The Subtle Art of Loving Confrontation

Tell the truth and run.
An old Swedish proverb

Tell the truth and duck.
An old Finnish proverb

It is such a relief to be told the truth.
Katherine Anne Porter

In my 30 plus years as a psychotherapist I have had to do many a confrontation and only the worst one comes to mind. Once I had an entire family come to me concerned that their beloved Mother was going to drink herself to death or kill someone as she frequently was driving drunk. Being naive and optimistic, a seriously unfortunate combination I was afflicted with in my younger years, I did a hasty run through with several family members and we called a meeting and Mom was the star guest. Well, they all read their letters, so sincerely and so caring and Mom, sat there calmly and roasted each one deftly with some secret defect. "Oh, sweet heart you have always been such a nervous child, all of that bed wetting..." is just one example. I tried to steer the conversation to the points at hand, "Ah but Mrs. Guzzler*, we are talking about the time you ran over the fence post." And she would smile and nod and let the next adult child read their letter so she could publicly skewer them. It was masterful on her part. I stood in awe. my sense of professionalism went straight out the window and after the last poor kid confronted her, I bid them all adieu and slunk away. Not exactly the recipe for success. Yet...

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Aldous Huxley

I don't give them hell, I just tell them the truth and they think it's hell.
Harry S Truman

There is a good time and a good way to confront a loved one on their destructive behaviour. In fact, to not confront someone you love on behavior that is hurtful, destructive or insensitive is a failure to love them completely. I took the roots of this idea from The Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck's book written in the early '80's and applied that idea with abandon. Makes sense to warn someone if they are ignoring you or hurting you or themselves, doesn't it? Makes sense to train a dog not to jump up on people, or children to scream at each other, or adults from drinking themselves to death, doesn't it? Well back to Mrs. Guzzler, no, she did not get sober from our intervention then, but it did plant a seed and lo and behold a year later she went to treatment at the urging of one of the sons. That was more than twenty years ago and she has been happily sober ever since. I got considerably better and more polished at my confrontations. Here are some of the tid bits that I have learned and want to share with you when and if you need to confront a loved one.

The Grout Method of Loving Confrontation

1. Write out a letter first that states what you do want and believe rather than what you don't want.
2. In the first paragraph include three honest positive statements about the person and why you care about them. Example: "Dear Ma Guzzler, I have always enjoyed your sharp wit and great sense of humor, when we travel you are so generous with your time and money to all of us."
3. Then in the main body of the letter do the tell the truth and run part, make it specific. Example: "Last week you drove the car off the road, into the ditch and you could have killed someone. Two weeks ago you fell down the basement stairs and left serious bruises all over your face. I was scared for your life, these are two reason that you are a danger to yourself and others when you drink." 
4. End the letter with what you want to see happen now and in the future. Example: "I would love to see you get sober, Ma and there is an excellent treatment center that has a bed available to you. I want to see you live long enough to met your grandchildren and not cut your life short because of the booze. I want to enjoy you and not worry about you and take some trips and have more raucous laughs together."
5. When the time is right [and in the case of drug or alcohol addiction usually many people are involved]and preferably that is when everyone who is going to confront the person is educated about this method, you deliver the letters verbally, in person to them in some neutral place. If this is just between two people, like in a family squabble, do the above by yourself and either send the letter or do so in person.
6. The best results, without qualification, are when the consequences are great for the person and they care about the consequences. Example: the boss is involved and she could lose her job; everyone agrees not to have anymore drinks with that person, or will only see them when they are not drinking.
7. End the process with declarations of hope and love, and mean it.

I find that this method works really well, if not for the person being confronted, it will always works for the person doing the confronting. Everyone wants to feel as though they have done everything in their power to try to help a loved one who is going down that rabbit hole. Doing it with love and kindness is effective and usually gets good results.

Now for a personal story. Right after my father died in 1987 all of us, the six siblings hovered around my mother to give her support. She was only 65 years old and had lost the love of her life and was devastated. I arrived to stay with her with sister Sally, believing Sal was going to be with us the entire time. No, Sal need to go visit her other in laws so I was there with Mom who also was known for her sharp tongue, not fun. First she said, in a critical voice  "why are you flipping your hair?", I let that go then she said, "do you always squint when you're talking to your clients?" "Ah, yeah, I guess so..." I said. and to myself added 'one more criticism and I'm going to tell her to lay off' and went to bed. The next morning we were about to have breakfast and she said "Susan, you've been picking at your face." I said in a level voice, "Mother, I am not a 'reclamation' project. Let's have a good day together and stop the criticism." To her credit even though she didn't like it, she made no comment and we ate. That day we went to the Art Institute and had a fine time. Now, I realize not every one's relatives are that compliant, but it does pay to confront. Clears the air and eases tension. Always? I wish.

One's task is not to turn the world upside down, but to do what is necessary...with a due consideration of reality.
Dietrich Bonhoffer

We are born to love. If we get back love in this life that is dandy and splendid. But our job is to love. It is courageous to confront someone who is jeopardizing that love, it could go badly. Do it anyway, do it with love and perhaps a sense of humor. Who knows, you just might save a life, or discover that your mother can be your friend. Mine became a good friend to me and I treasured that relationship, it became closer after I stopped being a reclamation project and just a flawed human being that she used to want to make perfect.

*You might have figured out that Mrs. Guzzler is a pseudonym and compilation of several families.

magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.