Folie a Millions

I wonder whether interpersonal boundaries may explain more exotic syndromes such as 'folie a` deux' in which two people such as Bush and Cheney share each other's madness.            V.S. Ramachadran

Let's have a war! We'll attack Iraq! And madness ensued. I personally believe Cheney convinced Bush of the necessity of war [weapons of mass destruction, what a joke] because he stood to amass millions in personal profit from the Halliburton company. Ick! And people voted for them again folks, folie a million.

Closer to home, there are a very few times in counseling when I am left speechless. However, coming up against 'folie a deux' often leaves me feeling that way. Interestingly, I most often see this phenomena when one member of a couple is having an affair. The justification system is profoundly disturbing: "what she doesn't know can't hurt her", or "he deserves it he pays no attention to me." Ultimately one way or another the cat works it's way out of that bag and the result of the discovery is very hurtful to the innocent victims of the egregious action.

Years ago I ran smack up against this when I couldn't figure out why this client I was seeing individually was sullen and distancing from his wife of many years. I had agreed to see both of them in couple's counseling and first saw each separately to sort out the problem from two people's perspectives. Since I had not warned him that I was uncomfortable with this knowledge, he felt he could devulge this fact and I was bound by confidentiality to not disclose to his wife. Needless to say this did not go well. So I then made a rule when working with couples saying to them: "I will not keep a secrets, especially ones as huge as a clandestine affair. If you tell me this in individual counseling, realize that I am going to encourage you to tell the truth to your partner or I will not work with you in couple counseling." Granted this stopped some of the clients in their tracks, never to darken my door again. However, that statement relieves me from being in a crazy making position where I know there's an affair that's  jeopardizing the marriage and the spouse doesn't.

So why does this happen? Why can't someone who is attracted to another person go directly to their mate and say, "hey, we're in big trouble, I have an attraction to someone and we need help..." or more extremely, "honey, I think we need to call it quits, our problems are too huge and I just don't feel I can continue in this marriage." Really, facing up to the truth may be painful but in the long run a lot less so than embarking on the extramarital affair and trying to justify your behavior. Sadly sometimes this is the only way some of my clients have the nerve to exit their relationship: someone else is waiting in the wings.

How about when there are several someones waiting in the wings? This seems to be a speciality of men in powerful positions. There's something else going on there than just wanting to exit their relationships. Hubris, yes, but also selfishness and self assuredness to an incredibly unhealthy degree. Because they are so sure of themselves they somehow delude themselves [and perhaps the person they are having an affair with] that they are invincible. Being sure of one's self can be a virtue or it can lead to an illusion, especially when the invincibility is propped up by the people surrounding you [handlers].

Illusion and delusion of ultimate self assurance brings to mind Arnold Schwartznegger. He is so absolutely self assured that he somehow justified his affair with his housekeeper with whom he then had a child. He is not alone and many other politicians and sport figures, like John Edwards, Herman Cain and Tiger Woods, believed that they were bullet proof. It's fascinating to me that then they try to run for public office as if nothing untoward had occurred. How in the world do they justify [mentally and emotionally] their sexual peccadilloes then try to present themselves as the paragon of truth, justice and the American way? 

An easy explanation of out of control behavior is that the person has a sexual addiction and can't control their impulses, poor them! The same can be said of gamblers and kleptomaniacs, but the bottom line is honesty. First, if one is to recover from their behavioral destructiveness they must realize they are out of control. Next,  they need to admit it and finally get the proper help/support they need to stop the destructive behavior. I often tout the 12 Step programs as the best help for addictions.  I do love them and have seen marvellous life changes when people follow their programs. The bottom line in all of these programs is honesty, self introspection and the ability to want to change. I am aware of my naivety in proposing that if only Bush and Cheney were honest we could have saved this country billions of dollars preventing an unnecessary and costly war. Of course, when thinking about Bush/Cheney that does not allow for the influence of greed and delusion in the above equation. Seems inconceivable, I know but then there are so many out there that use these and other defense mechanisms to support their craziness.

This is a beautiful world filled mostly with kind, honest, caring people. It comes down to this, when you hear something, or discover something that strikes you as nutty, it probably is. Don't just sit there, do something. If something sounds too good to be true [we can have tax cuts and slash the deficit with no repercussions] it probably is. Investigate, think, study and read. Now go and keep your head level!

susanmagicfeather  copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved