On Anger

A computer once beat me at chess. But it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Emo Phillips

I'm so angry at you [to his 3 year old little sister who just knocked over his legos] that I am going to be angry until tomorrow.    My four year old grandson.

I'm so angry at the deer who wrecked my garden that I'm ready to throw in the trowel. What once was a lovely fall display now looks like I not only called in the dogs but had each dog led into the garden by a three year old stomping til their heart's content. In other posts I have mentioned that I throw my shoes at the deer, I growl at them, I bark at them. They are not intimidated. I also use a spray concoction that works swell if it is applied about every other day. The trouble is I had to be gone every weekend in September and was unable to spray. Hence the ruination of my garden.

How does one deal with anger especially when it is partly your own fault? This is something that we frequently discuss in counseling. How to recover from being furious so that you can salvage the day, the afternoon, the night, the hour, the moment.

Years ago I went to a workshop about grief, prepared to take copious notes. The presenter started off the session by asking all of us, "can you finish this sentence? I'm so angry I could just ----------------?"  People hollered out all kinds of answers, "scream", "spit", "rough somebody up", "stomp my foot', "break something."  You get the picture. The answer he was looking for was "relax". Pfffft, I thought "what the hell does he know about anger?" Then he proceeded to tell us and it blew me away.

Seems that in the 60's everyone expressing themselves with abandon and losing one's temper was encouraged. Telephone books were provided to tear apart, people were encouraged to scream at each other to unleash their pent up emotions and then there was the famous Primal Scream. Well, no one tested this to see if any of it was helpful or not, until someone did a study of young men in prison. The authorities were issuing boxing gloves to these young men and told them to pound the bag when they got angry. When they were let out of prison and they got angry, gee, they tended to pound the hell out of their nearest and dearest. Not a good idea. And so, they [mostly] ended up back in prison. I was glad to have this information though I knew from experience not to give my little boys guns or boxing gloves.

One of the best examples of recovering from a temper came to me many years ago. I worked with a man, let's call him Turk, who had made a dreadful mistake in a fit of peak. He destroyed some of his ex-wife's new husband's property. Turk fully admitted it, got arrested and had to make restitution to the ex and her new partner. He was quite remorseful especially because she forbid him to see the children without supervision until the court was satisfied with the settlement. Turk was devastated at the limitations set forth about seeing the kids and figured that his best shot at regaining his rights to see them was through counseling. He called me. Since I had helped found the domestic violence program in our town I was not terribly sympathetic about his plight.

Let me explain, most of the men that I had dealt with for a charge of assault were not generally remorseful. They tended to justify their behavior, rationalize their actions and even minimize or deny that anything upsetting had happened. This kind of denial keeps these men in a state of adolescence and they seem unwilling to break free. This was not true of Turk and it became apparent that he needed and wanted some new methods to cool his temper. No denial there. We started sifting through his upbringing [grim] to find clues to his rage and then decided to use his belief system [very religious] to aid in him becoming more philosophical than angry about his circumstances. Turk was very lonely and missed his children terribly. Because of his connection to the church, we started there to help him reconnect with the human race. Turk responded positively and was soon volunteering with some of the elderly who needed assistance. Next he wrote a formal apology not only to his ex but also to her new partner. This was difficult but a necessary step in his recovery from rage. Then we practiced meditation, breathing exercises and he opted for prayer instead of yoga. With his job he got plenty of exercise so I didn't have to insist on that. He needed to trust himself again and to gage his own reactions to what could be dicey situations in the future.  Obviously, he need to release his anger in a more mature fashion, and address any problems with his head after he had assessed his heart/feelings.

 Here is a short list of what works best for most to dissipate anger.

1. Be in touch with your body. Remember to check yourself: is my heart beating faster, my pulse racing along with my mind? How exactly am I feeling?
2. Make a game of  your emotions: see how quickly you can go from 10- furious, enraged to 1- calm and peaceful. One minute? Ten minutes? Half a day? The shorter the better. Set a goal, "it took me ten minutes to calm down, next time I'm going for 5..."
3. Breathe, deepen each exhale and let it be a couple of seconds longer than the inhale.
4. Talk to someone you trust about the feeling you are experiencing. Do you need to take an action? Do so after your talk and perhaps after you have calmed down a bit.
5. Do count to 10 and if that is not enough make that twenty five before you make a rash response.
6. Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Think of that HALT acronym and then do the opposite, eat, breathe, talk to a friend and sleep.
7. Ask yourself, "will this matter in five years?" Try to see the future with you as a calm and peaceful participant.
8. Don't force solutions, if things are becoming too uncomfortable give yourself permission to take a break.
9. Love does conquer everything. Make sure that you are being loving and treating others they way you want to be treated.
10. If necessary [and I believe if you have really lost it, it is almost always necessary] make amends to anyone who got your blast.
11. Use the energy of anger for creativity. Anger has fueled plays, movies, books, art, and song. Go for the full Monty. Enjoy the revving engine and fire that can fuel the creativity.
12. Everyone gets angry even the saints, so embrace your humanness.

Finally into each life a little munching deer must fall. I still have my garden, chewed though it is and at least I am able to laugh long and hard at my silly attempt to imitate a canine.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.