On Hearing More and Talking Less

 As you know from previous posts I was a psychotherapist for over 30 years. This is from an old post about the art of psychotherapy and the privilege of listening, Susan Grout style.  I rewrote some of it as it feels like a very pertinent subject to readdress. I find that today more and more people have trouble listening. One of the causes is the constant interference of cell phones on our culture. People are allowing themselves to be constantly distracted. Read on.

A good listener helps the speaker clarify--and often correct--his ideas in the course of expressing them.The young become good communicators if they have parents or relatives or teachers who are good listeners.

                                       S.I. Hayakawa

Listening is a great hobby. This is a hobby I picked up living in a big boisterous family. I know in many large families everyone talks at once and in some families there even shouting matches to see who can dominate the conversation. Although it wasn't like that in our family, someone has to defer with everyone talking at once and, at certain times, that someone was me. Always? No, I can be quite the chatter box, but I like to listen. I find people fascinating. For some reason this isn't only soothing to me but when listening sometimes I come up with interesting insights that can spark new ideas and thoughts. This is very good because that's how, in my career, I made the big bucks: listening and responding with pertinent suggestions to my beloved clients.

"Come  in, welcome, sit and tell me everything, I want to hear every word." This I said to every client, at first as a joke, and then I realized I sincerely meant that.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.          Dorothy Nevill

As a practicing psychotherapist, I was making a living out of listening. This was a privilege that I enjoyed. The people who I was honored to see, came in and revealed things to me that perhaps they hadn't divulged to another human being. Many times this was just a series of current topical problems or perhaps as serious as: the death of a loved one; or torment from their childhood; or physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Sometimes it was current abuse from a lover or friend. I'd my utmost to be keenly aware of what they were saying, how they were saying it and how long they'd have held it inside. Especially with past abuse, this wasn't always a linear process. The unfolding could be circuitous or serpentine and take weeks or months in the recitation. Knowing when to interject was/is the art form. Too soon and you could shut someone down, not soon enough and you were unwittingly propping up the bad habit of their holding on, too long, to something that needed to be set free.

So you sit and it begins:
Is it a trance I'm in
when you come in
with your own dance,
the steps and the stance
marking your life?

As you talk,
Is it a meditation
as I sit still for your recitation
of all that is ill in your quadrille
and I focus on your life?

Susan R. Grout  unpublished 2011

Know something about something. Don't just present your wonderful self to the world. Constantly amass knowledge and offer it around.Richard Holbrook

I believe in giving feedback when appropriate and at the right moment. For example, I was listening to one half of a couple telling me the sad tale of the estrangement she felt from her workaholic husband. I listened and listened and finally said, "what are the children experiencing with his continual absence?" She cried and said, "I don't know I've been so focused on my own despair that I've hardly noticed if this is affecting them." What this woman is doing, besides emotionally neglecting her children, is an example of a human error called repetitive, or circular thinking. Another example, I often hear: "my husband is an alcoholic [workaholic, gambler, etc.] how can I get him to stop?" The really bad news is you can't make someone do something if they aren't willing. [Witness toilet training on an unwilling child, or encouraging someone to get sober or go to treatment who doesn't believe he/she has a problem. Two big helpings of frustration for all.] However you can coax someone to be more willing [totally exciting underpants, bribes, rewards, praise, more pleasant experiences if they do...] and there can be consequences for that person if they don't/can't or aren't willing to stop destructive behavior. One of the great teachers of this line of thinking is Al Anon. In Al Anon you learn to focus on your own behavior first, tell that person in as direct, clear and measured a manner as possible what you want from them then--- surprise, surprise--- let go. Grown adults mature quickly when the negative reactions are withdrawn, the consequences clearly laid out and are followed through. No idle threats in other words. [All bets are off for the teenagers who are addicted to drugs, some need to be thrown into counseling or treatment against their wishes and will.]

One of the great impediments to listening is when the "listener" truly isn't paying attention but merely waiting for a pause in the conversation so they can make their own brilliant points. If I am the one making the egregious offense, I usually and candidly admit it. "Sorry Charlie, I drifted a minuted ago, could you repeat that?" Or if I really need to interject a comment I usually do ask: "I need to add something, is this OK with you?" Mostly it is OK,  but sometimes they'll blurt, "let me finish." And humbled, I take their advice and let them finish. Happily for me the vast majority of people that I listen to are really interesting, easy to listen and pay attention to and it's fine to sit and nod and encourage them to continue.

The exceptions, the ones difficult to pay attention to, are the ones who are incredibly tangential. One person that I'm thinking about is a dear but while talking she'll manically go off on several tangents:  her hair cut, then to people I've never met, then to her approach on dieting--- all in the same paragraph, and sometimes in the same breath. Mostly I just steer the conversation back to her reason for being in counseling, the problem. If it is a friend or relative who is tangential, I will distract her/him to a topic we both enjoy perhaps books or movies we both love and all is well or at least more interesting.

From the client's perspective, it is a drag to figure out that their therapist is not really listening. They are paying good money for their therapy and deserve full attention. Believe me, most people I know realize when someone is not really listening. You can see it in their faces.

And if the therapist suspects that the client has drifted off, my humble perspective is it's important to say something. I usually gently acknowledge that you know that you aren't being heard. "Did you understand that last bit, Charlie?" or something like that to alert the listener that you know they aren't all there. 

'The Grout Five Minute Rule'

If you love your friends, relatives, clients sometimes we just have to accept that everyone is not built the way we are. "Tangentials" of the world unite! Go and talk to each other, endlessly. Most of us are not tangential and seemingly this could drive one mad. However I have a handy formula for this slight character flaw, and it is ta-da: "The Grout Five Minute Rule". Simply employed and executed, you tell the chatty and rambling or repetitive individual go ahead and stick to their topic, or topics and you agree not interrupt for 5 minutes. The talker, who always loves a tangent, has to agree to this as well as the listener. Then the blitzkrieg begins. I must confess that this works brilliantly and I must also confess that some times I cheat and say "time's up after only 3 1/2 minutes" or I know I will start screaming. Not a good thing in a friend or psychotherapist. However, it does put the 'psycho' in psychotherapist.

One of the things that is taught in psychology classes is reflective listening made famous by Carl Rogers who swiped his ideas from good parents everywhere. This is reflective listening, repeating back what someone just said to encourage them to continue. This is most natural to respond in this manner when a baby coos. I did this when my granddaughter, at only seven months old said, "Nana" as she looked right at me.  Elated, I repeated the phrase to make sure she directing this at me and naming me. "Nana" she said again as I was changing her diaper. Not a more heartwarming naming in all the world. I listened with my whole body and glowed with delight as that baby articulated that name, my new name to herself and me.

I am truly blessed because my life's work has been to study, listen and then help people who come to me. There is constantly so much to learn and the field of psychology is not only fascinating but also exciting in its discoveries of what works best for most people. I am constant learning, so are the people in my field and so too are my clients and we all share in that wealth of knowledge. It all starts with intently listening to their stories.

Most of us long for this: to be really heard and some of us never get that. It was/is indeed my privilege and my pleasure to listen and let the music of other's lives fill my head, my heart and my room.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2018 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.