Beyond Neatniks

Cats can be referred to as compulsive cleaners

A place for everything and everything in it's place.  possibly Benjamin Franklin

Years ago one of my friends started a business in our small town called "Compulsive Cleaners". I really laughed at the name but he explained that he needed the work and since he was a notorious neatnik the job was perfect for him. He, however, was not obsessed with cleanliness and being orderly, it didn't adversely affect his life. 

Liberty of thought is the life of the soul.                        Voltaire

  On the opposite end of the OCD spectrum from hoarders are the people who are compulsively clean and neat. I had a dear friend Mary* who had, no doubt, the most pristine, most orderly home I've ever been in. What made this more interesting was she had two lively little boys. It was a mystery to me how she was able to keep everything so perfect. At that time I also had two little boys and would have cheerfully let Mary stay for a week to help tidy and organize my home. Skip to years later, I visited Mary in her new condo [the boys were long gone] and it was remarkably similar, everything sparkled. I said, "Mary, your house is always so immaculate." "Susan," she said "I'm up past midnight every night cleaning, it isn't a blessing it's a curse." 

Mary came by her OCD honestly. Her father was a terrible hoarder, famous for box cars he purchased to store all of his stuff. Don't think treasures, he collected things like 400 lbs. of rebar and 27 boxes of nails, car parts for cars he didn't own. He was a nasty tyrant and his wife and all his kids tip toed around him. No one dared suggest that he rid himself of any of his "goods". He was ill natured and had no nurturing skills. So, Mary's curse was her desire to be the exact opposite of her father: she was diligent about throwing things away. Mary's mind was never free to let things go or be, she was obsessed with order and cleanliness.Therefore, she was on the same spectrum of OCD and she showed me that OCD does indeed have a genetic component.

It takes incredible concentration to keep all those hoops in the air spinning

The breakthrough for people like Mary and her dreadful father and the other people on the last post was back in the early 1990's: http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-mystery-of-hoarding.html
This is when the new medications of anti-depressants came into flower, Prozac and the like. Hailed as miracle drugs for many [and before the long range studies showed the side affects hampering the miracle], these drugs were used with some success on people with OCD. The best example of that drug being miraculous was a client of mine who had body dysmorphic disorder.  This man believed when he looked in the mirror that he was hideous. Untrue. He was not handsome but a very pleasant looking gentleman. His psychiatrist prescribed an SSRI and as soon as several weeks later his disorder went away completely. That was lovely. With OCD of the hoarding variety, I have not seen those startling results. 

How on earth to 'fix' someone who the world appreciates as not broken? See tomorrow's post [or soon] about what therapy works the best for OCD and for that matter any of the clients on that spectrum.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Mystery of Hoarding

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction. Fiction after all has to make sense.                                                     Mark Twain

Sometime people get too comfortable in their trash

Since I retired from my job as a psychotherapist, my husband and I have been sorting through and clearing out many of the things that we have accumulated over more than thirty years in our home. This got me thinking about how easy and refreshing a task it is to toss away the detritus and yet how hard and nearly impossible it was for some of my old clients. 

Have nothing in your homes that you do not know to be useful and believe to be beautiful.                                  William Morris

Years ago I went to a workshop on "Hoarding: the problems with obsessive compulsive disorder [OCD]". The pressing need at the time was in the form of a delightful client, Dottie* who was unable to throw away anything she had attached meaning to. Sounds sweet and sentimental until her husband, Ralph*, explained, "she had fifteen years of LL Bean catalogs because she loved their covers. Do you have any idea how much room those catalogs take up in our tiny house?" he said with deep frustration. That was just the start of it. She had bottles and bottle caps she saved from recycling due to the memory of sharing a drink with her family. Ralph went on and on about all the horrors of living in a scrap pile--their house was loaded with useless trash. So I went to this workshop hopeful that I could persuade Dottie to come to her senses and start the process of letting go of junk.

From this workshop I came away amazed and perplexed. I was amazed: we watched a film of a family in a four bedroom house that looked fine on the outside. When the cameraman tried to enter the house, his way was blocked by an incredible volume of garbage. One of the most surprising things to me was this family was living in this ungodly mess. Children were being brought up next to mountains of trash strewn all through their home. Poor dears probably thought this was normal.  Here's what was most perplexing: I can more or less understand one person living alone accumulating all that garbage... no one was there to stop them. But how a young family could live in such an unpleasant and painful filth was indeed baffling. Were they all hoarders? 

In my nicest voice I asked the workshop leader, "aren't the ones who aren't afflicted with this illness [OCD] basically enablers? Can't they put their foot down and insist the mess be cleaned up?" She cleared her throat and said, "we have to move very gently and carefully, it is a very slow process to recovery." Again remember, I was at this workshop because of Dottie who paled in comparison to what I saw on film. But I wasn't looking for a description of pack rats, I was looking for answers, to solve the problem. I tend to be somewhat of a hard ass when I see a problem and no one is willing to address it head on. Being realistic I knew I had only a few mild cases of OCD in comparison to the workshop leader who was out in the deep, dark trenches. She said, "I recently dealt with an old man who had never given away a tool and kept all of the magazines and newspapers he'd ever read". Another case she cited was "the older woman who had many cats and fed them on the floor never threw away food cans. Also the home was overrun with her own cans, garbage and pizza boxes. Sadly, despite the cats, the rats were literally running over the mantle, in broad daylight." Imagine my incredulity that her only advice was to "go slow and suggest simple and small goals", I'm thinking, "what, like torching the house"? 

I realize OCD and hoarding are mental illnesses but they are also a form of addiction. Sometimes bystanders and family members can be too sympathetic and become paralyzed by the fear of the person with OCD. The client will claim, "it would kill my soul to throw away anything I've collected..." I have yet to see a soul scorched by recycling.

One of the truisms in the field of addiction is the best motivation for a person to stay sober has to come from within. This can take a long time and patience is required. However, external consequences can speed up the process and coax the unwilling to become more willing. Anyone who has ever raised a child or trained a dog knows that logical consequences, positive feedback and rewards work well in training behavior. Bless the poor workshop leader who was attempting to keep some of these old ones from being evicted from their homes or shut down by the health department. I believe she did herself and her clients a disservice by giving them too generous time lines for change. Heavy tasks---and as far as I could tell these folks were unwilling to change unless they were offered a hefty reward or by contrast, a cattle prod.

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage also is needed to do what is right.                                                        Arthur Dobrin

How to overcome hoarding:

1. If you love a relative whose hoarding is out of control be frank and tell them they have a serious problem and need some help.
2. Give them the name of a therapist or at least a housekeeper to help them.
3. Give them a deadline of when you expect to see results, this is important, stick to your agreed upon date.
4. Tell them they will be rewarded for cleaning up. A dinner out? Reassurance that they won't be evicted...
5. Warn them that if they are not able to stop collecting you will get someone in to do the cleaning/hauling away and that will have to pay.
6. Be kind but do not listen to their rationalizations as to why they must hoarded useless crap. It is sick and irrational.

What a gift of grace to be able to take the chaos from within and from it create some semblance of order.                  Katherine Patterson

Dottie really resented the above suggestions that I gave to Ralph and for a time I thought she was going to quit counseling. She cried pitifully and begged that there need be no change. I urged Ralph on. Once Ralph manned up and set the dead line things got enormously better, she decided to only keep the covers to the catalogs [progress not perfection], he was able to do some serious recycling in their home and felt so much better. 

Your objects are not your soul, they may be meaningful so you could always snap a picture of them or scan them and treasure that memory in an album. Families need not give into the misguided fears of the hoarder, tough love does work in this instance.

Time to let go of things that are broken

The craziness will go around and around if no one puts a stop to it.

*Dottie and Ralph would take great exception to their fake names.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

What All of Us Stand to Lose

"My paintings never turn out the way I want them to but I'm never surprised". Andy Warhol
Mom and Mr. G at the Milwaukee Art Museum

Charity is no substitute to justice withheld.                                               St. Augustine

Awhile ago I listened to Anna Quinlen on Terry Gross's show 'Fresh Air'  and brought up tons of memories on how it was to be a woman growing up in the era where certain rights, [that today's young women take for granted] were not present. My own Mother, rest her soul said, "when I'd get my period, I'd slide right off the toilet and on to my knees in thanksgiving." Yes, it's funny-- but can you imagine? She also said, "I had six beautiful children by the rhythm method" and knew that she couldn't physically, mentally, financially or emotionally handle another baby. The Catholic Church at that time was much more condemning and frightening to their women parishioners. The priest would lecture the women to have more babies from their lofty pulpits with little regard to the woman's circumstances. Today most Catholics, thank God, ignore that dictum and plan their families with the help of birth control. Yet also today, control of family planning and birth control is constantly being challenged by the leading Republicans. What is this? It's simple: they want to control what goes on with a woman and her body. Especially poor women. Pretty nutty, huh?

I am divided on how to approach this issue. Part of me wants to enjoy the good rollicking laugh that all of the comedians can have with this issue. The other part of me is horrified to think that all of the blood, sweat and tears [literally, folks] that we put into attaining the right to privacy between a woman and her physician could be jeopardized. That this right could up and vanish is utter foolishness. Hillary Clinton said it best, "we [Americans] are the ones who have to show the world that women's rights are human rights." Dear people, isn't that obvious? Otherwise, what does the lack of rights imply? Women are not human? Doesn't that sound exactly like the argument that was made in 1700's about slaves?

So, you might say that I'm indignant to have this battle in front of us repeatedly. I am. I can truly understand why this issue would be of little importance to older men. What do they care if it's difficult for a woman to have access to birth control or abortion. However, I find it fascinating that first in line with their teen age daughters in the abortion clinics are all of the fundamentalist. That is marginally better than in other countries where the offending female is stoned to death by the males in her family. [Now, who was it that got her pregnant?]

This control of a woman's body should be a non issue. We have a big world to save from wars, starvation, climate change, illiteracy, hatred and greed. So what's with some politicians that all they can find to talk about is withholding a woman's right to privacy with her doctor?

Mom and I

Do me a favor. Please mock any and all attempts to take away a woman's right to privacy. Mark it 'like' any time support of woman's rights are mentioned. In addition, when anyone brings up the supposedly viable candidate who is against human rights, vote them down. If they are not laughed at and voted down we are looking square in the face of, not the 1950's, but more accurately the 1700's. What's next on the agenda, witch hunts? I'd be a goner for sure. So help save Susan Grout from the stake!

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

How Do Honesty and Laughter Help in Life and Therapy?

Tell the truth and run.                   Old Swedish Proverb

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.                                                                                Sir Winston Churchill

I tell the truth, not as much as I would but as much as I dare --- and I dare more and more as I grow older.                 Michel de Montaigne

Being a psychotherapist can be tricky at times. The temptation is frequently there to consider myself the Queen who wants her subjects to take notes and do what I say. Ha. One of the best ways to conquer this tragic flaw is to hit it up front and say to the clients, "Do you have to do anything that I say?" Most people answer immediately, "No!" and that's just the answer I want. The information I give is always from my perspective, as I see it, but the client may not be able or willing to hear it. Someone once said to me "you have to let your clients follow their own destinies." Nice, however this is particularly difficult if you see them repeating the same mistakes over and over again. After all, aren't they paying me to steer them in a different direction? So, what comes into this head and out of my mouth is my truth. I believe in telling it like I see it. Being human, and this always comes as a shock to me, I'm not always right. But I say it anyway. Sometimes I soften the truth with humor but there it is: tell the truth and run. Makes life easier.

There are exceptions to being strictly honest and one of my favorite interventions is brought to you by Mr. G.  I'll ask him [foolishly] "do I look fat or thin in this outfit?" and his stock answer is, "you are perfect." Ahhh, need I say more?

Cheerfulness is the atmosphere in which all things thrive.    Jean Paul Richter

Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness its poison.   Stanislaus

In the 1979 Norman Cousins wrote a book [Anatomy of an Illness] about his recovery from what was supposed to be a fatal illness. He found that by making himself laugh for 45 minutes a day he could get a better night's sleep and better still it helped the pain. Stranger than fiction it worked, he recovered, wrote the book and then became a crusader for laughter therapy. I hopped right on that band wagon.

Don't confuse laughter with the circus; laughter and ridicule are the most devastating tools an organization can use.           Saul Alinsky

Laughter does a marvelous job of interrupting cycles of depression, tension and hopelessness. Good examples are "Springtime for Hitler" from the Mel Brooks movie 'The Producers" as well as the film, "Life is Beautiful" both made fun of the most unbelievable atrocity: the Concentration camps and Hitler. Seemingly not funny but they worked brilliantly making us mock the unthinkable.

Laughter does all kinds of wonderful things for us physiologically and psychologically. It gives every organ in the body a hearty workout--- stimulating the pituitary gland which sends out endorphins that among other things, eases pain. So why not employ one of the easiest remedies when working with clients? Of course you have to revel in a strong sense of humor if you are going to pull this off, but again, why not? The old schools of psychotherapy would be appalled. Me thinks that the "professionalism" of psychotherapy takes itself a bit too seriously.

In our family a sense of humor starts early

Just as selling a home is most effective if you have the right location, location, location using laughter and humor,  you have to have the right timing, timing, timing. To work properly humor in therapy must be well timed, relevant to the person and the situation and the client must be well regarded and respected by the therapist. A good example is one wonderful client, Bill* came in and following my dictum: be aware and amused, he proceeded to tell me the following story. "I came home after a grueling day at work to find my 8 year old son making costumes for his guinea pig for a 4 H contest. He was trying to fasten an antenna to the guinea pig's head with little success. Soon the kitchen was filled with his older brother applying silver paint to cardboard for the rocket ship and I was wrestling with the guinea pig..." at this point we were both laughing so hard, just picturing it, he then said "and I thought --this is my life!" The eight year old said joyfully, "hey Dad, it's Pig's in Space".

we roar for more, humor that is

A simple but favorite intervention of mine is to role play the mistaken behavior and then contrast it with what can be done differently. Mr and Mrs Touche* were in the office after yet another one of their perpetual fights. She has a job that takes her away from home for weeks at a time and he is left in charge of the elderly cat. She said, "when I came home after being gone more than a week I opened the door and saw all of the cat's bedding and her heating pad strewn all over the floor. I was immediately furious and yelled at him. I'm not proud of myself." He said, "that was so unfair, I was merely moving everything so the cat could have a new place to sleep near me during the day." Grim tension filled the air and so I said, "been there, done that myself." Sad but true this is one of my tragic flaws as well: jumping to conclusions. So I stood up and said, "OK, try this Mrs. T. Pretend you have just said your crabby sentence and he is answering with that explanation." She shook her head in agreement, and I added, "immediately walk backwards out the door and re enter with, a "hello honey, what's up?" I over dramatized and demonstrated being crabby and then exiting and coming back in as a nice person. They both laughed and the atmosphere went from hopeless to hopeful. The grim tension fled and their faces lit up. 

Whole books have been written about "change one thing" in your interactions to break up repetitive problems and it works. My favorite change intervention is lightening the situation with a slug of humor.

Many people and therapists believe that it's only through heavy heartache and overwhelming suffering that change can occur. I say to clients, "you don't have to continually walk through broken glass to gain insight, you can gain insight through laughter as well as tears."

Laughter at one's self can be an important sign of maturity. Raising children taught this to me best of all, watching my little boys become able to laugh at themselves and then learn from their mistakes. Some of the best humorous stories, revolve around our human foibles. My Dad was a great one for recounting these moments. Once he played in a golf classic and was paired with Glen Campbell. "I was nervous with the huge crowd watching me in hushed silence as I was about to tee off. Well, I did a flawless practice shot, stepped up to the tee, swung with all my might and missed the ball completely. A gasp went out from the crowd, embarrassed for me. I put my hand to my forehead as though seeing the ball sailing away in the distance and said in a loud voice, "tough course!". The crowd roared with laughter."  His humor created a lovely moment, dispelling all tension, creating fun and laughter by making fun of himself. His humor was so infectious that I caught it. Would that everyone could look upon the world with those sunny, funny colored glasses.

*Obviously the names Bill and  Mr and Mrs Touche are pseudonyms.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Generosity vs. Stinginess

 The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident.                               Charles Lamb

  It is imperative if we are to lead a successful and happy life that we learn to be generous, loving and giving. This is absolutely true statistically. It starts with ourselves and needs to grow into loving our fellow humans. What good does it do if one claims to be loving yet approaches the task from a platform of indifference or hatred toward others? This is like being on a diving board and diving head first into an empty pool. Ouch!

The golden rule is of no use to you, unless you realize it's your move.                                     Doug Larson 

It distresses me hugely that so many messages given by some religious groups emphasize churlishness toward anyone who is not in their club. Worse, they propose if you are rich it is God's favoritism and the poor--- well it's their own fault. However, the fact is, in most countries in the world, most wealth is inherited.  Only a very minuscule percentage of the very wealthy have "earned" it themselves and some of those who have "earned" their wealth did so by shamelessly exploiting the working class. Odd, this sounds like the worst aspect of capitalism, doesn't it?

I've been reading a series of books lately that describes how very wretched poverty has been throughout the ages. [How the Irish Saved Civilization, The Museum of Extraordinary Things to name two.] Another of the books: Call the Midwife volumes I and II [also a TV series on PBS] by author Jennifer Worth describes in Dickensian detail the abysmal conditions of the poor in London after WWII. Basically the entire country was suffering in the aftermath of the war but none so great as the already poor.  I kept reading wishing that there was someone with more heart overseeing the conditions of these people, but there was intentional neglect, callousness and rationalization as to why people lived in these horrifying conditions. Sadly, many of the men and women in these families were veterans of WWI and WWII.  

Although dreadful housing conditions are not new or shocking information, there had been a small safety net of  sorts, in the centuries before. The churches would help the poor. Then King Henry VIII put an end to aid to the poor when in 1530 he broke off with the Catholic church and started his own church. Ah, the ego of a narcissistic murderer. It was only when his daughter, Elizabeth I came into power in 1601 and wrote "the Act for the Relief of the Poor" that some compassion came back into England.

Let's look at our country. According to the National Alliance to End Homelessness [NAEH]:

"the decreases in chronic and veteran homelessness [in 2011-12] indicate that, with federal, state, and local investment in strategies proven to end homelessness, progress can be made. The ongoing and increased development of permanent supportive housing, a proven solution to ending homelessness for people with disabilities, is bringing down chronic and veteran homelessness numbers in communities across the country. Emphasis needs to be placed on creating more affordable housing and strengthening the safety net to prevent homelessness."        

That got me thinking about the poor and the homeless in this country. When I was growing up in the 50's and 60's there weren't throngs of homeless that you'd see on the streets of the big cities. However, there were tons of homeless people after the crash of 1929, but the situation was greatly reduced by FDR who created the WPA projects which put many of the homeless back to work. Good use of the country's taxes.  Of course the population was much smaller then. Though far from perfect, in the '50's and 60's we  had institutions that took in the people with disabilities, and the ones who were unable to make it in the world due to mental illness. That all changed in the 1980's with Ronald Regan. He opened the flood gates and the inmates were released to fend for themselves. Supposedly this was a good thing, they were being sent back "home" but the truth: his government just didn't want to take care of or pay for the crazies anymore. "Send them back to their communities," sounded so good but there was no money provided for these communities to handle the mentally ill and drug addicts. Many, many of these people were veterans with PTSD with no place to go. "Do unto others..." Shame on the heartless.

Today many homeless are families and the principal wage earner lost their job. So, not all of the homeless are mentally ill or drug addicts, but you can bet a good percentage of them were/are. You can turn a blind eye to the homeless, but they exist and there has got to be a more humane and civilized way that we treat the impoverished and the unfortunate in our own country.

Right now there is a movement afoot to raise the minimum wage and it is being fought tooth and nail by big business, they still believe in 'Trickle Down'. They don't want to pay more to their employees, even though their CEO's get exorbitant salaries and typically make thousands times more than the workers. Yet because the employees do not have a living wage, they have to file for welfare or food stamps which we all pay for with our taxes. Hence, this is the system that is being fought for and quite simply it is called corporate welfare. It's got to stop.

 What's so interesting about corporate welfare is some believe that we can afford it. In my state Boeing paid no taxes, they "earned" a refund of $199 million. That money could be put to such good use for their employees or even for housing, or treatment programs for the homeless. Think about that money and then read the sentence below. 

"Federal assistance that was previously available to fill some of those gaps [for people that are homeless]—through the Homelessness Prevention and Rapid Re-housing Program (HPRP)—has been depleted and not replaced." [NAEH].
There needs to be overwhelming public support to restore the funds for this very necessary and needed program. Instead the talk is about reducing the tax rate for the very wealthy. Make sense of this for me.

Every good parent teaches children the joy of sharing

And I'm stuck like a dope with a thing called hope and I can't get it out of my head...                                Rogers and Hammerstein

We are better, finer than the people who preach stinginess. It is generosity, not stinginess that makes this country great. Time to demand it--- for goodness sake. Please, do unto others.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Small Town Therapist: Hope for Valentine's Day

The most adorable Rufus

Grands are the easiest to love

Some of my fab family

Dearest ones in loving embrace

The story of the wise mallard

All you need is love...       
        The Beatles

Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.   Mae West

 

 

Those of us who are lucky and privileged enough to find someone to love are among the earth's most blessed. If, in fact, we are loved deeply in return, lovely. However, to be loved is not the goal. Instead, it is our duty as human beings to get out there every day and love. The best of us are humanists-- by definition: a person having a strong concern about human welfare, values and dignity. My humble request--- try not to be an exclusionists, [a word that my spell checker doesn't approve of]. Exclusionists are the ones with a club or a camp that you or others cannot belong. You're not white enough, not Jewish or Christian enough, not heterosexual enough, not male enough--- you get the picture. Enough already.

 

Now, I'm not suggesting that you have to live with, donate to, have  dinner or embrace people that make your teeth hurt, but, yes you do have to love and respect them as human beings. This becomes most challenging with people who lie repeatedly, who approve of the torture and murder, or the drug addicts that sell their babies for their next fix, and myriad other evil doers. But I don't have to hate them, that takes up too much room in my head or heart. My favorite take on this subject I witnessed. I saw a young teen, [Afro-ed, tattooed], wearing a T shirt that proclaimed "I heart [emoticon] haters!". This exemplifies the humor that Mel Brooks used so successfully in "The Producers", making fun of Hitler. Or the Coen brothers movie 'O Brother Where Art Thou' who showed that haters are truly ridiculous. How about the silliness of the KKK or Skinheads? Men dressed as nuns, men shaving their heads to look frightening. The only word that comes to mind is childish and then again, most children are not that stupid or cruel.

 Love is not exclusionary, it's kind and springs forward in all manners, shapes and forms. Take the picture of the mother duck who brought forth her ducklings in one of the fountains at the Chicago Art Institute. My sisters and I at first laughed about how goofy it was to see the little quackers among the posh diners. Then we started talking about how smart the little mallard was to do this: no predators and the bonus of protection via the hordes of people who were lunching al fresco. So, a lesson from a duck, that love takes intelligence, strategy, sacrifice and caring, is also evident in the animal kingdom.        

What I'm hoping for this Valentine's Day is a more humanist day, one that embraces the concept of gentle goodness and spreading love to all you encounter. I am fond of saying: kindness doesn't cost a cent, but it reaps great dividends.

               

 In shallow shoals, English soles do it,                        goldfish in the privacy of bowls do it,

let's do it, let's fall in love.                      Cole Porter

Falling in love is fabulous, staying in love requires a certain energy and commitment. Really, if you are with the right person for you it is not a huge effort, it can be fun, exciting, interesting, comfortable, dear, funny, delicious and tender. I realize that I am contradicting the self help books, but think about it, do you have friends that are difficult for you any time you're around them? If so, how in heavens name do you sustain the friendship? Most of these 'friendships' dwindle and die a natural death. So, if you are coupled with someone who is a daily challenge, get thee to a counselor, the sooner the better, perhaps there's a chance to make it easier.

Some of us carry more responsibility  

The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.                                      Doug Larson

 

I know love is give and take, and in a loving relationship, it's important to gracefully give more good feelings and comfort than you take. Here's hoping that this Valentine's Day you'll be filled with grace and out there giving good feelings and comfort to any and all in you path. Love is all there is and all you need, unless you are broke or have a toothache.

Personally, I feel as though I am a darling partner and easy to be with at all times. I was telling Mr. G, as we were driving down the road, my ideas about love and committed relationships. I said, "you know, I don't believe that marriage or a committed relationship has to be such hard work..." There was a resounding silence in the car. O, well. Happy Valentine's Day.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2024 Susan R. Grout   

Jane - She'd Be 93

Jane, about 5 months old

Her engagement picture

This post is for our dearest Mom, Grandma Jane, Great Gramma,
Here is the text from the eulogy that Trisha prepared and we all her kids contributed to. I thought it would be good to remember her each year on her birthday with stories and songs and love. I know it's a bit early but D and I are about to travel. Love to all -S

This is from Trisha:

Our house was raucous—vibrant with music and laughter and art projects. Now it’s true that much of it came from our dad, but the core was really always mother, Jane. One way to know that singing was a part of us, was that we had three dinner-time rules which mom instituted: “wash your hands for dinner,”  “scrape it, rinse it, and put it in the dishwasher,” and “no singing at the dinner table.” And each of these could actually be sung: testimony to our mom’s deep sense of rhythm and pitch. And she could whistle. Slick as a rancher with ranch hands: she could call us all in from blocks around. We knew her call.

And she had a beautiful singing voice which she’d break into at morning, noon, and night. You could hear her singing upstairs making beds or downstairs throwing in a load in a rich sure alto. (You could hear Dad, too, but his singing came mostly at night.) She sang us songs she learned from her daddy: “Oh, Peter he was wicked, I asked him for a ticket,” and from the romance of her teens: “When the deep purple falls,” and from the musicals of the fifties and sixties: “Take me along if you love’a me…” This love of music, this infusion of song carried into all of our lives. Still does. There has not been a birth, death, wedding, funeral, or baptism, for that matter when we didn’t sing. Because of her.

The art poured from our house through the veins of Jane’s arms. She painted our portraits when we were little (and big), bribing us to get us to sit still for a half hour or so when necessary. She took classes in water color and portraiture finding a mentor in her beloved George Straub. The amazing thing, I think, about her paintings and sketches  is that you can actually see her, you can see her hands at work even through the finished piece. Maybe that’s we treasure her work so. Maybe that’s why we all—even her grandchildren—have a painting or two on our walls.

Mom had an active mind—a voracious reader, an avid arguer, a mean Scrabble player, a daily crossword puzzler, and one not afraid to ask questions of the usually pat answers: “I’m not sure if I believe that!” I’m not sure, however, if she was exposing a doubt, or just getting us to question, to be inquisitive.

You can read the travelogue of her about her early accomplishments. But recently she told me a little story I’d never heard. While in Tomahawk, she’d been given the lead to the first grade play, and then got the chicken pox,  and had to stay home for a week while she recovered, and was shocked beyond belief to find out that the role had been given to someone else when she returned. They gave someone else her part?! She knew she was star-material.

She had a great sense of humor and could be self-effacing. Jane was sometimes called Sharon Jane for a misstep in buying a dress for Sally when she was in high school. She’d gotten the monogram SJR for Sarah Jane Ricketts, then she looked aghast realizing that she’d purchased the dress, and it might not fit Sally, then she couldn’t return it, then what would she do with the dress? She said, “Well, I’ll just call myself Stupid Jane Ricketts and wear it.” We told her we could just call her Sharon Jane Ricketts instead. I think Sally actually wore the dress.

Mom ate with a vigor—con mucho gusto—not realized by most. Even into our teen years, mom would be at the end of the table, having eaten her entire dinner, and say, “Whatever you’re not going to eat, pass it down here.” And she’d eat like a truck driver probably due to the enormous energy she needed in raising six kids—five girls in seven years! And then Bob, the cherry on her children parfait.

She was really something. She taught us our prayers and to have faith in ourselves. Each night we’d pray for “Sally, Susan, Trisha, Florence, Kathleen, and Bobby.” So I’m going to leave you with some passing thoughts from each…in our birth order.

 

At Naomi and Aaron's wedding

This from Sally: After our dad, Bob Ricketts, died in 1987, I was privileged to find an amazing and wonderful new relationship with my mother. She became my best friend. As it turned out, mom had a sharp wit and a great sense of humor which had been overshadowed by our father's ebullience and charm. [Mom and I had many conversations over the years and we visited often. She kept saying every trip to PNW was her last but the last was actually in 2009 when she made it to Katie's wedding.] Jane was full of love, wisdom, and generosity lavishing all of us with gifts all the time. That is quite a legacy. She is my mentor who taught me how to live and love and be generous, how to question everything, how to wonder, and how to let go. I loved to hang out with her and just be. We talked or not, took naps, ate meals, read, read the paper while she did the crosswords, discussed books and watched movies. [Just being with my mom or talking to her on the phone was a comfort and a joy to me.] She called me Angel and Sarah Jane, and I call her blessed and dear.

This from Susan: I am the sole survivor of the Friday morning book club—phone call exchanges we had—and I will treasure our sharing authors and books for the rest of my life. She loved to study: art, literature, people and characters. And what a straight shooter! You always got the truth from Mom. I loved sharing time with her and delighted in her wisdom and sense of humor. Though there will be no “Cookbook by Jane,” she did give me the recipes for an excellent and rich life: always tell the truth; give often and generously to those you love and the causes you believe in; keep in touch and spend time together; appreciate the finer things in life: good food, art, literature, your children; be industrious; have a sense of humor especially about yourself and love, love, love. I am so lucky to have had this mother; her words ring in my heart and her fabulous art works grace my walls. She is and always will be so dear to me.

This from Trisha: I can remember being a very little girl and it was summer and I had taken the risk of walking across Lincoln Avenue to go to Chandler Park all by myself. When I got home, I worried that I might be in trouble, so I told her what I’d done. She looked up from darning a sock (I am not kidding!) and a smile broke out over her face and she said, “Good for you, Trisha!”  Take risks. Be brave, eh? About two weeks ago, when she was in the hospital with pneumonia, I asked her if she was afraid. She said to me. "Oh, no…I look upon my death with joy." A little shocking, isn’t it? When I asked her if she were praying, she said, "Oh, yes.” And when I asked her what she was praying, she said, “I’m praying for courage." Her prayer was answered. She was courageous through and through and she sent us that message from childhood ‘til her last breath.

This from Chin: What a gal!  She was elegant and well put together. She had a great sense of style. She always took care of our needs. I am thankful we had a long letter relationship where we shared so much. She told me how much she loved getting these letters. [Mom was always there at all the big events and parties.] A teacher of songs. Strong and brave, a good traveler and woman of courage. She shared all her gifts with us, her talents and her way of seeing the world. She will always be my teacher.  Being called to her side for those last few hours of her life I witnessed her courage to the last, her beautiful last gift. I am privileged and blessed to have had Jane Florence McHenry Ricketts Tiernan as my mother. 

This from Kathleen: Mom was so generous. She gave me her Buick! And when Steve & I had the opportunity to go to Europe the summer of '72, it was Mom that talked Dad into lending us the do-re-mi. They also lent us the money for the down payment on our 1st house. Oh, and, I love that Mom let us play outside all the time. I love that Mom always encouraged us to color & draw & sing & dance. 

I remember performing a song & dance for Mom at 2819 & of course I thought I was great & I asked Mom for her opinion & she said, "That's good for your age". It would be a phrase repeated often.
Mom made the best gravy on the planet! And how about that creamed curried salmon with peas! Silly huh?

This from Bobby: Jane.Mama.Mama honey. I think it took thirty years, but I finally beat her at Scrabble. She never showed any mercy even when I was only 10. "You'll learn better that way" was how she put it after another shellacking. She was right. Learn I did. Because of her I learned about life, music, art and something that one would not think about her: patience. She always seemed to be moving through whatever the situation at hyper-speed (“aren't you better yet ?”),but she realized that sometimes the long wait was necessary. With me it was the long road to find the love of my life, my wonderful wife. Mom loved Senja as much as any of her own children, I can tell you this because Senja felt it too. And being with Bob Ricketts for 40+ years, you gotta know patience !
I spent her last week with her, and those moments will always be dear to me. She even sang to me "Kansas City" from Oklahoma ! ! Still remembered all the words! I was going to play and sing for her, but did not because I knew I would start to cry. I knew there would be time for that. Thanks, Mom, you made us all better people.

And, so, even though she always said, “I’m going to let you go” after a conversation on the phone…the solidity and love lingers. She was so strong, so beautiful, so talented.

Mom, we’re never going to let you go.

Mom's Memorial, a grand event

Ideas on Saving Civilization: Here Are a Few

The women of Africa, Beads for Life

A small house in Venice

Take what you need and leave the rest.
Al Anon

It sometimes seems that the world is divided into Roman attitudes and Catholic attitudes. "The Romans are the rich and powerful...run things their way, must always accrue more because they instinctively believe there will never be enough to go around; the catholics, as their name implies are universalists who instinctively believe that all humanity makes one family, that every human being is equal...and God will provide." Thomas Cahill

I foolishly thought this was a ferry, no just some rich dude's individual yacht

Sigh. My hope and desire for change for this world, as I have expressed in other posts, is not so black and white. It's silly to say: you must choose, it's either the view of Romans or just the beliefs of catholics. A "both/and" mentality works for me and I see it as more helpful. For example, the truth is there is more than enough to go around [money, food] and as every kindergartner is taught, we need to share. I believe that there are limited resources on earth, eg. over fishing and driving some animals to extinction, and so we should cherish, respect and protect our earth. 

On the Catholic side I'll go with all humanity is one family [DNA can connect us all], we are all equal [think of babies in a nursery, then decide, who is better, who is worse...] but God does not always provide. Sadly, there are still people in this vast world of ours, through no fault of their own, who are starving or have no access to clean water, or are living in a constant battlefield. Really, no matter how hard they worship or pray they are going to need some help from humans who have the ability to come to their aid. I believe that you might have to defend yourself against the powerful and especially the bullies---unlike what the poor, peace loving little monks did. However, prior to battle first use diplomacy, intelligence, kindness, firmness and persuasion. I believe we cannot keep senselessly over populating the earth and it is our privilege to disseminate birth control to any family that wants it. I believe that it is obscene the amount of money that a very few have particularly those who [unlike the Gates's] are unwilling to share. Examples: CEOs, entertainers, bankers, drug lords, money launderers and our sportsmen, all of these people make thousands of percentages more than the average worker. Whatever happened to noblesse oblige? 

The women of Africa are going to save that country.     Jane Ricketts

Now, am I seriously suggesting that the wealthy should wrap up $100 or $1000 bills and mail them off to families in need? [Although if they did so to a needy family anonymously, how cool is that?] No. However, they could help with the scholarships or the infrastructure or giving tools and building schools to enable children and adults who most require it, to have an education. The 'teach a man/woman to fish and he/she will feed himself forever' philosophy strikes me as the best for most of the civilization. 

To name one country that is in serious need, let's focus on Africa. Currently there are many worthwhile organizations doing a wonderful job of helping in Africa [Doctor's without Borders, etc.]. Last year one of my dear friends, who frequently volunteers in Africa, came to our community with "Beads for Life" just prior to Thanksgiving. With joy the community responded buying all of the lovely earrings, necklaces and bracelets that the women of Uganda had crafted for sale. Those who weren't interested in jewelry gave money. Here's a plus: statistically those who are generous are the happiest people.

Why am I on such a tear about giving? I just read an article about people from many different countries who purchased $124 million condos in London [where money laundering is rampant]. I was disgusted and figured that money could have propped up several small countries in Africa. Pocket change for these people. Can you spell narcissism?

Granted, we have a lot of lovely, generous, good people who do set up foundations and help the needy. But like the narrow minded Romans we also have too many selfish, greedy, dishonest people running the world. I am hoping that the world could be run by the people that have a leaning toward generosity, bravery, peace, honesty and fairness. The people who promote learning and reading, giving and being industrious. The Nelson Mandellas, the Gandhis, the Benizer Bhuttos and the little Malalas of this world who understand that you have to be so very brave and stick up for what you believe in---- even if it costs you your life.

I'd love to hear your ideas. Thanks for reading.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

What Lessons Can We Learn from the Wee Monks?

We have to keep science education as science. Show me one piece of evidence [that the world is only 6000 years old] I would change immediately.                                     Bill Nye to creationist advocate Ken Ham

This morning I was handed the greatest opening I could wish for this essay. Bill Nye, the science guy debated a Creationist, Ken Ham [on Feb. 4th] and, according to the newspaper I read, gave him a good shellacking. Bill used facts [carbon dating] humor, wit and wisdom to counter the absurd argument his opponent postured that the earth is only 6000 years old based on what the Bible says [I believe the Bible believes 'an eye for an eye' also and that the 'world is flat' and created in 7 days].  These creationist want to force their erroneous beliefs on children as science [currently doing this in Texas and Kansas], which dear readers, has absolutely not a shred of proof. This is perfect timing for me as I am stating that certain religious beliefs have led to wars, starvation, illiteracy, poverty and abuse--- especially of women and children.

The weight of the Irish influence on the continent is incalculable.                                                                         James Westfall Thompson

In the 5th and 6th century when the Irish monks were establishing their monasteries they reached out to anyone who came to them because their belief was "God will provide"*. Luckily for them when they traveled to England and Scotland they were greeted with open arms by the English Christians [in Lindisfarne for one]. These Christians respected the monks as their wise elders. Then the English Christians borrowed generously from the monks. They learned to read and soon were caught up in also copying books, educating themselves on many subjects, and creating the Lindisfarne gospels [called the Book of Kells]. If only the various other tribes of Christians had co operated with one another as did these Christians, :the world would indeed be a different place".

Charlemagne's era [about 800 AD] is another example of co operation with the monks. Because he was agreeable and friendly Charlemagne greatly improved the literacy rates of his country men and women. He claimed he "loved the wandering monks". When he died the improvement did not last long, greed and selfishness returned to the church and the country leading to more illiteracy.

So, you're probably asking yourself, what caused the downfall of this great, influential little nation? Quite simply they were beaten into the ground. They were beaten by tribes who stole and destroyed their books and sacked their monasteries. Starting in the last part of the 8th century, the Vikings discovered that the peaceful monks were easy pickings and continued their pillaging on and off for almost a century. The monks buried their precious books and metal-ware in the ground, or as in the case of the Book of Kells, "brought the book to the inland foundation of Kells." To this day in Ireland people are discovering goblets and other metal treasures from the 8th and 9th century. 

The courtyard's filled with water
and the great earls where are they?
The earls, the lady, the people 
beaten into the clay. 
anonymous poet Kilcash

"In the 16th century the colonizing Elizabethans cut down the Irish forests" to punish them for guerrilla attacks [sound familiar?] Then in the 17th century it was the Calvinist Cromwellians who slaughtered them. The 18th century brought the Penal Laws which denied Catholics the rights of citizens. Then the final capper was the famines of the 19th century. It culminated with the 'Great Hunger' that nearly finish the Irish off. Almost l million people died of hunger from 1845-51, while "her majesty's government sat on it's hands". Millions emigrated to N. America [including my relatives] and Australia. 

An ancient painting that the people who don't believe in dinosaurs would not accept as ancient

When you beat a people down, when you deprive them of their rights, when you force them to believe things that are unfair and that this is their lot in life, you create depression in a people and a nation. We, our country, created this after the civil war with the repeated attacks by the "Christian" members of the KKK to the people of color, by the cruel laws of Jim Crow imposed upon the south and by the incredibly inadequate conditions of the schools that the Native Americans and African Americans had to endure. Right now in Pakistan and Afghanistan they are closing schools left and right and worse shooting at children [Malala]. The horrifying situation is this: currently less than 2% of the girls and women are allowed to go to school. These men are imposing these ridiculous restrictions as good and true to their religion and thereby encouraging ignorance and illiteracy. Depressed, fearful and ignorant people are more malleable to do the bidding of rich and powerful bullies.

Hope
It took until the 1920's for the Irish people to rise up to their oppressors [the British] and I have no doubt that the Pakistani and Afghanistan people will rise up some day to their oppressors [the Taliban is currently supported by the governments of both countries]. Until that day arises we must not succumb to fairy tales of the extreme right wingers in any country. The truth shall set you free, but first you have to know how to read and decipher the truth from fantasy and fiction. 


*all quotes are taken from Thomas Cahill's book unless otherwise noted

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

How Did the Irish Save Civilization?

To the Irish, the pope the bishop of Rome successor to Saint Peter, was a kind of high king of the church but like the high king a distant figure whose wishes were little known and less   considered.                                     Thomas Cahill                                                         

The monks of the 5th century believed the Church could be  intellectual and catholic

catholic- [the definition]: broadminded, liberal in thought; inclusive of all.

Those of us who grew up Catholic were told to say, "the holy Roman Catholic Church". After reading Thomas Cahill's How the Irish Saved Civilization  I think it's a crying shame that we were not given more information about the ancient [5th century] Irish Catholics. As opposed to the Romans, these people were truly more catholic: inclusive, intellectual, devoting their life to copying books and educating everyone in their path.

"Bibliotecis sepulcrorum ritu in perpetuum clausis" The libraries, like tombs, were closed forever.                           Ammianus Marcellinus written in the early 5th century

You see, the barbarian hordes invaded the Roman empire and they were uncivilized and illiterate. They had no use for education and especially for books. Those ancient books of the Roman empire were tossed into the fire and then the barbarians destroyed all of the libraries along the way. We see this today, people tend to fear and feel threatened by what they don't understand. One of the reasons that educating the public is so very important. There was no presses in these ancient times and the work fell to the copyist who diligently copied the precious books. By the end of the 5th century the profession of 'copyist' had almost disappeared. Indeed, the libraries were closed like tombs.

According to Thomas Cahill, "Ireland was at peace and furiously copying" all of the books they could get their hands on. "They became Europe's publisher." Also because they were known for their generosity and hospitality, they hosted many thousand of students from all over the European continent who fled into their welcoming monasteries. These students would bring the Irish literacy and learning back to their own countries. Then happily for all of us, the Irish monks began to travel, spreading beyond their own country, setting up monasteries all over Europe.

Would that the Catholic church, as we know it today, had adopted some of the gentler customs formed in the Irish church. Much of the good influence for more civilized customs were introduced in the 4th century because of St. Patrick who was a Roman citizen. He became their bishop. Because Patrick was forced into slavery and then a run away slave, he abhorred slavery. He discouraged that and also the more bloody rituals left over from the Irish pagan back ground. He also encouraged welcome to all travelers seeking their church. Remarkably, the church of Ireland even included women as some of their first bishops [Bridget].

Because the Irish were known for their "heroic hospitality" the monks turned away no one, the true definition of catholic. This was so vastly different from the Roman Catholic's hierarchy who based their religion on favors, wealthy patrons and the exploitation of the poor. So naturally, when these wee Irish monks started to colonize the rural parts of the countries setting up their monasteries, this threatened the bishops. These bishops "lived urbanely, keeping close to the aristocrats" [and the money].

While Rome and its ancient empire faded from memory and a new illiterate Europe rose on its ruins, a vibrant, literary culture was blooming in secret along its Celtic fringe...Europe would never have been able to develop it's great national literature with out the help of the Irish.             Thomas Cahill 

The Irish monasteries in time would become the cities of: Lumieges, Auxerre, Liege, Trier, Wurzburg, Salsburg, Vienna, Bobio, Lucca to name a few. 

Tomorrow, or soon, I will be discussing the lessons that we can learn from these brave monks and the early church.

We owe great thanks for treasured books, saved by the most catholic monks of Ireland

 
susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved