Heart before the Course

Just don't go puttin' the cart before the horse.         Everyone's Grandparent

"Don't put the heart before the course," I said. Oops! This sentence came to me while talking to a charming but very reticent client.  Imagine, he was actually dreading his future, sure that he was never going to find a life partner. Of course he was dreading a future of his imagination, not reality but something he congered up from his insecurities and fears. He had just divorced a couple of years ago and was fearful of dating and being rejected.

I think it was Mark Twain who said something like this: 'I have lived through trauma, turmoil and tragedy all of my life, most of which I imagined.' I try to interrupt those imagined negative outcomes.  And this is the point at which I misspoke myself to my client. I then laughed and corrected myself but added,  "you do need to put the heart with the course, not before it."

The oft quoted tome is to "follow your heart" and that is lovely when it comes to traveling, books, movies, literature, jobs and a host of other things. However, that is not always the best advice for someone who has had a series of troubled love relationships. I see many people who have had numerous failed relationships in various degrees of failure. So, wonder if you are one of those people who chooses with their heart and always picks someone who is dangerous for you. Or, wonder if in the case of the famous Jane Fonda, who admits: "the men I married were like me, they were not good at intimate relationships." Then, my dear, we need to follow more than just the heart. The same sorry advice is there in "let me hear your body speak," famously used in the song, "Let's get Physical". This is the error when someone uses 'better living through the chemistry' and they feel the body is the supreme voice. Oh my, but it can lead to some fairly disasterous choices for life partners. I've had women say, "I couldn't resist him, the way he looked at me made me all weak inside eventhough I knew he was a deadbeat Dad and all." Then, and finally, if you choose that life partner only with your head, more than one client has confessed, "he made good sense to me [as a life partner], I didn't want any wild boys anymore and he was such an adult man..." This choice, without the sustaining sexual/passion chemistry, can lead to the most boring of circumstances. The exception to this is that you are in your seventies and just really want a companion. So there we have it, the wrong way to go about choosing.  Then, how does one pick a great partner if you don't just "follow your heart, or only go for the chemical hit or leave your feelings behind and make a 'head decision"? Here are some ideas that I have gleaned over the 30 years in private practice and 44 years in a wonderful marriage. There are plenty of books out there that can give you advice from reknown psychologists on marriage,  but I ask you, how many of the psychologists who wrote these books had a great marriage? You'd be surprised, not many.

Here are a few suggestions for the 'course on relationship'. This course teaches you that choosing a life partner must involve not just your heart, but your head [mind], your guts and your intuition.

1. First of all in choosing, aim for a "lover relationship" that is grounded in friendship, attraction, mutual interests, passions, humor, fun, trust and respect.
2. If this is a new relationship, introduce your new person to all of the people that you care about and later, ask them to be candid with you what they think about your new love.
3. When you have taken the plunge and formalized the relationship be sure to prioritize time for intimacy, not just sex but romantic get aways [even if it is just a walk around your neighborhood] where you can talk about what's on your mind.
4. Keep yourself interesting, by reading, taking courses, sharing your opinion about world events, about the people you love or loathe, about the complications of your life. Share this and more on a daily basis.
5. My famous dictum: tell the truth and run applies daily. Reveal your authenticity and always tell your partner what's bothering you or what's fabulous for you. The more 'touching in' each day, even about the small stuff, keeps your partner apprised of where you are emotionally.
6. If this is the special person in your life, act like it. Be kind, loving, interested, generous and compassionate.
7. Realize that you will have disagreements because you are not identical twins, but argue with your head and your heart. Be as respectful as you would to someone you greatly admired.
8. Share your love to many: open your home, be interested in making new friends and connections and keeping things moving and lively.
9. Be quick to admit when you are wrong and apologize promptly.
10. Above all stay aware and amused and try and make you partner laugh each day.
11. Appreciate what you do have and do so loudly, as I have said before, "praise does wonders for our sense of hearing."
12. Love, love, love, kiss, kiss, kiss. Doesn't sound very scientific but, hey it works.

I discussed many of these ideas in the blog on "A Long and Fulfilling Marriage" in March. I am a big promoter of happier unions and science backs me up. Marriage, or a life partner encourages stability, staves off loneliness, usually solves financial problems and if worked properly lets people grow old in a healthier manner than being alone. plus you have someone to share jokes, complaints, meals and people with. It can be blissful.

In May we will celebrate our 44th anniversary and will be celebrating 42 years of married bliss. Hey, we're not perfect.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

On a Long and Fulfilling Marriage

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well.

I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we would run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal.

I tell young couples, " be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say, " be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy with the ones you love each day is critically important.

Third, be kind.

I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck!

Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. However there is an art to this, please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It is OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other.

When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience], it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say.

Sixth, age well like fine wine.

Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in each others dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it is just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride. Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

Tomorrow: My Near Death Experience and What It Taught Me

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.