In a time lacking in truth and certainty and filled with anguish and despair, no woman should be shamefaced in attempting to give back to the world, through her work, a portion of its lost heart. Louise Bogan
No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit. Helen Keller
I started doing workshops with a dear therapist friend in 1985. Both of us were weary of people relishing their victim hood and languishing in the land of the 'unwell'. They almost took it as a badge of honor that they had been abused and so therefore did not have to strive to get well. How could they when they were living their past each day and driving a groove the size of a Hummer into their consciousness by constant verbal and mental repetition. [see post on brain wiring 11/7/11 ] Getting well is incredibly difficult for some, but it is possible to achieve with a certain amount of determination and luck. I added the 'luck' because some of these clients ended up having dread diseases which exacerbated their despair and others had literally been in wars and suffered a degree of brain damage. No fault there.
In the workshops we stressed recovery and resiliency. Our formula went something like this:
- Articulate the trauma that was in your life.
- Feel the feelings that you have about the event or situations.
- Express to another person what that was like for you.
- Write down what you want to get rid of.
- Do a formal ceremony of letting go of the events.
- Let them go with love. The past is gone forever.
If you were the Star, you'd probably be the oldest child and an overachiever in your family of origin. You probably got a lot of kudos from, not only the family but also the outside world. So it's not easy with all of the reinforcement to stop being hyper responsible, sometimes to a ridiculous degree. These are the people I always want to hire. They tend to be perfectionists and put in 150% for any job they do. Sounds ducky unless you are the one who's keeping yourself awake at night worrying about not getting everything done in a timely fashion, possibly pissing off your boss. You see? Sounds great but can have lousy repercussions.
Next is the Rebel--- sometime with good cause. This is usually the second or third oldest child who wants no part of the goody-goody role of the first child. This child acts up and rebels. So off they go on a pursuit of fun, failure and fanfare. The rewards are the fun, excitment and rubbing the authorities' nose in it. Carried into adulthood it many numerous downsides most of which are the failures that come with constantly reacting in an angry fashion to the world. Living in constant anger takes a toll on a person and on those who love them.
The Dreamer tries to stay under the radar in the family and keep the low profile by being mostly in their own world. They might have a hard time connecting with people because they are so guarded and a real down side is that they tend to absorb much of the pain of the family dynamic. Ouch.
Everybody loves the Class Clown, the life of the party, the diffuser of all tense situations, the distractor of potential problems with their keen sense of humor. Seemingly an impeccable role unless it means that no one really knows you and your relationships are all superficial. The belief that the clown acquires is "I must be amusing to be" ... truly a set up for loneliness 101.
The Way Out
Just as roles can be rigid and narrow, so can the descriptions of the roles be rigid and narrow. People are more complex and complicated than mere stereotypes. These are just handy generizations we cobbled together for our clients to help them recognize part of themselves, and how being stuck in a family role can be destructive in their lives today.
If you find yourself in one the roles, it is important to break free of the patterned behavior that goes with it. Most of us came from less than perfect homes and have a couple of these roles in us. In times of stress, we tend to fall back on the least helpful roles. This is preventable if we are aware of our internal mechanisms and have taken pains to correct the rigidity of the roles. Losing the rigidity and gaining the awareness and fluidity, enables you to choose how you respond to life rather than reacting. Recognition is key to recovery from the old roles and breaking free of them is crucial to leading a happier life. Victim hood is being endlessly stuck and responding the same way with an emphasis on pity for yourself rather than love. It is an unfortunate trap and a prison.
If you find yourself in one the roles, it is important to break free of the patterned behavior that goes with it. Most of us came from less than perfect homes and have a couple of these roles in us. In times of stress, we tend to fall back on the least helpful roles. This is preventable if we are aware of our internal mechanisms and have taken pains to correct the rigidity of the roles. Losing the rigidity and gaining the awareness and fluidity, enables you to choose how you respond to life rather than reacting. Recognition is key to recovery from the old roles and breaking free of them is crucial to leading a happier life. Victim hood is being endlessly stuck and responding the same way with an emphasis on pity for yourself rather than love. It is an unfortunate trap and a prison.
Why do people stay stuck in roles that cause them heartache? They either don't know any other way to be or they are defeated before they begin the difficult road to change. A familiar refrain is "I've always been this way." Being stuck, like the women who are in abusive relationships, in an odd way feels familiar even though it isn't exactly comfortable. It's the known, change is the unknown. Fear keeps you stuck in that place, love can set you free.
Many of the women I have worked with over the years have said, "I pick the same type of man over and over again." What we do is dissect their role in their family of origin and see if we can find a pattern that has come with them from childhood [their role in their family] and let her, with her new awareness respond differently to the men in her life. Fascinating and it works well.
Many of the women I have worked with over the years have said, "I pick the same type of man over and over again." What we do is dissect their role in their family of origin and see if we can find a pattern that has come with them from childhood [their role in their family] and let her, with her new awareness respond differently to the men in her life. Fascinating and it works well.
The picture of the turquoise water and the hole in the rock wall, is illustrative of what lies beyond---- the mountains blocking your way to a new life. But look, there is light in the cave. What else? You say to yourself, "This could be dangerous--if the way out looks frightening, perhaps it is". So the first order of business: you have make the leap into the water. Then you have to know how to swim. However, if you have an excellent guide/teacher who has swum through the hole in the mountain and come out on the other side unscathed, dive in. Swimming through just might be exhilarating...
This picture was taken in Capri and our guide, Guido, was a native and had swum all over the Isle of Capri-- we were lucky to have him as our guide. We got to dive off the boat into that gorgeous, warm water and swim through that hole in the mountain. I must admit, I had some trepidation as I saw we were about to swim through a cave. When we did swim through that cave and came out on the other side, there was the most lovely little beach. A delightful surprise. Ah, refreshing, invigorating swim then to a tranquil, warm, sunny beach--everything you want in a beach, and life for that matter. I felt sad for the few who opted to stay on the boat, they were fearful of the water.
Risk getting well, and risk being optimistic. You have to do this on purpose. I am attempting to give back to the world a piece of its broken heart, one client and family at a time. It is never easy work but the rewards are like diving into that turquoise water...
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