Are You a Dare Devil or Angel?

Life is an exciting adventure, or it is nothing. Helen Keller

                            Son and Grandson joyfully romping in the surf

               After descending to the Pt. Reyes Lighthouse then climbing back up.

Yes, I am posing the question and asking each of you to examine how you take risks in your life. How often do you take a risk? Have you ever taken a daring or even foolish risk? If so have they been beneficial? Are you dare devilish, taking risks that can be down right dangerous and saying to yourself, "damn the torpedoes full speed ahead", or are you on the cautious but brave side? Are you the one who will take risks to improve the lives of others, in other words a dare angel? I've been reading about these angels, the ones that work for Doctors without Borders and other aid organizations in war zones, impoverished countries, facing down horrifying conditions and risking their own lives. And then there are the quieter variety of dare angels who care for the dying in Hospice or volunteer in children's hospitals bringing cheer to the frightened and sick kids. Angels all indeed.

Another good question is: for what cause would you be willing to risk your life?  Quite simply I know I would die for anyone in my family. As for the broader subject of for what cause would you be willing to risk your life, years ago I put my life on the line for a couple of my clients. I am not sure it was one of my smarter manoeuvres, however this was over 25 years ago. The circumstances were these-- one time I interfered with a violent, abusive husband about to pounce on his wife and another time a drunk, out of control boyfriend was about to pounce on me for seeing his girlfriend in counseling. For a little dude I can be pretty fierce.

All of this risk taking started when I was a little girl. I was a 'Tom boy' and a dare devil. If my mom were still alive she'd confirm that. I'd say, "Mom tell them." She'd  answer, "Oh, you were a dare devil when you were a little girl. I remember you used to ride down our hill doing an arabesque on your bicycle seat while holding on to the handle bars." I'd say modestly, "Yes, I remember feeling exhilarated doing that." She'd then say, "Thank God I never saw it, I was too busy with the little ones but I certainly heard about it from the frightened neighbors." Seems I never considered the loss of life or limb.

I soon got my comeuppance in my devilish adventures. At seven I was attempting to balance my way across the top of a very tall swing set at a Community park when I fell. [Seriously, how the hell did I get up there, shimmying?] The park staff called my Mom and she took me to the emergency room where they X-rayed my arm. "All's OK" they said and Mom brought me home. "I knew you weren't OK because the entire next day you wouldn't let go of your arm." She brought me back to the emergency room again and, sure enough, she was right. I had a difficult to diagnose "green stick" fracture.  I had to wear a cast for six weeks and that did slow my dare devil ways, but not completely. I slowly worked my way back up to being a dare devil. This is in kid years, so maybe it was all of six months and then I was riding my bike everywhere and straight down the same hill again. Maybe I have too much testosterone, I don't know.

It didn't stop there, in our neighborhood we'd play Red Rover with the big boys [Wally and Sandy,  a couple of years older than us]. Doesn't sound too scary, does it? Then take into account that they added BB guns to the game.  I didn't dodge in time and got a BB in my thigh. It should have stopped me, but it didn't stop me from playing. Where were the adults? We didn't know and didn't care.

We were afforded huge degrees of freedom in the late 40's, early 50's. The rule was to be home for dinner and don't go over to the canal. Period. We went all over Evanston on our bikes and down to the sewage canal every day though that was supposedly forbidden. I vividly remember being by myself age 10 or so, up high in an apple tree overlooking that canal and thinking how great the whole moment was: the day, the tree and eating an apple. The apple, ever so much juicier and more sensual than Proust's dry Madeline.

I am sad that our corner of the world doesn't allow kids to have that degree of freedom anymore. However, I am also grateful that we do have the watchful and attentive eyes of parents on the kids though because the world is a more dangerous place.

As for me, I'm more or less sure that my dare devil days are over. I'm working on the angel side of the spectrum, more volunteering and writing checks for all of the daring angels all over the globe who are taking the best risk of all: loving actions despite the consequences.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Being Fierce

I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. Lillian Hellman

One of the qualities that I most admire in a person is a capacity for fierceness. Lillian Hellman stood and said the above sentence to the entire McArthur hearings board back in the late fifties during their anti Communist witch hunt. Fierce.

I interpret this quality in the most benevolent sense of the word, closer in meaning to passionate than nastiness. When I recognize that someone has a fierce quality about them, they're the ones I want on my team. They don't give up and are unafraid of road blocks, they drive around them. Most everyone in my family is fierce and so are my friends.

Most readily this fiercesness is seen in sports and competitive contests. I have a grandson who doesn't just practice basketball, he absorbs it. He'll shoot baskets until he makes thirty free throws in a row. What's impressive about that? He was 5 years old when he started this. Five. Then I have a granddaughter who doesn't just play soccer, she vaults her slim body around the field like her life depends on it. She was moved from her age group to the level above and she is only ten and she's out on the field with all of these twelve year olds. Impressive. Many years ago a little girl we knew, Leah, was as passionate and fierce about basketball as my grandson. In those years she couldn't find any girls as competitive as herself and so she started to play with the boys. Now Leah is a woman and she's in an all male field and handles that just like she did the basketballs, with grace and agility.

I have noticed through my more than thirty years as a psychotherapist that the people who make a difference in their lives are the ones who have a degree of fierceness. When that happy combination comes along with a passion to do good in the world, watch out, things are going to happen. My husband is exactly like that. He is getting close to retirement but he has loved his job, loved all of the people that work with him and loves the cause of trying to save and protect Washington state from the forces of evil. His passions and his fierceness has helped not only the state but also has kept this marriage wonderful, fulfilling and exciting. I recommend it.

You gain strengty, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.  You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do.  Eleanor Roosevelt

Without qualification some of the fiercest people are the ones who have faced down a dreaded illness. My brother in law Dirk, went about facing his cancer with aplomb. He had his horrible times with outrageous spiking fevers and had to be hospitalized. Then when we'd visit he always made us feel that he was the gracious host welcoming us into his home. He helped my sister Sally with their taxes the day before he died, he was just that kind of guy. Although he lost his fight with cancer, he never lost his dignity or generosity.

I have a dear friend L who was diagnosed with stage III breast cancer, very awful and very scary. She lost so much: money, her Phd program; her business; and even her breast. Yet amidst all of these losses she maintained her close contact with her partner, family and friends. It was the fiercest battle I've ever witnessed, she was so sick from the chemotherapy. Ultimately she was triumphant and six years after the diagnosis is all clear, cancer free and well.  I told her when I visited her through the years of her battle, "You were just like Merlin, you went from being very old, an eighty year old with the first round of treatments to a seventy year old with the second round and a sixty year old by the time you finished." I am happy to report she looks younger than her mid fifties currently. What an inspiration and a blessing she is to all of us in her life. This is a special inspirational kind of fierceness.

Pray for the dead, fight like hell for the living.   Mother Jones

What if you have lost your cuttting edge and are adrift in apathy and mundaneness? The following are some suggestion to instill some of that fierceness:

1. Time to turn off all your electronics.
2. Time to get off the couch, and be determined to move around.
3. Time to look around for what you find interesting in this world.
4. Time to think about helping others or helping the world. 
5. Time to hanging out in the library.
6. Time to waltz yourself through the Dewey decimal system and figure out what is attractive to you. People? Animals? Art? Sports? Building? Crafts? The array of books on all of these subjects is phenomenial. Can't hurt to wander through the stacks and it just might make for a life changing afternoon.

God knows we could use another heart and hand in the good fight for world peace, ending hunger, eliminating abuse of all sorts. Surely there is a cause that intrigues you. If not a cause, how about a fun, crazy, hobby: belly dancing, paragliding, dog walking, baby sitting, mentoring, tutoring, etc. Who knows it might just lift your spirit and make you soar. Go get 'em.

                             Granddaughter who knows a quick way to soar.

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On the Greatest Wealth and Joy

The four grandchildren with their valuable prizes won at the San Juan County Fair

No woman loves like her that's growing old.   Sophocles

There is only one happiness in life: to love and be loved. George Sand

Without qualification love and especially the love of children has brought me the greatest joy in my life. My husband and I were blessed with two healthy, vivacious, fun loving, intelligent boys for which I am grateful every day. Those of you who have followed my blog know from some of my initial entries we suffered some baby disasters so I guess I may be more appreciative than people who popped out six kids without blinking an eye. To me each child is precious.

Carrying a human being inside of you is nothing short of science fiction and giving birth is one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life. Losing a child is also one of the most painful experiences of my life. That is why it is so important to me to support organizations that help the women and children of the world. When I give, I am renewing my deep gratitude that I have been fortunate to have our wonderful family. The truth is compared to most of the world, we in America who have jobs, cars and all the accoutraments of modern life are comparatively wealthy. By my way of thinking it is our duty to share that wealth with people not so fortunate as ourselves. As a matter of fact some of the most generous people that I know are not the 1%, but instead the struggling middle class. It's interesting that even though many are going through hard times they still manage to be generous. Go figure. Guess being generous brings them joy. Actually that is statistically true, sharing your wealth increase your joy.

Then when my sons married they increased our wealth by bringing two wonderful women into our lives. After a couple of years these wonderful women presented us with the above gorgeous, lively, bright and dear children. More wealth and quadruple the joy! How can I keep from singing??

The best thing about grandchildren is the sense of freedom you feel with these little children. Here you have a child that you love as you did your own child but with none of the undercurrent of anxiety: will I be a good enough parent?; can I always protect and feed him?; etc. Instead it is just sheer delight, and that makes you feel very rich indeed.

Another way in which I am wealthy is that I have a huge extended family consisting of the most interesting, fabulous people on the planet. We, this huge family, get together with a great deal of fanfare. We sing, we laugh and joke, we play games, we eat, drink and are merry. The absolute best of all good times are the weddings that we've celebrated over the last fourteen years. All were joyful affairs and we happily welcome newcomers, via marriage, into this big, boisterous clan of ours. Love and more love.

I know in my work of counseling hundreds of people over the past thirty years that not everyone has the good fortune to have a fabulous family. If that is your situation you must not hesitate to adopt a family into your life. Probably this adoptive family is going to be made up of people who you choose, good friends, who would do anything for you and vice versa andcertainly ones who make you laugh. This will create the opportunity for joy and also increases the amount of love in your life. In other words, do it for selfish reasons, the more love the better. There is an endless supply of love out there: go out into the world and be loving and if you should get some love in return, hot damn. You will be a more joyful, wealthier person.

                                   Having fun together Boxing Day 2009


                                   The four grands in a rare still moment, summer 2011.
susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Folie a Millions

I wonder whether interpersonal boundaries may explain more exotic syndromes such as 'folie a` deux' in which two people such as Bush and Cheney share each other's madness.            V.S. Ramachadran

Let's have a war! We'll attack Iraq! And madness ensued. I personally believe Cheney convinced Bush of the necessity of war [weapons of mass destruction, what a joke] because he stood to amass millions in personal profit from the Halliburton company. Ick! And people voted for them again folks, folie a million.

Closer to home, there are a very few times in counseling when I am left speechless. However, coming up against 'folie a deux' often leaves me feeling that way. Interestingly, I most often see this phenomena when one member of a couple is having an affair. The justification system is profoundly disturbing: "what she doesn't know can't hurt her", or "he deserves it he pays no attention to me." Ultimately one way or another the cat works it's way out of that bag and the result of the discovery is very hurtful to the innocent victims of the egregious action.

Years ago I ran smack up against this when I couldn't figure out why this client I was seeing individually was sullen and distancing from his wife of many years. I had agreed to see both of them in couple's counseling and first saw each separately to sort out the problem from two people's perspectives. Since I had not warned him that I was uncomfortable with this knowledge, he felt he could devulge this fact and I was bound by confidentiality to not disclose to his wife. Needless to say this did not go well. So I then made a rule when working with couples saying to them: "I will not keep a secrets, especially ones as huge as a clandestine affair. If you tell me this in individual counseling, realize that I am going to encourage you to tell the truth to your partner or I will not work with you in couple counseling." Granted this stopped some of the clients in their tracks, never to darken my door again. However, that statement relieves me from being in a crazy making position where I know there's an affair that's  jeopardizing the marriage and the spouse doesn't.

So why does this happen? Why can't someone who is attracted to another person go directly to their mate and say, "hey, we're in big trouble, I have an attraction to someone and we need help..." or more extremely, "honey, I think we need to call it quits, our problems are too huge and I just don't feel I can continue in this marriage." Really, facing up to the truth may be painful but in the long run a lot less so than embarking on the extramarital affair and trying to justify your behavior. Sadly sometimes this is the only way some of my clients have the nerve to exit their relationship: someone else is waiting in the wings.

How about when there are several someones waiting in the wings? This seems to be a speciality of men in powerful positions. There's something else going on there than just wanting to exit their relationships. Hubris, yes, but also selfishness and self assuredness to an incredibly unhealthy degree. Because they are so sure of themselves they somehow delude themselves [and perhaps the person they are having an affair with] that they are invincible. Being sure of one's self can be a virtue or it can lead to an illusion, especially when the invincibility is propped up by the people surrounding you [handlers].

Illusion and delusion of ultimate self assurance brings to mind Arnold Schwartznegger. He is so absolutely self assured that he somehow justified his affair with his housekeeper with whom he then had a child. He is not alone and many other politicians and sport figures, like John Edwards, Herman Cain and Tiger Woods, believed that they were bullet proof. It's fascinating to me that then they try to run for public office as if nothing untoward had occurred. How in the world do they justify [mentally and emotionally] their sexual peccadilloes then try to present themselves as the paragon of truth, justice and the American way? 

An easy explanation of out of control behavior is that the person has a sexual addiction and can't control their impulses, poor them! The same can be said of gamblers and kleptomaniacs, but the bottom line is honesty. First, if one is to recover from their behavioral destructiveness they must realize they are out of control. Next,  they need to admit it and finally get the proper help/support they need to stop the destructive behavior. I often tout the 12 Step programs as the best help for addictions.  I do love them and have seen marvellous life changes when people follow their programs. The bottom line in all of these programs is honesty, self introspection and the ability to want to change. I am aware of my naivety in proposing that if only Bush and Cheney were honest we could have saved this country billions of dollars preventing an unnecessary and costly war. Of course, when thinking about Bush/Cheney that does not allow for the influence of greed and delusion in the above equation. Seems inconceivable, I know but then there are so many out there that use these and other defense mechanisms to support their craziness.

This is a beautiful world filled mostly with kind, honest, caring people. It comes down to this, when you hear something, or discover something that strikes you as nutty, it probably is. Don't just sit there, do something. If something sounds too good to be true [we can have tax cuts and slash the deficit with no repercussions] it probably is. Investigate, think, study and read. Now go and keep your head level!

susanmagicfeather  copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Either/Or vs. Both/And

The either/or model negates a way of peering at a thing and crushes more enthusiasm and ideas than anything else I can think of.
Clarisse Pinkola Estes

We live in the age if extremes, if you are liberal minded you are labeled a 'left wing nut case' and if you are conservative you are a 'tea-bagger' and nasty and vociferous. No dialogue seems possible between extremist groups, what to do, what to do? Give up?

Giving up in disgust is exactly playing into the hands of the extremists, this is just where the two extremist want you to be, frozen by indecision or paralyzed by inaction. And this my friends is the perfect opportunity to make up your own mind. One of the difficulties of the gridlock situation we are in comes from people's rigidity in using the either/or model.

 This is where the rational mind comes in. Truly it's possible to be liberal minded and of a conservative ilk toward certain causes. Let's review the mess that's coming from our legislature. Why isn't  it possible to bridge the two extremes and come up with a compromise budget that would fit both camps? Clearly we all would like the deficit reduced, the poorest of the poor enabled to improve and the children of American taken care of so we all can excel. This isn't a radical notion, but a rational and humane one. What's necessary? Cut the tax breaks on the people and corporations who don't need financial assistance and stop the silly loop holes that erode our budget. I purpose that we cut funding for all the corporate welfare cases, big oil, etc. and stop the excessive funding of the Pentagon's budget, eg. we are still funding weaponry that is being sold to outright tyrants. How about a law against the credit card companies charging people 29% and more for late payments. In the Bible 12% was considered wrong and a crime, where are all the Christians to protest nearly tripling of this wrong?

On the being correct side, there is a necessity to generously take care of the people who have served this country: the soldiers and their families that have made so many sacrifices for all of our welfare. They deserve the pensions and all the attention that we can bring to them,  and generous after care from the trauma that war has engender.

I am also mystified as to why we bailed out the big banks in this country, the ones responsible for all of the loans that were insupportable. We not only bailed out the banks but no fines, penalties or conditions on paying back the bail outs. Then the offensive bonus and parachutes to the big guys causing all the problems. Why aren't they being asked to pay their fair share of the [now] gross profits that they have garnered. Crazy? Yes.

What profoundly interferes with rational thought on how to approach difficult topics like budget short falls is black and white thinking. I learned this term more than thirty years ago from a therapist friend, Laurie who did workshops with me. The newer term would be something like "it's my way or the highway." Note well, the clearest example of black and white thinking is with the very young. Little kid's minds are not yet ready for complexity and so it is helpful to speak to them simplistically. That sums up a good rationale for black and white thinking, immature minds, simplistic ideas and solutions. So, if we are to rise to our full height of maturity, we need to embrace complexity. Instead of black and white, try inserting both/and and see what happens. Hence, "no new taxes" and sticking to it [when they are obviously needed to help the country is plain silly] could be translated into, "some new taxes". "No cuts for any programs" could be re- designated to "some cuts". Instead of either/or we could include both a few new taxes--on the wealthy--and make some cuts on unnecessary programs, farm subsidies and experimental weaponry come to mind.

Emotional Cut-off/ Let Go of Other People's Feelings

In my life, I too, have been guilty of black and white thinking. It was about my parents. This was many years ago when I was doing workshops with my therapist friend Laurie and she asked me one day, "What's wrong, Susan you seem 'off'?" I told her "I am. I'm was furious with my parents, they asked to visit. I don't want them to and yet I'm reluctant to confront them." They had behaved badly to one of my siblings, I heard about it and it left me fuming and angry. If I had persisted in this method of fuming without confrontation it could be called 'emotional cut-off'. She heard my complaint, then said, "This makes no sense, you're usually so honest and forthright." I said, "I think if I told them the truth they'd be crushed and I can't do that to them." "Is that how you want your boys to treat you?" "God, no." "Well then, tell them why you're upset and let go of their  feelings. These are grown adults, they can deal with it." Whew. I knew she was right and even though I felt scared to do it, I put about rectifying the situation and called my parents. Reluctantly I shared what I had to say. I was willing to have them be upset with me. Interestingly, it made a dramatic difference in our relationship, we both became more honest and mature in our dealings with one another. Ultimately I was grateful for this tip: let go of other people's feelings.

Letting go of other people's feelings is chancy. It can have a dramatically bad effect also. I once counseled a woman who very much loved a friend of hers who was also a drinking buddy. The client, Thelma*, started to be very concerned about Louise*. Her drinking had greatly accelerate and Thelma feared for Louise's health and life. We decided on the plan to do "Loving Confrontation" [see the post on 9/1/11] on Louise. I said to Thelma, "you realize this could be a lifesaver for Louise but she may not see it that way." "Yes," said Thelma, "I just no longer feel comfortable drinking with her." "OK then here are the suggestions".

I would love to report to you that Louise took the message as one of concern and love but, that was not the case. She cut off Thelma and severed the friendship, alas, emotional cut off. Love is risky business, but failure to confront when you love someone is sheer cowardice. Be the brave one and confront.

Philosophy teaches us to bear with equanimity the misfortunes of others. Oscar Wilde

 Many of us are raised to be constantly vigilant for how other's might perceive or feel about us. We neglect to ask a very basic question, "is how they feel really any of my business?" The answer 99 times out of 100 is "No". So instead of responding in an intelligent manner we react: sometimes over and sometimes under react, when we should be just responding. Sounds complicated but if you are judicious and kind it really isn't.  For example, a favorite client, Honey*, was in several years ago and I was asking her about her very small extended family. "I haven't seen my sister in years." "Why ever not?" I asked. Honey said, "She is so judgemental of me, always seeing me as the 'problem person' that I just don't want to go there." I said, "So much of that old label,  'problem person', has changed for you. You've gotten yourself in a great relationship and your son is doing so well, can't you share that with them?" She said, "I don't know." I said, "Wonder if you didn't care how they perceived you and took a chance and let them see you with all your new found strengths and happiness." "Seriously?" she said. "Yes," I said, "it's time to let go of other people's feelings." "This is a new concept for me." I said, "Take a chance." Honey did and now has a good connection for herself and her son with her sister and family.

Open both your mind and your heart and spring forth with love. Both/and.

*If you haven't guessed these names are pseudonyms.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout

Small Town Therapist on Duct Tape Therapy

Duct Tape Fixes Everything

Olive oil is the duct tape of cooking
Openness is the duct tape of learning
Tradition is the duct tape of religion
Insight is the duct tape of therapy                        

                                                                                               Flexibility is the duct tape of cooperation

Fearlessness is the duct tape of skiing
Fluidity is the duct tape of ballet
Logic is the duct tape of debate
Compost is the duct tape of gardening
Style is the duct tape of writing
Timing is the duct tape of comedy
Communication is the duct tape of peace
Harmony is the duct tape of marriage
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship
Love is the duct tape of relationship

                              Surprise is the duct tape of humor 

                  and                                                                              You are the duct tape of me.                                     Susan R. Grout 

I got to thinking one day on how often and why for a variety of reasons, I use duct tape and this lead to the poem. What holds us together in relationships is so multifaceted. Clearly the common denominator of what holds the world together is love, all we need is love. Sound familiar?

In my long marriage I have learned some things the hard way, repeatedly making the same mistakes with overwhelming frustration and seemingly no way to resolve the situation. Example being, I'm a chronically on time person. My husband is someone who gets where he's going at the last possible second. Here is what has not worked to hurry him up: drumming my fingers, pacing, nagging, scowling, and preaching. In fact the only thing that has worked is for me to take my own car if I feel frustrated. That's the "S. Grout method". However, for 20 years he worked in another city and came home only on the weekends. Miraculously he managed to make it home having only missed the ferry a couple of times in 20 years. What was remarkable I wasn't there with my superior wisdom and finger drumming techniques to hurry him along. He did it all by himself. Hmm, I wonder if all the pacing and nagging might have been ineffective?

I'm constantly examining what does work in relationships other than love and harmony.
I find it's far easier is to list what doesn't work: selfishness, rudeness, unkindness, disinterest, disdain, contempt, criticism, childishness, intolerance, dishonesty, addictions and deceit. Of course, this is just a partial list there are numerous other road blocks to love and harmony in a relationship. So, by contrast here is the positive list: love, respect, trust, communication, cooperation, humor, maturity, kindness, curiosity, willingness, diligence, honesty and straight forwardness. Simple right?

I find that it's so easy to be calm and a pleasing, nice person when things are going well in a marriage. The positive list springs forth and all is well. Ah, but when difficulties come up, the apple cart gets upset---look out for those falling apples. This has happened, on more than one occasion in the past, when Mr. G and I were hopelessly lost in unfamiliar cities. Tension leapt out of both of us and sadly, we started to decline in age [by decades] and took to yelling and blaming each other as preteens are apt to do. "It's your fault that we are on this dead end road" "You're the one who told me to turn too late!" Ad nauseum.

Communication is the duct tape of peace

 We got the chance to showcase our maturity and progress.  this same situation, getting hopelessly lost, happened on a trip to see the grandchildren. We were supposed to drop our grandson off at a friend's house in the city for a party. Seemingly this was very easy-- until we missed the a quick turn off that I failed point out [I was the navigator]. We found ourselves on one of those highways with an uncrossable median and no way to recover our error for miles. Yikes. To our credit we didn't yell at each other in deference to the children in the car. Also with the miracle of  cell phones we were rescued via speaker phone by the mom at home awaiting our destination with instructions for an alternate route. She was incredibly understanding about our error and very gracious and helpful to us. We looked at each other, after we dropped off the grandson and were much chagrined. There and then we vowed next time to study the map prior to take off for parts unknown. The good news is we were civil to each other, the better news is many years ago this would have been a yell fest and we have matured! About time.

Insight is the duct tape of therapy

My own insights in the past have been rather short lived, I clearly hope that my clients fare better. Though I still tend to make the same mistakes over and over again [did I point out that I am rather impatient?] the agony time is shorter and shorter as I age. "Oops", I say internally and quickly go about rectifying the situation and set about to have a good time, a primary goal in my life.

Flexibility is the duct tape of cooperation

After we finally found our destination for our grandson, our son had urged us to take our granddaughter to a park to play. That way we could wait until we had to pick up our grandson after the party. Well and good. However, have any of you tried to find a parking place on a sunny Sunday near a children's park in a big city? What fun! Sometimes you can get lucky but clearly this was not our day for that and we drove from one car jammed street to the next trying to find one tiny space for our rental car. Finally after 15 minutes of this fruitless endeavor we looked at each other and said, "how about the beach?" Our granddaughter wasn't thrilled but a very good sport especially after we bought her a chocolate croissant and 'Annie's Cheddar Bunnies' [both!] down by the shore. We ended up having a very pleasant afternoon and the final bribe of hot chocolate clinched the deal. A very fine afternoon indeed. Roll with the punches my friend. Not only does duct tape fix everything but also bribery and treats do as well.

:

Timing is the duct tape of comedy
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship

On Perfecting Silliness

Some of my family fooling around.

What happened? I thought they turned you into a newt?
I got better.                                             Monty Python

Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
I'm not dead yet. Boof!

You will be...                                  Monty Python

Every sperm is sacred.                            Monty Python

In the state of Mississippi some believe, that every sperm is practically a person. It was on their ballot. If the thought was not so horrifying for all womanhood, this is to me, the height of silliness. Fortunately Monty Python beat them to the punch with their song, "Every sperm is sacred" and also fortunately the state of Ol' Miss has many rational and intelligent people. The ballot got roundly defeated.

One of the perks of my job is that I get to hear about people's stories and lives. True, everyone has their trials and tribulations and tragedies but often over looked and under appreciated are the screamingly funny situations that happen in most of their lives. That is precisely why I insist that all my clients, each day, find something that is amusing and that each day they be aware that funny/silly things are happening all around.

I really try to talk up silliness as an important addition to any relationship. My family is inordinately close and one of our bonds is the humor we have when together. An example being we just were in Kansas City for a wedding of one of my nieces. MY brother was looking for "the best barbeque in Kansas City" which struck all of us as the perfect quest. So when he asked around and three unrelated people said "Gates" we headed out for the restaurant. When I looked up at the menu and saw "Slab of Ribs", I knew exactly what I wanted. I coaxed my husband, "let's do it!" He shook his head, "that's too much food". I didn't whine but he said, "what the hell" and we got the ribs. They were fabulous and incredibly filling. After I ate approximately one third, he looked down and there was one juicy rib left. He said, "someone tell me to not eat that rib." Spontaneously we all yelled, "Go! Go! Go!" and he finished the rib to our chants. How we laughed. At the wedding in the spirit of silliness my niece and her now husband had rented a photo booth that shoots out the column of four little black and white pictures. The best was my son who kept a straight face and was in a different costume for each shot. When we complimented him he said, "it was hard work." Mr. G and I had so much fun we did it twice, once making faces and kissing and once with costumes.

Speaking of kissing, one of the most under reported sexual allures is the ability to make a partner laugh. It is a huge leg up [no pun intended] for the attraction to a mate and it definitely increases interest in the would be wooer. Speaking personally, Mr. G would never have so quickly won my hand without his ability to make me laugh. The above picture raises silliness to an art form, literally. Here are Mr. G and brother Bob fooling around a sculpture of a giant spider in front of a contemporary art museum. Made me laugh. Aren't they amusing?

I believe that sentiment, increasing daily hilarity in a partner, is hailed by many a woman as an important plus. And since we are the only mammals that can exhibit wit, to my way of thinking, it is an enhanced form of courtship. Admittedly, monkeys, baboons, hyenas can laugh but only when tickled, not from a situation or an expression. I don't think that baboons and monkeys make their partners laugh prior to coupling.

One of the happiest forms of silliness is games. I can hear an audible groan from all the sports fans, but trust me, these honestly are silly games even if they are called Superbowl's, or the World Series [which we refer to in our house as the World Serious]. Money aside it is a form of play and in adults, a form of silliness.

I love some games and loathe others. Don't we all? I will walk, or cross country ski miles to be with friends for a game of Scrabble even in the dead of winter.  I delight in Banana grams, Mexican Train and charades. We are actively trying to pass along this past time to our grandchildren and so far successfully. It's fun and it's silly and, if not too competitive, a relaxing good way to be with each other.

Another good use of silliness is watching other's foibles on YouTube. I spent an entire evening watching videos people had taken of  their dogs that can "talk". Most of them "said" things like "I love you" which sounded a lot like whining but my, oh my was it funny. I discovered this several days after I saw my Mom for what I knew would be the last time in my life and needed a little pick me up. Silliness to the rescue. Also, Will Ferrel has a very funny and very silly video on UTube with his two year old daughter Grace playing the part of his landlady. So, little kids, dogs and cats, puppies and kittens provide endless entertainment, especially if you are sad, lonely, grieving or plain bored.

What this all comes down to is my observation from the previous post that with depression there is very little levity. So it begs the question, can we coax levity? A definite yes. Always? No, but what the hey, give silliness a try. Monty Python works best for me, but then there are the embarrassing favorites like 'The Pineapple Express', 'The Bridesmaids', and less embarrassing 'Young Frankenstein', 'The Producers', 'Raising Arizona' many of the Marx Brothers films. These movies which can shake up your depressed, crabby mood and make you laugh. If that doesn't do the trick read a funny book, call someone who routinely makes you laugh, but act on your funny bone. The only thing you have to lose is the blues.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout  all rights reserved.

Depression, Sausages and Drugs

For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: it might have been.                                             John Greenleaf Whittier 

A sad tale's best for winter...What's gone and what's past help should be past grief.    William Shakespeare                                                             

As simplistic as it sounds, I am in the business of making people happier. No one walks by my or any other counselor’s office and says, “Hey, it’s a nice day, think I’ll go in for counseling.” Clients come in because they’re carrying around problems that need discussing, if not always solving.

Long ago, I read a pivotal study by Dr. Martin Seligman that positively influenced me. In the 1980’s his group of scientists performed an unkind experiment with dogs on “learned helplessness.” They  constructed a huge cage with an electrified  metal floor and shocked the dogs randomly until they just gave up, lay down in their cages and awaited the next jolt. They had induced despair. The story could have ended there, with a pack of highly neurotic dogs. However, these were scientists who had hearts as well as brains and they decided to see if they could help these dogs recover.

So, using sausages as rewards, they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think  perhaps I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages."

The drug companies would have you believe that only with their particular drug can you recover from depression. Pharmacology does have its place in psychotherapy, but significantly less than the drug companies would have you believe. The truth about antidepressants is that, in controlled studies, placebos did almost as well. [Turner et al, University of Oregon Health and Science 2006 and a 2005 article in Scientific American]. Pharmaceuticals is a multi-billion dollar industry and the last thing they want you to know is that there is a more natural route to recovery from depression that is nearly and perhaps more effective as taking their drugs.  

[Caution: If you are currently taking an antidepressant and want to stop, do not cease taking your medication. Talk to your doctor about withdrawing slowly.]  

The alternatives and, in my opinion, superior routes to happiness consists of simple things. You may have heard this over and over again but it bears repeating.

1. Do follow a healthy, nutritious diet, be modest in your portions and don't over eat.
2. Do at least 30 minutes of  exercise regularly (that means most days), which can be as simple as walking or yoga.
3. Do have several good supportive friends in addition to family members.
4. Do become aware and mindful in your life.
5. Do seeking counseling when troubled.
6. Do make sure you are amused and or laughing every day and share that with someone. 
7. Do remember that life can surprise you and be eager to have more good times in your life, even if you are going through a rough patch.
8. Do plan a trip even if it is to another neighborhood for the afternoon, but move the body away from staying house bound.
9. Do go beyond yourself and help a neighbor, call a friend in need, volunteer.
10. Do sit and let all of the sadness that is in you rise up and just watch it, don't judge it, allow it to be--- then get up and do something silly.

I realize that there are those who have done all of the above and still are depressed.I also realize that if you are grieving it is appropriate to be depressed but if it goes on and on it can become "complicated bereavement", turning into protracted depression.

One woman I saw awhile ago was diligent about this non-drug approach and she still was not able to escape her cage. In her case antidepressants was a necessary adjunct. Since numerous studies have shown that psychotherapy coupled with antidepressants greatly enhances recovery from depression, she was able to recover with the two. 

In our small town the Doctors are quite progressive and know that this is the case and frequently refer depressed patients to counselors. Sadly,  the coupling antidepressants with counseling seems not to be well understood in most of the country. Is it because the Doctors are ill informed? Is it because they fear that they would be insulting their patients? Is it that people are embarrassed to seek professional help? Maybe all of the above but something has got to change, it is ridiculous that so many people are needlessly on antidepressants.

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.  Robert Frost

Funny but true, most of us can’t make our own sausages so we turn to the butcher. Rewards, like sausages to a dog, can work for us whether it is a good meal, a hot bath, a good cry with a friend, a movie, candy, a trip, rewards can work.

Sometimes people just need a little tug on their collar in order to view their life in a new way and to get a reward. Counseling can provide that tug on the collar and open up a whole wide world of rewards.

Tomorrow: Effective silliness that cures most

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout  all rights reserved.

Letting Go of the Guilt Machine

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.             Woody Allen

To err is human but it feels divine.                                             Mae West

There is this thing about guilt. It's contradictory. It's very necessary, and very unnecessary, very heavy, and very essential to our  humanness. The biggest trouble with guilt is it's repetitiveness, it has the capability to be unrelenting and unproductive. This can change! [Doesn't this almost sound like I'm in the advertising business: Get Productive and Guilt Free in only Five Easy Lessons!]  I believe when we feel an excessive amount of guilt it can be used effectively and ultimately lessened.

Here are the ten easy steps to lessening the guilt you feel:

1. Sit down [or pace the floor] and come up with what you feel  most guilty about. Be clever, be witty, be depressed, but by all means be honest.
2. Write down what you are guilty about.
3. Sit still [or pace again] and let yourself contemplate your missteps, carelessness, inadvertent sins or purposeful egregious acts.
4. Stay with these wretched thoughts for at least five minutes.
5. As you are thinking write down possible solutions to resolving or absolving the guilt.
6. Make an action plan to ease the burden and make amends when necessary.
7. Be prepared to do the above each day for a week.
8. Put the notebook with the guilt list and solutions away.
9. When your brain tells you that you are guilty, acknowledge it and then concentrate on the actions you've come up with to rectify the situation.
10. Take the action and actively invite the feelings of  release, letting go, as Mae West it can even feel divine.

I'll give you an example of this. Recently, the wife of an old client of mine died a sad and prolonged death. He was at her side and her behest constantly. He is the epitome of the good husband. Yet when I visited him he confessed that he felt wretched for all of the times when he was angry or impatient with her. I'm telling you -he couldn't be more saintly but his thoughts all raced to his imperfections while attending her. I tried to reassure him that for good people like him, with sincerely deep consciences, it's natural to feel guilty. "The brain and body know something is terribly wrong and so in spare moments they will go on a search for things that you feel terrible about and those moments of anger or inattention are bound to pop up." "Well, I did get angry at her sometimes and frustrated about all of the extra work I had to do." "Yes, but she couldn't have had a more caring or devoted husband, remember that." I'm not sure if this lessened his guilt but the explanation about the brain is valid and he did shake his head in recognition and agreement.

He has more of a conscious than Mr. Cheney

The opposite of this is the poor unfortunates who rarely ever have a guilty feeling. Our own Dick Cheney comes immediately to mind. This is a man who not only justified an unnecessary war but also made billions of dollars in profit from this war. He not only does not feel guilty for all that should be on his conscience, but he justifies his actions in a book, thereby profiting again for his sins. This is the height of self serving and is reprehensible. My cat has more of a conscience than Cheney. People like Dick Cheney are the people who tend to be narcissistic, "if it's good for me it must be good." They go on their merry way hurting others in their path [and some are unfortunately children] and never feel the slightest twinge of guilt. Most of us have encountered this in our lives, these people do not make good friends, lovers, neighbors or citizens. In my humble opinion he should be charged with his crimes against humanity and have to pay back all of the profits or at least give the money to the ones who have been harmed by that war. To my count there are hundreds of thousands.

Give me the good men and women with a conscience, the ones who are caring and loving and good citizens to boot, they are going to have moments when they feel guilty. My wish is that they put the guilt to good use and change the situation into something meaningful.

I hope that there is karma, or an after life or some other form of justice that will hold the warmongers, the rapists, the abusers accountable. To focus on all of the injustice and not do anything about it, well, it makes me feel guilty. Hence I write these blogs, I write letters in protest, I vote against the selfish and the greedy. I hope that you do too.

The world needs more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. Oscar Levant

If I were Queen, I say humbly, I would order all of the actually guilty people to do penance, in public. I would order public works like care taking wounded soldiers, rehabilitation paid for by the abusers, have the monies restored by the bankers who stole from us all and then gave themselves bonuses, etc. See, if you follow logical consequences it could all go so well. The Queen has spoken, long live the Queen.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Misbehaving with Recipes and Life

Some say the world will end in fire
Some say in ice
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire            Robert Frost

I've been asked on many occasions if I would consent to give a recipe, principally of desserts that I've made for pot lucks. Though flattered, I have a standard reply: "sure, with this caveat: I rarely follow a recipe exactly. I use them as jumping off points and tend to improvise like a jazz scat singer."  Well, perhaps that is an over exaggeration but having given precisely written out recipes to people I've found that the results so vary from what they tasted of mine, that I can't help but think there is one missing ingredient: me.

An excellent cook, Jonathan

I don't like to cook, I love to cook. My desire is to makes something not only delicious but also a bit surprising. I love to throw in an ingredient that has people tasting and puzzling and tasting again. The brave ones always ask, "what makes this so unusual?" And depending on the audience I will reply with the truth or say something ridiculous like "toothpaste!" Amuses the hell out of me to watch their expressions.

I carry this over to my counseling. I can't recount all of the times that I've gone to a workshop, supposedly with a shiny new technique for the psychotherapist, and thought, "Humm, interesting technique, I do that but with my own twist." I realize that must be extremely frustrating for the junior clinician who "just wants the facts ma'am" but the truth is psychotherapy is a lot like cooking. I don't like it, I love it. I know that working with people there is always that third ingredient that makes a huge difference in the outcome. Some of this has to do with my experience and all of the 40 years of studying and trying to create the best possible outcomes for my clients. But there is that 'other' factor, an alchemical blend of respect and love that propels the client, and me forward to reach some times just satisfactory and other times fantastic conclusions.

One of my favorite examples of this was a woman I saw many years ago who had several family members killed in a bizarre accident. Her grief was, as you can imagine, enormous. She needed a way to cope so she could concentrate and do her job. I did all of the usual acceptable techniques to hurry up the grief process and then I turned to her and said, "I think we need some kind of a ceremony." That next week, she brought in the most profound poem about her burning desire to see justice done for her dead relatives. As she read the poem, I was teary and happened to looked up over her head, out the window to see first a murder of crows and then a convocation  of eagles fly by the window. I stopped her and said, "You've got to see this" and we watched in awe as they gracefully circled back by the windows again. This is the alchemical, the something you can't teach in a workshop but such a powerful ingredient in her recovery it left us both speechless.

I have so many tips and recipes to share but I am best sparked by other's requests so just like with clients who come in and want changes in their lives, what would you like? Could it be a change or a recipe? Feel free to request. I will see what I can do and what happens between us. Let's get fired up, that's how the change happens.

magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Lost Harvest

Mr. G and I went babysitting over the weekend and to say the least it was a delight. Our grandchildren at 10 and 6 years old both play soccer and we got to take them to both games. Such fun and they are excellent players. I came home Sunday night and it was dark as I pulled into the driveway, appreciative that friend Meg had taken good care of my cat Rufus, he was there waiting for me. Exhausted from babysitting I slept nine full hours, awoke refreshed and eager to spend the morning preparing a thank you lunch for Meg. The lunch was good, especially the apple cake that I made, giving her more than half to take home. We had two rousing games of Scrabble, each winning one. After she left I took a walk to collect the mail and as I ambled back thinking "I'll pick the apples and start first on apple jelly, then perhaps some apple butter and then give some of those apples to my nieces and sons..." when I reached the driveway with a clear shot of the apple tree in the sun and discovered that every last apple had been picked from my little tree. At first I couldn't believe it. I ran to the tree and looked up, not even one apple left. This was not only theft, this was cruelty.

Last year because of climate change we had a wonky spring and a very late frost. I called Mr. G that year and said, "I just ate our crop." It was a whopping three apples. So you can only imagine how excited I was to have a lush crop of the Akane apples this year. Thrilled. You can also imagine how saddened and disappointed I am to have had harvest violation.

I called the people most important to me, first Mr. G but he was travelling and unavailable, then one of my nieces and then Meg. She said, "I never noticed the tree, do you think your neighbor had someone pick them for you?" "No, she is in Canada until mid week, and she would never do such a thing without asking." So, still feeling violated I called the Sheriff, it was all he could do not to laugh. "How do you like them apples," I believe was his most sympathetic comment.  A bit later Mr. G called back and was appalled and also sooooo angry. He wanted me to check the house and I did, not sure if anything was missing. We talked for about 10 minutes, unfortunately escalating each other's outrage.

After hanging up from the call to my husband I felt a need to clean the house. I vacuumed and scrubbed to get the foul taste out of my head and to stop the whirling thoughts. Still angry I decided to switch gears altogether and made myself a nice dinner, chopping veggies and including an apple from the tree that I fortuitously did harvest before the pillage. A tad better, I went upstairs to connect with all my family that's on Face book. That's when things did dissipate.

When I refuse to forgive someone who wronged me, I sentence the person to a long prison term without pardon ... Now as jailer, I must spend as much time in prison as the prisoner I am guarding. Bearing a grudge is very costly, because those feelings of anger, resentment and fear drain my energy and imprison my vitality and creativity.                Zalman Schachter-Shalomi

Naturally  I read my e mails first and among them was pictures from my old friend Judie of a Polar bear that befriended a Huskie in Alaska and came each night to play with him. Then there was pictures of Koala bears in Australia begging for water when it was unbearably hot [pun intended]. Very cute indeed and gives you a different outlook on love and generosity. Next I went to Facebook as saw the ultra sound picture of a niece's baby. Exciting for the entire tribe, and we are a huge one. Finally I watched a CNN film clip someone sent. It was about a man in India who had worked as a chef in a Four Star hotel, but noticed the starving all around him. He said, "I quit my job and since 2002, I have fed the starving and abandon people who lived in my city." I watched as he tenderly fed and shaved a starving man, an 'untouchable'. It was touching and a good reminder of how spoiled we are, those  of us with a good job, a home, a fabulous family and yes, apples to spare.

Gratitude can change your attitude.     Anon

The apple thieves did wrong me and I am disheartened by their actions but I refuse to be their jailer. This is when the magical thinking kicks in and I hope that they truly were desperate and starving and without a job. Being in a somewhat affluent community brings doubt to my mind, but what the heck it is my fantasy. Would have be nice if:

1. they had asked
2. they were truly needy
3. they weren't sneaky
4. they were honorable and left at least half of the apples for our family.

I am giving myself the entire rest of the day to pout about the loss of my apples. I will be pissed about the presents I cannot present, the dishes I can't make, the lusciousness of biting into the crisp Akane off the tree and the icky violation I feel at being ripped off.

As is our custom, Mr. G and I talk every night on the phone. We, of course, launched into a heated discussion of how rotten those apple thieves are. Then he said something very good, "we've got to stop talking about this or I will never get to sleep." Hey, I am supposed to be the smarty pants counselor and here he is counseling and consoling me. So we talked about our granddaughter and what a terrific star she is on her team and how funny the six year old grandson is and we laughed together at their attempts to get Mr. G to have a "natural laugh" by pressing on his stomach. [He would imitate Woody Woodpecker every time, which reduced me to gales of natural laughter.] And after about five minutes we both were better. Ah, the brain can change and lighten the load.

I am going to work and I am going to ride my bike on this crisp fall day and I am going to put my face into the sun and be grateful that I have this wonderful life even if I am a few apples short of a barrel.

magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Heart before the Course

Just don't go puttin' the cart before the horse.         Everyone's Grandparent

"Don't put the heart before the course," I said. Oops! This sentence came to me while talking to a charming but very reticent client.  Imagine, he was actually dreading his future, sure that he was never going to find a life partner. Of course he was dreading a future of his imagination, not reality but something he congered up from his insecurities and fears. He had just divorced a couple of years ago and was fearful of dating and being rejected.

I think it was Mark Twain who said something like this: 'I have lived through trauma, turmoil and tragedy all of my life, most of which I imagined.' I try to interrupt those imagined negative outcomes.  And this is the point at which I misspoke myself to my client. I then laughed and corrected myself but added,  "you do need to put the heart with the course, not before it."

The oft quoted tome is to "follow your heart" and that is lovely when it comes to traveling, books, movies, literature, jobs and a host of other things. However, that is not always the best advice for someone who has had a series of troubled love relationships. I see many people who have had numerous failed relationships in various degrees of failure. So, wonder if you are one of those people who chooses with their heart and always picks someone who is dangerous for you. Or, wonder if in the case of the famous Jane Fonda, who admits: "the men I married were like me, they were not good at intimate relationships." Then, my dear, we need to follow more than just the heart. The same sorry advice is there in "let me hear your body speak," famously used in the song, "Let's get Physical". This is the error when someone uses 'better living through the chemistry' and they feel the body is the supreme voice. Oh my, but it can lead to some fairly disasterous choices for life partners. I've had women say, "I couldn't resist him, the way he looked at me made me all weak inside eventhough I knew he was a deadbeat Dad and all." Then, and finally, if you choose that life partner only with your head, more than one client has confessed, "he made good sense to me [as a life partner], I didn't want any wild boys anymore and he was such an adult man..." This choice, without the sustaining sexual/passion chemistry, can lead to the most boring of circumstances. The exception to this is that you are in your seventies and just really want a companion. So there we have it, the wrong way to go about choosing.  Then, how does one pick a great partner if you don't just "follow your heart, or only go for the chemical hit or leave your feelings behind and make a 'head decision"? Here are some ideas that I have gleaned over the 30 years in private practice and 44 years in a wonderful marriage. There are plenty of books out there that can give you advice from reknown psychologists on marriage,  but I ask you, how many of the psychologists who wrote these books had a great marriage? You'd be surprised, not many.

Here are a few suggestions for the 'course on relationship'. This course teaches you that choosing a life partner must involve not just your heart, but your head [mind], your guts and your intuition.

1. First of all in choosing, aim for a "lover relationship" that is grounded in friendship, attraction, mutual interests, passions, humor, fun, trust and respect.
2. If this is a new relationship, introduce your new person to all of the people that you care about and later, ask them to be candid with you what they think about your new love.
3. When you have taken the plunge and formalized the relationship be sure to prioritize time for intimacy, not just sex but romantic get aways [even if it is just a walk around your neighborhood] where you can talk about what's on your mind.
4. Keep yourself interesting, by reading, taking courses, sharing your opinion about world events, about the people you love or loathe, about the complications of your life. Share this and more on a daily basis.
5. My famous dictum: tell the truth and run applies daily. Reveal your authenticity and always tell your partner what's bothering you or what's fabulous for you. The more 'touching in' each day, even about the small stuff, keeps your partner apprised of where you are emotionally.
6. If this is the special person in your life, act like it. Be kind, loving, interested, generous and compassionate.
7. Realize that you will have disagreements because you are not identical twins, but argue with your head and your heart. Be as respectful as you would to someone you greatly admired.
8. Share your love to many: open your home, be interested in making new friends and connections and keeping things moving and lively.
9. Be quick to admit when you are wrong and apologize promptly.
10. Above all stay aware and amused and try and make you partner laugh each day.
11. Appreciate what you do have and do so loudly, as I have said before, "praise does wonders for our sense of hearing."
12. Love, love, love, kiss, kiss, kiss. Doesn't sound very scientific but, hey it works.

I discussed many of these ideas in the blog on "A Long and Fulfilling Marriage" in March. I am a big promoter of happier unions and science backs me up. Marriage, or a life partner encourages stability, staves off loneliness, usually solves financial problems and if worked properly lets people grow old in a healthier manner than being alone. plus you have someone to share jokes, complaints, meals and people with. It can be blissful.

In May we will celebrate our 44th anniversary and will be celebrating 42 years of married bliss. Hey, we're not perfect.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

In a Word, It's Hard...of Hearing

Many years ago at the urgings of my sons and husband I went for my first hearing exam. The wheels of suggestion tend to move very slowly for me and I had waited until I'd lost most of the soft sounds and had to ask people to repeat what they'd said more often. Movies were particularly difficult and I was unable to understand some of the dialogue. Not wanting to be rude I'd tug on Mr.G's shirt sleeve whispering, "what did they just say?" Being kind and sympathetic he'd answer me, "humm, mmmm, tttppp." So, more frustration, I couldn't understand his whispered response. I succumbed to the obvious and made the appointment for the exam.

During that first exam my fantasy was the Doctor would lean back and reply enthusiastically, "oh these are just plugged eustacian tubes," or "what a nasty infection you have in there" adding, " and we'll have this cleared up in no time!" Instead after the tests the Doc smiled kindly and said, "you should consider a hearing aid."

I remember that I didn't cry as I headed for a whole milk with whipped cream mocha, but I did feel particularly sorry for myself. "Poor me. I am far and away too young to be plagued with this tragedy, after all, I am a psychotherapist and rely on my listening for a living." I was only 50 years old not like my Mother who in her 70's finally got a hearing aid after years of shouting, "stop mumbling, I can't hear you."

In the adjustments stage of "I'm not ready for a hearing aid" I did all kinds of tricks: I pulled my chair ever closer to the soft spoken, honed my attention to the speaker in crowds and taught myself to read lips. To lighten up the situation I'd say to the soft spoken women, "if you don't speak up I'll be in your lap in a minute, " which usually rectified that problem pronto. Yet, it could be frustrating getting only part of a conversation in a phone call and worse, sometimes I'd have the most ridiculous guesses as to what someone was saying. Here's an example, an electrician was working at our house and I thought he said, "could I borrow your vacuum?" I glowed thinking of him humming while he vacuumed my house. "Sure", I said, "the vacuum's in the closet."  "No, the BATHROOM." Embarrassing. This misunderstanding, I am sorry to say, was not that unusual. This struggling to hear accurately went on for more time than I care to admit.  Finally I had a dream: I couldn't hear what someone was saying and in that dream a friend of mine said, "Susan, get a hearing aid." Not even subtle and I awoke chuckling.

Since I had waited so long, I had to be retested. My loss had progressed from mild to moderate, no surprise there. The young audiologist for this first go round of hearing aids put putty in my ears for the digital hearing aids that, at the time were the most technically advanced and the most expensive. President Clinton was wearing them and braver than me, was touting them to one and all. One of their charms is that you can fool people into thinking that you can hear perfectly because they are completely hidden in the ear canal. She recommended that I have one in each ear and gave me a 30 day trial period. She told me "scads of people are wearing these hearing aids, you probably haven't noticed." 

When my new hearing aids arrived, I  put them in and waltzed out of the office with great optimism and immediately, against the advice of the young audiologist, went to a noisey grocery store.  She had wanted me to stay in "gentle environments" to gradually acclimate to the sounds. Well, I don't do anything gradually, I believe in plunging in so this first excursion was more than educational. I could hear all of the irritating noises amplified: the paper bags rustling, the blaring shopper announcements and worse, my knees continually crinkling as I walked. I kept thinking, "do I need this?"

I kept mistakenly calling them "my ear plugs," because that's how it felt to me, ear plugs with a microphone. I became hyperconscious of my own voice, very annoying. But I continuted to be hopeful and adventuresome and wore the plugs in my office, to the movies, at home listening to music, on the phone and finally into an antique store. It was in one of the antique stores that I decided that perhaps wearing only one of the hearing aids would be less annoying, so I put one of those very small devices in the breast pocket of my vest. As I was climbing back into my car after poking around I realized to my horror that the hearing aid was not in my pocket. I must have dropped it, but where? In true financial panic I flew into the first one of the three antique stores and said, "I'm missing my hearing aid and it looks like this," as I whipped out the plug from my ear, "can any of you help me find it?" Imagine, if you will, the horror of combing those stuffed-to-the-gills dusty old shops for an object no bigger than a pistachio nut. The man behind the counter marshaled everyone in the store to help look. Everyone was so kind and solicitous and no, it wasn't to be found in the first, then the second store. I walked into the third shop and there lying on the floor, miraculously untouched by human feet, was that tiny hearing aid. I couldn't wait to get rid of those expensive devices.

Mind you, I had only used them for a month but I never did, with that model anyway, have the "ah-ha, so this is why I got a hearing aid" experience. Honestly, I was hoping that the digital hearing aids would be like wearing glasses for the first time when I was 13. "Will you look at that," I said to my sister in awe, "you can see individual leaves on the trees!" Indeed, it was then explained to me that the hearing aids can significantly but only modestly improve my hearing loss.

So I coped again and told the soft of speech "I have a hearing loss and would you mind speaking a bit louder?" Some people were uncomfortable knowing that I had this loss and I truly feared that I would lose all of my clients. That did not happen, I remained busy at work.

I tried another round and got one of the obvious, more old fashioned and less expensive models, the kind that you can see,  the ones that fits in the outer cavity of the ear and has a little wheel for volume control. Mom had one and liked it, so, I thought, why not try it. I did and it was OK for several years, a definite improvement over the ear plugs. I liked that I was able to tune out the fussy babies, the irritating overheard conversations and the loud music.

I was at a very raucous Christmas party a couple of years ago, wearing my single outer hearing aid and having trouble talking to one of my acquaintences with all of the background noise. He had just gotten hearing aids for the first time and was so pleased about his new hearing aids that he all but sang the Halleleujah chorus. Seems the hearing aids in the four years since I had acquired my outer number, had advanced again and it was an over the ear digital model. He actually wanted me to try it on at the party. I deferred but the enthusiasm was not wasted on me. I made an appointment, got tested and walked out that day with two new hearing aids. They are highly specifically programed to my hearing loss, have multiple settings for various situations and are a great deal better than the previous two models that I tried. So, I'm also pleased, not thrilled mind you, but satisfied. I still cannot hear everything that I would like to and sadly one of my ears hears things in a distorted fashion.

People have all kinds of losses in their lives. Loved ones sicken and die, their pets grow old and fail, they lose their agilities and their abilities, their sight becomes impaired and so does their health  and they inevitably have to face their own death. This loss of hearing is a minor loss and by no means a tragedy. I don't love my hearing aids but I appreciate them each day and am so grateful that I am fortunate enough to have them.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.