Potential Heroes!

Our children are the most important product

The only true happiness comes from squandering ourselves for a [good] purpose.                                                 John Mason Brown

I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me to tremble for the safety of my country...corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow.                                                           Abraham Lincoln

It came to me all of a sudden, a worthwhile suggestion and I am confident would be successful and do wonders for the working people of this country. In addition to a stimulus package there could be addition billions available.

Here are the salaries of the top CEOs in this country per year!

1. Elton Musk. $513. M
2. Brendan Kennedy $250 M
3. [Jeff Bezos only takes a salary of 82 K but is worth 200 billion]

don't be like the above

• #3. Bob Iger. $146.6M.
• #4. Tim Cook. $141.7M.
• #5. Nikesh Arora. $130.7M.
• #6. David Zaslav. $122.1M.
• #7. James Heppelmann. $71.5M.
• #8. Stephen Schwarzman. $69.1M.
• #9. Tony James. $66.2M.
• #10. Stephen Angel. $66.2M.
• 
  

•  Company: AMC Networks (AMCX) • Annual compensation: $29.6 million. ...
• • Company: Expedia Group (EXPE) ...
• • Company: Mattel (MAT) ...
• • Company: Allergan (AGN) ...
• • Company: Weight Watchers International (WTW) ...
• • Company: Wynn Resorts (WYNN) ...
• • Company: United Therapeutics (UTHR) ...
• • Company: Walt Disney (DIS)
•  Company: AMC Networks (AMCX) • Annual compensation: $29.6 million. ...
• • Company: Expedia Group (EXPE) ...
• • Company: Mattel (MAT) ...
• • Company: Allergan (AGN) ...
• • Company: Weight Watchers International (WTW) ...
• • Company: Wynn Resorts (WYNN) ...
• • Company: United Therapeutics (UTHR) ...
• • Company: Walt Disney (DIS)

The above salaries add up to way over a billion dollars especially if you include the first twenty of the top salaries of CEO's. Why not go for broke [ha ha] and include the top fifty CEOs? I'm willing to bet that figure is closer to a trillion dollars. And remember this is just a partial list of the men and what they "earned" for themselves for a year. Let's look realistically at these amounts. Who in their right mind thinks that the "work" that these CEOs do justifies the vast fortunes allotted them?

Let's turn our attention instead to the work of all of our health care workers, the truckers, the grocery employees, the poor unemployed, the laid off laborers, all the teachers, etc. do for their salaries. How many of these good people are having an easy time of life right now. I read that many of these good people have not been able to keep up with their mortgages car payments. Repossession and bankruptcies for these good, hard working people. Not me, but a friend did the math and used Bezos wealth alone and figured out he could donate $20 K to all the families with incomes under $150 K per  year right now without hurting his vast fortune. That's just one person in the illustrious group above.. Instead his workers had to march for a $2 raise. This is the height of nuttiness. Imagine if all of the above men contributed to financing the financial health of the American worker instead of squandering their fortunes. Imagine the thriving economy of people being paid a fair wage. Imagine the thriving start up American businesses. Imagine. No child caged or hungry. Housing problems solved for the homeless. Imagine. 

We can love these very fortunate men and still be amazed that this ridiculous inequity goes on in this country and in many other countries and no one even complains. Well, some do... Let me say there is a method to my madness in suggesting these men could contribute to the good of the country. Let's see. Fifty salaries of a trillion dollars go proportionally to the populations of the fifty states. each year. Honestly, it could make literally a world of difference. A life saving solution that is simple and I, Susan R. Grout am challenging all of those in the lucky top fifty CEO salaries to be a hero. A prize of my choosing will be awarded to the top five winners.

the super moon graces the morning

Bill and Melinda Gates can be used as an example. Their philanthropy is legendary and have made their wealth a mission to literally help the world's people. Hint, hint.  Makes sense doesn't it? Especially now?

Thanks for reading. Join me in these suggestions. Why not?
Feel free to share this post or any other, just acknowledge me as the author.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2020 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

A Fantasy about the Covid 19 Virus

To live without hope is to cease to live.                                      Fyodor Dostoevsky 

Happiness is not the absence of conflict, but the flexibility and determination to cope with unpleasant circumstances.                                                      Susan R. Grout

So, here we all are, not traveling, not going to a show, not congregating in big churches, not marching in parades, not attending restaurants, not passing the time in crowded buses or trains, keeping a  six foot social distance from our fellow citizens. We are [if we have the good fortune] at home facing weeks of self imposed quarantine. I'm hoping for the best, that there is a quick cessation to the Covid19 virus. Dream on you say! O.K. I will.


Here are the secret fantasies/dreams that I have about the outcomes of Covid19:

1. because billions of people are not flying and not driving their cars during this quarantine, our poor Earth will literally get a breather,
2. because the Earth is getting a breather people can see the vast array of stars in the sky at night,
3. because the Earth will get a breather the pollution will be lessened and several million people who have lung sensitivities to pollution will breather freer,
4. because several million people will breathe more easily, their will health improve, they will be able to help the people and children in great need,
5. because people have cared and helped, the people in greater need will prosper and be enriched,
6. because the people are prospering and are in less need themselves, they will reach out to those less fortunate than themselves,
7. because there is less pollution we will all see and hear more birds singing and see the animals thriving,
8. because people are spending more time attempting to thrive at home they are rediscovering cooking and cleaning and love making, 
9. because people are rediscovering love making there will be an unprecedented number of babies being born in 2021, 
10. because of the huge number of babies families start to take seriously the climate change crisis for their newborns sake and ramp up the need to support others less fortunate than themselves,
11. because new babies are welcomed into families the millionaires and the billionaires of the world finally step up to help those less fortunate than themselves. 
12. because those less fortunate includes the homeless and the immigrants, they will reach out to their leaders to apply resources to this group and demand all silly wastefulness stop,
13. because silly wastefulness is underscored by a wall that is tearing apart habitat for animals, destroying the Native American burial sites, costing in the billions of dollars and tearing up historic sites they will demand stoppage,
14. because the leaders have been positively affected by this reasonable request they will stop the wasteful, destructive wall,
15. because the wall is stopped the billions of dollars will go to helping all people, including those who are fleeing dangerous countries,
16. because the people will finally realize that this administration is prejudice against immigrants,
17. because there is compassion for the immigrants people realize that all the old, homeless and vulnerable people are in danger of the Covid19 virus and the Trump administration is responsible,
18. because the people know that the current GOP Administration almost destroyed the CDC, disbanded the Pandemic governmental agency and left the U.S. totally unprepared for this Pandemic they will be voted out, 
19. because the elected Republican leaders will pout and whine and try to blame us, we will laugh in their faces and tell them the time is for caring and compassion, 'out you go', 
20. because it is time for compassion, people will use their time to reconnect in positive ways, 
21. because people are connecting in positive ways, sharing goodwill is admired again and hatred is a thing of the past, 
22. because the people have woken to good will for all, they will want the best for all people and vote for science and intelligent programs, 
23. because intelligence and science are embraced, our children, grandchildren and our country flourishes, 
24. because we are flourishing there is a Renaissance and an appreciation of all the arts, America becomes ground zero for hope and beauty.

Amen.

susansmagicfeather 2020 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Trickle Down Stupidity, It's Working!

Back in the era of the Ronald Reagan administration most people in the US bought the scam of the "Trickle Down Economics".  Look it up, it made the richest people richer and did virtually nothing for the vast majority of the country. It failed miserably and left the middle class behind, the workers got little value, the poorer citizens poorer and the CEOs enormously richer.

As most of you know, there has been a decidedly anti-science, anti-intellectual leaning coming from the highest office in the country since 2017. As repulsive as that statement is I never realized just how dangerous being anti-science could be. Then the pandemic hit this country with a POW!

The above is the man, Mr. Anti-Science himself, who refuses to take responsibility:

for disbanding the pandemic office,
for delaying the response to the virus,
for refusing help from the World Health Organization with test kits and masks,
for repeatedly referring to he virus as a hoax perpetuated by the Democrats,
for de-funding, by $30 million dollars, our Center for Disease control,
for continuing to fund his [stupid] wall,
for giving a tax break, to the wealthiest individuals in this country [more incredible stupidity]
for whining we don't have enough money to do what is necessary to help this crisis.

Whew. Now his Republican toadies are trying to defend his actions and more unbelievable 45% of the American public thinks this man is doing a good job. Let that sink in. You see don't you, his Trickle Down Stupidity works! Deprive people of money, mock people who are intelligent [eg. Obama], put a toadie to disrupt our educational system, put unqualified people in the highest offices, tell people to distrust the newspapers, then lie to them constantly and voila! You get elected.

This is an administration that has contributed to fouling: our air, our waters, our environment. The are actively trying to sell off our National Parks and would be successful if it weren't for a handful of lawyers suiting the pants off these awful people with their egregious attempts. Thank goodness the lawsuits have overwhelmingly been successful.  With enormous effort the good guys are winning in court. Also, the GOP administration is stacking the courts with judges who specifically want to destroy women's rights to privacy with their doctors, rape the environment, stop the separation of church and state, etc. We, the U.S., as a respectable country made promises and treaties with the world. Now, due to the withdrawal of treaties and promises [plus all the lies and deceits] we are  undermining our once good standing in the world as being trustworthy. This is serious.

Today, through the extreme bungling of the Covid19 pandemic, Mr. anti-science, and his professional toadies have put our lives and the lives of our loved ones in danger. Even though the administration knew about the epidemic in China [and the extreme measures they had to take to quarantine the out break], our GOP administration failed us again and again with denial and delays.  The Republicans are the people, who despite T's repeated lies and self aggrandizing, supported the President in all his foolishness. [see above political cartoon] Charles Blow said, "his lies held no sway with a virus."  This is costing us the lives--- of  American citizens,  beloved people we know and care about.

Does your President care about you? I shouldn't have to even point this out, but this not about you--- it is all about power and money. When the stock market started falling precipitously, oh dear!, our president's bank account threatened! When all who are actively in the stock market reacted, then he acted. Appropriately? No. Granted in a news conference, he mouthed the words to the effect: we should all work together, this is not a political issue it affects us all.  That sentiment evaporated moments later when tweeted that it wasn't his fault, and the Obama administration had not done a good job with the swine flu [untrue]. So much for this not being a political issue. Makes me sick.

I want to put an end to the 'Trickle Down Stupidity' campaign. I urge all of those who are still believing every word mouthed by the Fox "News" [toadies] to question the TV show's stance. I encourage all of the ones you know that think this president has made America even a smidgen better to look at what is actually happening. Supposedly everyone agrees that we want a better future for our children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. Unless we stop the slide into stupidity it cannot be a rosy one. Keep American thinking and reading again. Talk with kindness and compassion to those who want better but are being lied to on a daily basis.

susansmagicfeather 2020 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

A Small Town Therapists Tips on Curiosity and Generosity

some things return from childhood

If one advances confidently in the direction of one's dreams, and endeavors to live the life which you've imagined, you will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.                                                                   Henry David Thoreau

There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm.     Willa Cather

I am myself plus my circumstances. Jose Orgeta 

I'm a great believer in changing your thoughts to empower you through  a new pathway for success. I'm also a great believer that people need a helping hand when they are down or grieving.

In my life, and in the lives of all of the clients I worked with over the years, I had to include knowledge of who the person was, [I am myself] what was currently going on with them and most importantly what had happened to them in their past [my circumstances]. Sometimes it is because of past experiences that a person finds they can't push forward into a brighter future. I'm thinking of: the rape and incest survivors; those raised with abuse; the ones who had inferior, or even the lack of educations; the ones who suffered parental negligent; the ones who, sadly, experienced parental death when little; the children who ended up in foster homes or worse, homeless. These are the ones who need the most attention to recover from their traumatic pasts. Then my thoughts turn to the exceptions. How about the likes of Oprah Winfrey? She had all of the above problems as a child to contend with yet Oprah is indeed a rarity. She is clearly brilliant, wildly successful and uncommonly generous with her success. This is why black and white thinking is silly, there are always exceptions,  shades of color in all predictions of a person's future. However the odds of escaping those very difficult circumstances can be so daunting to scale--- it's as if the person is attempting to climb Mt. Everest with no training or equipment.

music and joy helps all

We can't take any credit for our talents. It's how we use them that counts.                                                                   Madeleine L'Engle

A better question is: how do we lose, redo, overrideand recover from the past traumas to enable us to be the best person we could possibly be?  In my experience we throw out the old idea [prevalent in the minds of some in the field of psychology] that all clients must be treated with the exact same formula. More crucial, I determined in my working with clients, was to know what would be the best fit, the best treatment for the client sitting before me. Interestingly, that was the best and most exciting part of my job. Perhaps that is one reason I, and so many other people, love a good mystery novel. Can we figure out what are the red herrings and what are the valid clues and then solve the mystery? This is what drives a good therapist to help a person build on their strengths and whittle down their weaknesses. Another component in psychotherapy must be respect and love which is rarely talked about in my field but is essential in therapy.

I read an article years ago that stated the real work in psychotherapy was being done by the therapists on the front lines. Those working with the people whose circumstances, like the ones listed above, dragged them down each day. Yet those workers on the front lines get relatively terrible pay for the work that they do. Then think about one of the most important jobs in this country: teaching. Do we pay these hard working teachers commiserate with some of the extreme situations with families and children in crisis each day? You know we don't.

What happened to this country that we have put children, including babies in cages and separated families literally guaranteeing trauma starting from an early age. We used to give a helping hand to all the immigrants, actually welcomed them. Now this administration gave tax breaks to the very richest [and to the large corporations which is welfare]. We, in the past, embarked on projects that put people back to work like the WPA projects of the 1930's. Goodness knows there are plenty of projects that could be embarked upon like shoring up our infrastructure through out the U.S. With the coronavirus we are going to really amp up helping the poor and unemployed in the nation.

sometimes we need a helping hand

In regard to the quote above from Thoreau, please keep in mind his circumstances. He was able to go deep into the woods and live at Walden pond with the help of his family, especially his mother and sister. They did his laundry and brought him home cooked meals, not exactly camping.

An unkind thought out there is "if you want a thing bad enough you must believe deeply and it will happen". This is the thinking that blames those with cancer for their illness and shames those in poverty.  This thinking is especially cruel to children living in difficult circumstances.  How about the impoverished woman who has several children and has been left to fend for herself? She can believe all she wants to in riches and job satisfaction and yet who is there to give her a helping hand and a proper boost her out of poverty?  Sometimes no one. That is one of the roles of a good government to aid those with tough circumstances. Aren't we supposed to love our neighbors as ourselves?

Please remember that our country has been loving and generous to those around the world in need. Do we have to descend to becoming suddenly selfish and churlish? The top CEOs of this country could afford to send each unemployed worker money to tide them over from the business closures. Yet this is a radical thought. Why? 

Join me in helping people improve their chances for success, be loving and giving. The reward is today in being generous. In our generosity every child we help out of poverty is a citizen who will one day help the economy We can do this. This is what America is all about.

susanmagicfeather copyright 2020 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

The Life of the Party

Here's more on grieving and the many different facets therein.


When the Life of the Party Dies

Everyone's looking around in perplexity
wondering: how do we get moving?
Drawing out the long days and longer nights,
staring at each other mystified.

Wrapping up the corpse in swaths of colorful cloth
or booze seems the obvious choice.
Yet some of us couldn't stomach it.

Brawls, envy,  tirades and tears erupt
spilling over everything ruining the food.

Some escape to parts other worldly,
others leave the room in a cloud of sorrow,
a few stay silent and tearfully await the next blow.

A couple watching on the sidelines
picks up the dignity, embraces the memories,
effortlessly waltzing to a dulcet melody.

2019 in Pictures, a Merry and Happy to All

September hikes

Happy New Year to all, may peace and blessings be yours.

Gorgeous fall in October at the Seattle Arboretum

Thanksgiving our house 2019

December with Silas and Lulu who outgrew their Nana

Zach and Anne's family at the Bellevue botanical December

RIP Kathleen 4/28/19 

Thanksjuning at Bob and Senja's in LA   June 2019

After Christmas in Victoria with Lauren and James, 2019

came home to a February storm

Kauai in Jan. 2019

hike with good friends March

Josh's family in March

Zach and Anne's kids in March

June, at the Memorial for Kathleen a small part of the family

Lulu's Step Up in June

Proposing an Idea [psss, it's 100+ years old]

Our bike group enjoying coffee in May

The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn.                             Ralph Waldo Emerson

Snowflakes are one of natures' most fragile things, but just look what they can do when they stick together.                                                         Vesta M. Kelly

"You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm."
Collette

With some gal pals

Biking has been part of my life since I was five years old. Always a dare devil child I rode early and to my Mother's consternation I rode with daring. To her horror she watched as I rode down our small hill one foot balanced on the seat, hands holding on to the handle bars, while I did an arabesque---leg extended behind me. Pay back time came when I raised two sons like myself, Josh  at 2 years old rode his trike down a flight of stairs and then at seven rode his bike off a deck. Zach at eleven was performing tricks and feats down a rocky slope, crashed and then though scraped and bleeding rode himself to the medical center. I shake my head now when I think about our adventures and thank God that we all had the good fortune to survive and never even lose consciousness.

The exhilaration and the freedom I felt when I learned to ride at five continues to this day, and is without parallel. What a clever device a bicycle is: a self propelled unit that can take you almost anywhere you want to go. A woman I know rode mostly around the world on her bike. Amazing. Then the additional benefits: no gas guzzling; no emissions; splendid exercise; and additionally an excellent chance to think with no machines interrupting you. I realize this is not for everyone, but I pity those who cannot join in the fun of bicycling.

Biking gave me my first taste of independence, and I have never looked back. In the 50's in Evanston, 'under parenting' ruled the day and I was one of six kids so we were mostly left to our own devises during the day. We went everywhere on bikes, to school, to the beaches, the stores. I am grateful for those days of 'no helmet' abandon. Then biking saved my bacon in graduate school. I used those wheels as a metaphor for life, cranking away at my studies. I did some of my best thinking while pedaling furiously. Tension, worry, and the aggravation of being an "at a distant student" [when that was a new concept], fell away as I tore down the roads of our town. It centered me, focused my thoughts.

However, this was not always the case. Once time after grad school I was preparing for a talk that I was giving in Victoria, B.C. As usual I hopped on my bike to go over all the important points in my head. Well, I started fooling around, not paying close enough attention to the road and I wasn't wearing a helmet. Next thing I knew, my wheel went into the soft gravel and when I fell I smacked my chin on the pavement.  Naturally, my chin split open and like Zachary before me, despite the gushing blood, I rode myself to the medical center. No stitches, they glued me, but the lesson was learned. I looked a sight and to my embarrassment I confessed that story to 250 people at the conference. Paying attention while biking is as important as the attention needed for driving a car.

Today I am more safety oriented and much more attentive. I always wear a helmet, I dress to be noticed. When my sainted mother voiced her concern at my safety I reassured her, "Mother, I look like a carnival when I ride." Not only the bright clothes, I have a bell, a mirror, padded pants [that really do feel like wearing diapers], padded gloves, a light on the back and I carry a spare tire. But the best news is I haven't done a biking arabesque in years. Mother would be so relieved.

Recently I went to the Strike for the Climate [and the earth] to be supportive of the kids all across America. These very intelligent young adults and children are justifiably appalled that we adults have done relatively nothing to stop  Climate Change that they will have to live with.  For this occasion I rode my bike to the Strike. I rode along side the many high school kids who participated in the march.
I was surprised and then amused when a friends came up to me and said, "Susan, why aren't you marching?"  I looked at her, smiled saying, 'it's because this is a protest, strike about climate change!  One of the ways that I support this effort to raise awareness is to ride my bike.' I thought everyone knew that we need to be doing our little parts to end our addiction to fossil fuels.  Let me recommend the excellence of riding a bike if you can here in this little snippet I wrote about biking in a lovely May morning years ago. 

On my bike in May
 Sunbathing cats languidly glance up, birds fly away as I hop on my bike and pedal past barking dogs, past cavorting lambs, past lush fields of daffodils. I shamelessly tease a clump of cows with a startling aria, laughing when two raise their liquid eyes my way. These sturdy wheels and legs carry me to work.

I wonder why the road is not clogged with bicyclists. I remember when in Holland, we saw well dressed business people biking to their jobs: women in high heels, men in suits.

In pictures from a traveling friend I see that in Africa they carry truck tires, entire families on their bikes.
I just enjoy the ride thinking as I pedal about this circle of life.  

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.
                                                                        

On Why I Was an Eclectic Psychotherapist

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage is also needed to do what is right.                                                                                   Arthur Dobrin

Kind words are the music of the world.
Frederick Faber

A very young, very dear friend of mine became pregnant by an indifferent man many years older than her. I was young too but sincerely wanted to help in anyway I could. This was the era prior to abortion being legal and there were few resources for young women except family and friends to help in this emotional crisis. Fortunately her parents were supportive to a point, they didn't want her to come back home but they did provide a rental place for her and gave her money to talk to a Psychiatrist. I dropped her off for her appointment and said, "I'll be back in an hour and a half, take care." She exited the car and walked in all by her little self. When I arrived back she was waiting on the curb for me.

"I'm never doing that again!" she said. "What happened," I asked fearing the worst. "I poured out my whole story to this man who wouldn't even look at me---worse, he hardly said a word."

And that, ladies and gents, is why I decided to not be the detached, disinterested, dispassionate therapist. His method of silence was profoundly wrong and not helpful to my friend. His inaction reminds me of the saying by Oscar Wilde, "whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest of motives." I feel sure that the Psychiatrist believed that his silent and unobservant witnessing [after all it was the accepted technique] was sufficient for this young woman and he was so mistaken.

I'm getting fed up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies. From now on I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield

Something that has always bothered me about the field of Psychology is the tendency of therapists to be evangelical about their technique that they "discovered". They swiftly publish and patent a method which, when you apply common sense and a bit of heart, is not drastically different from: good parenting; dog training; taking care of yourself; and respecting and loving others. Of course, the bottom line is profit, 'buy my recognizable brand'! I realize that's a rather crass assumption but no one will admit that good counseling has a lot of good old fashioned common sense plus a warm regard for the person sitting in front of you. It is noted in the psychologists' book on their method, that you must learn their correct, exact method and never stray from it in order to achieve success with your clients. What utter hogwash! And that is an insult to the pig.

If you are loving and diligent, you can do whatever you want.
St. Augustine

Most of us in the front line of therapy, the ones actually seeing the people with the problems, use our whole selves almost artistically in each counseling session. We use what works and what is useful, and many, many different techniques and methods. Study after study shows that it is not the technique that is most instrumental in people's success in therapy, but a warm, safe relationship with the therapist. I found this to be true early on in my career.

I started in the counseling business as a teen when I went to work with the developmentally disabled at a fairly enlightened 'sheltered workshop' back in the late 60's. They used the "reward" system with the "kids" [most of them were older than me] and I followed their system. I found my most significant rewards came from the mutual delight that the kids and I took in each other. Did the system work? To a degree, it did reduce some bad behavior. However, the joy in the kids and good behavior was most evident when they were allowed to do what they did best--play and do their jobs on the farm. So, loving these kids while learning the ropes of therapy, definitely influenced my work. What stayed with me was the delight and the insights I gained from working with these darling people.

In college I worked in a Children's Hospital as a 'Play Therapist'. That was there I learned a very hard lesson.  These children, some of them, were not going to get well and grow up. For quite awhile, I held myself back from "over attaching" and tried to keep an emotional distance from some of the sicker ones. Then, one ordinary day, a nurse convinced me to be with Arthur as often as I could. She said "no one in his family comes to visit this little two year old Buddha". He was suffering from a severe kidney disease, all swollen and indeed, did resembled a Buddha. And sweet, oh, the word was invented for him. Arthur. I not only let down my guard, but opened my heart and grew to love him so fiercely, ignoring the obvious consequences of his devastating illness. Each day he would greet me as I walked into his room with his little hand wave, his crossed chocolate eyes registering delight. He couldn't talk, just grunt, so we just held hands while I showed him toys, read to him and loved his curly head. This went on for months. Then I had to leave him for my wedding.

When I returned after my honeymoon, I walked into his room full of anticipation---- he wasn't there. I asked my favorite nurse, "where is Arthur?" and she said in a rather matter of fact tone, "oh, didn't anyone tell you? He died last week." I burst into tears, ran down many flights of stairs and never went back to that hospital again. Guess that was my version of a formal resignation at 21 years of age. It still makes me cry when I think about him, yet I also smile that I got to love such a beautiful little person. I'm ever grateful that he is with me in my heart.

"When you're down and troubled and you need some loving care,
and nothing, nothing is going right..."
Carole King

The people who come to sit before me as clients need my storehouse of knowledge and vast array of therapeutic techniques but also want and deserve to be honored. It's my job to help them feel safe and comfortable. It has been my privilege through the many years to see hundreds of people and yes, I grow to love them. One of the best pieces of advice I got on this rather mind boggling subject of respectfully loving my clients, was from my years in Al Anon.  It's called "loving detachment".

Entire fat books have been written on this subject of being able to detach, making it sound so complicated. Really, it is difficult but not terribly complex. When I was in Graduate school, I read about a workshop based on the book The Differentiation of One's Self in One's Own Family of Origin. Sounds so complicated and intellectual!  I decided, "I guess don't know anything about that and it sounds so important." Well, I went to the workshop and the author talked on and on, some of which was helpful about family of origin issues. Then it came to describing the meat of the workshop and he rattled on an on about the difficulties and dilemmas a family member faces in growing up and moving on with their life. How on earth could they be part of the family yet a separate individual. He stressed how complex this really is. Curiosity took over and I raised my hand and asked, "isn't this the exact same concept as learning 'loving detachment' that they encourage in the Al Anon program?" At that,  the workshop leader exploded!  He said disparaging remarks about Al Anon, how "they had no sense of humor." and basically berated my question as foolish.  Why the overreaction?  Really, he  never did answer that question,  he just dished out the insult.  Of course, I am putting myself in an excellent light to explain this point. Also, this is not an unusual experience for women in general. Yet the truth is the entire book could have been neatly summarized in a pamphlet. In my view this workshop was a needless complication of a important interaction we all need to learn but they threw in obfuscation and a fancy title.

Loving detachment, in case you're interested is the ability to hold yourself steady, stay loving and open, and acknowledge your beliefs, even if they are very different from your family of origin. In fact it's a mature attitude requiring practice, practice, practice. In counseling the same holds true. In my chair, I listen respectfully, sometimes even tearfully, to the dreadful things that happen to people, yet all the while telling myself to honor what is brought to me. I never have to grab it and run, or take it home with me. This is easier written than done sometimes.  I frequently make suggestions or comments.  I'm not a passive therapist as I explained above, all the while I realize these are not my problems, issues or traumas. If I kidnapped their traumas and tribulations that would be dishonorable to them and their recovery. To aid in letting go, I am fond of telling clients that "we're going to put those bad thoughts, feelings and ideas right into the Puget Sound, you can release them and breathe." And funny thing, that is just what I do too.

"close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
to brighten up even the darkest night."
C.K.

Hopefully, each person that I see is going to go home with a many very useful tools that will work for them when needed. One tool that springs to mind is about how to deal with worrying. I swiped this idea from an excellent source, I believe it was Jennifer James, and now it is unrecognizable as hers and is mine. This is an good way to make some sense out of rumination and turn it into a creative process.

TOP TEN FAVORITE WORRIES LIST

1. Get a pad of paper, or a journal or a sketch book and pen and write down 5 to 10 items that you regularly worry about [money, aging, kids, health, friends,etc...]
2. Make sure that you include everything that might keep you awake at night.
3. For no less than 15 minutes, no more that 20 minutes, ruminate on these items.
4. While you are worrying, write down any insights, ideas, jokes, songs, doodles that come to you in the allotted time that you are worrying.
5. Fold up the paper,  put away the journal, the sketch pad, etc. in a drawer or anywhere safe and out of sight.
6. If one of the items should creep into your consciousness during the day say to yourself, "Oh, I already did that!"
7. If it is a nagging and persistent thought, write it down and let it go, saying, "I'll tackle this tomorrow.
8. Breathe and be proud of yourself.  
9. Be aware and amused at yourself and your world and share with others.

What we all desire in life is to be loving and peaceful, delighted and fulfilled. So in my work we do repair, reparation and healing. Counseling is just one way, there are many paths to the Buddha. I got the privilege of meeting a live Buddha named Arthur and I am grateful I took the risk of loving despite the consequences.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

Duct tape and no regrets at all

What holds us together?  How do we avoid guilt and regrets?

I've been thinking about how to avoid regrets. I like the Al Anon/AA saying "when wrong promptly admit it," and once I learned this valuable piece of advice it resolved many of my own problems that I caused in my life. It also worked wonders in counseling my clients. However, coaxing the client to see their errors required a particularly subtle tango. First to know how far you can go with the bald-faced truth, which requires that you get to know and understand your client.  This avoids defensiveness rearing it's ugly head. Then with kindness and a generous sense of humor you might parrot back to them what they did to be offensive. We're looking for the dawn of awareness here folks. It's always better if the client volunteers, "well, I wish I hadn't spoken out of turn, been so critical, ignored my spouse, etc."  In my work with children that subtlety wasn't so important and the obvious, "how would that make you feel if this was said/done to you?" I usually cut to the chase. They would answer rather hang doggedly, "not very good". Empathy for others is the duct tape of humanitarianism.

Kathleen 2017

When someone you love dies unexpectedly sometimes this brings up many regrets. This happened to me when my sister Kathleen died in April, 2019. I went through days of regrets and feeling guilty that I hadn't done more for her. As I mentioned in another post it took talking to my sister Sally and me finding some old supportive emails to Kathleen I'd  written and forgotten about that helped assuage the regret and guilt.  Sudden death of a loved one has occurred several times in my life and seemingly the older all of us get, the more it's going to happen. No one gets out of this world alive, that's the sad truth. Interestingly, my father died also of a heart attack also at age 67 and they shared a birthday. Fate or coincidence, they also ignored the advice of many of us to attend to their health. Go for a checkup people! Vigilance is the duct tape of health.

Living life with Edith Piaf's 'non, je ne regrette rien', [no, I do not regret anything] requires diligence. It takes a firm commitment to the golden rule, kindness, admitting your mistakes in a timely fashion and being willing to make amends when you have wounded someone. Mistakes just solidifies our enrollment in the human race. Humility is the duct tape of gratitude.

Many of the clients in my practice came because they wished to do the right thing and avoid worry about a friend or loved one. They expressed fear that they would regret deeply if anything untoward happened to the one they cared about because they were unwilling or didn't know how to intervene. One of the people was "Tara"* who was consumed with worry about her son who lived in a city and was practically homeless because of his drug and alcohol addiction. To a person everyone, her friends and family told her to let him fail, "tough love" they righteously cried. Tara told me that in his case she felt that he would die without her help. "What is it you want to do for him?"  "I want to bring him here and have him live with me to heal."  This was contraindicated by my training at the time and yet, and yet. Tara described her son to me as full of humor and life and they had always had a great relationship. I told her to make some stipulations to their living together and I secretly realized that as a mother I would be unwilling to let my child just drift. Tara brought him home. I'm not going to say it was all sweetness and light but he did eventually get sober and thrived in this small town. Tara listened to her head, heart and guts. Courage is the duct tape of conviction.

What holds us together? What is most important in life? It seems to me that anyone who keeps the idea and the ability to see beauty and kindness never grows old. That beauty can be in nature, children, your friends, your pets and your mate. It also helps if, that said, one diligently works to bring beauty, joy and cheerfulness into everyone's world. You can't "make" someone happy but you can try to provide it. Generosity is the duct tape of togetherness.
On that note, here's a poem I wrote years ago and fiddled with to bring it up to date.

Duct Tape

Tomato paste is the duct tape of cooking

Openness is the duct tape of learning
Belief is the duct tape of religion
Insight is the duct tape of psychotherapy

Empathy for others is the duct tape of humanitarianism.

Humility is the duct tape of gratitude.

Courage is the duct tape of conviction

Vigilance is the duct tape of health.
Fearlessness is the duct tape of skiing
Fluidity is the duct tape of ballet

Logic is the duct tape of debate
Compost is the duct tape of gardening
Surprise is the duct tape of comedy
Communication is the duct tape of peace

Generosity is the duct tape of togetherness
Harmony is the duct tape of marriage
Laughter is the duct tape of friendship

Love is the duct tape of relationship                                               
You are the duct tape of me.           Susan R. Grout  

susansmagicfeather   2023 Susan R. Grout

Mouthing the Words

Pre guitar camp we hike

Pals at the camp help us from being in the lost and found

For the last seven years each summer two of my sisters, Sally and Trisha, and I go to a guitar camp to be together and to, hopefully, increase our skills on the guitar. Some years it is a laugh fest and almost a contest in seeing how little sleep I can get and still minimally function. Other years it is an endurance contest for the poor unfortunate teachers who have me in their class. I do learn new tricks but at glacial speed.

One of the collective memories from many of our pasts is being in a classroom or in a choir and the conductor or teacher would single out some person who was singing off key. Instead of giving them special care and instruction after the class they instead publicly humiliated that person right then and there to "please just mouth the words!' I realize this happened mostly to boys whose voice was changing register but a few girls were thrown under the bus also. This had life long repercussions and so many of these, now adults, claim they can't sing, can't hold a tune in a bucket. My nearest and dearest was among those singled out, it is a sad business. Of course he can sing and adds natural harmony to our rendition of happy birthday to the grands.

I'd like to add my vote to sometime employing this, "please just mouth the words", as a similar tactic to guitar playing that can be beneficial to those around me in a class. Example follows.

This year, because I loved the teacher and I was curious, I attended the class for slide guitar knowing next to nothing except I always loved the sound of a slide guitar.

Kristina demonstrating

My sister Trisha's  partner, Pete, was also game and we eagerly went to the first session. Both of us were impressed and fascinated by Kristina's teaching method. What so appealed to all of us musicians was Kristina had us learn to sing/imitate the sounds on the slide guitar tunes prior to playing the music on the guitar: "Walking Blues", Robert Johnson  and "Sleep Walk" by the Ventures.  I use the term 'music' with the greatest of generosity for myself because what I was producing was anything but musical. Screechy, atonal and purely awful.  I decided, then and there, rather than torture my fellow musicians that I would mostly "mouth the words"/ fake playing the guitar. I employed 'air guitar' with the eventual hope I could actually, eventually, produce the correct sounds. To my concern and surprise Kristina suggested we do a 'flash mob' through the dining hall at lunch on the last day of camp. 'Oh, no! would I be busted?'

It is a fact well documented that learning something difficult, challenging and new helps the brain from losing those precious cells and can increase the brain health therein. I'm all in for brain health so  onward I pressed.  To challenge myself further I, and sisters Sally and Trisha, also attended a song writing class with no particular expectation of actually having a finished product to perform. Our affable teacher Joe was a charming man and the consummate performer. He encouraged us first by getting to know us and then to have us tackle two writing assignments. This, I know seems rather ordinary but then what happened and came out of it was rather extraordinary. Joe wrote and sang the stanza of a farewell song and suggested the class write and come up with our own stanzas. Writing furiously, we set about to do our best shot at a melodious, rhyming stanza based on his melody and meter. Joe then had us break into pods of 3 to 4 people and turned us lose for a bit more than 15 minutes to work out only one stanza from the best of our individual work. "Hummmm' I thought as I left the room with two other women, 'how is that even possible to collaborate on a stanza with two other women?' Well I was dead wrong about that, the women I worked with Sally R. and Blair had lovely words, inspirational words and we collaborated with ease. "Pick your favorite words or lines' Sally [from Seattle] suggested and off we flew.  The next day all of the pods in our writing class gathered and talked about what we wanted for our stanza. Again, what was so impressive is how Joe gently guided us to use the best and leave the rest. This was an engaging and marvelous collaboration. What we ended up with was a charming, soulful ballad, almost a lullaby, that we performed at the student concert as a group.

I'm sure you're anxious to know how I did at the flash mob, playing [and sometimes faking] the slide guitar while walking. Great! Mainly because there were over 20 of us and the music [noise] was deafening. The crowd roared their delight and surprise. Later I approached Kristina and told her how much fun the class and our mob was but added, "unfortunately, now people will assume I'm a badass" she said, "too late they already knew that". Did I mention I love her?

susansmagicfeather 2019 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Big Joys in Life

At our Mom's Memorial with cousins and sons

Happiness makes up in height for what lacks in length.              Robert Frost  

Happiness is  not a goal it is a by-product.                                Eleanor Roosevelt

Big question...what  currently brings you the most joy in your life? This question is best tackled when things are running somewhat smoothly. Write it down. When life is rough it's a very handy list to have.

I'm thinking about the many things in my life that continually bring me joy. Joyful celebrations, top the list I have to admit. Big or small, the weddings of all the adult children, [my sons and all my nephews and nieces] in our big family left me with great, delicious memories. All the while, at theses festive occasions, no one knows what the future holds for these young adults. We all fervently wish copious, rich amounts of happiness. Another thought, will their marriage last a long, rich, happy time? Will they struggle physically, emotionally, financially? Will they divorce with rancor or part amiably? Will they have bonny children? Will they be successful, have plenty of money, be able to own a home? Will they be blessed with a long life? Will their dreams come true? Will they have their health? None of this is captured at the time of the wedding except in the minds of those of us who are 20 to 30 years their senior. Let it be at the joyous occasion, celebrate heartily and enjoy the moment.

 As an aside, I'm so glad that our mother, even though she declared, "I'm never going to travel out West again," came to every single one of the weddings [10 in approximately 10 years]. We have the pictures of her celebrating with her adult children, her grandchildren and even being with her great grandchildren. Blessed. We also have pictures that proved she wore the exact same pantsuit to each of the weddings. Modesty and a certain, "who cares" affected her choices in attire.  Priorities do change over the years...

Kathleen 

And now I have to add to that long list of wonderful weddings, one who also benefited from them, my little sister Kathleen. We reveled in seeing each other more often especially at these wonderful celebrations. Sadly Kathleen died unexpectedly of a heart attack at the age of only sixty seven years. [If you are saying, "only 67?!', you must be youngish. Just look at the picture of her...]

One of the greats joys in my life, and this is a continual joy,

is being with my grandchildren. No one can tell you how outrageously great it is to have a healthy baby of your son and daughter in law placed into your arms. That is a dream come true for me and my husband.There are few ecstatic moments in life and receiving these four babies was definitely four moments of ecstasy. Getting to enjoy each one of them through the years and reveling in their distinctive personalities is, in short, the best.

Helena, Mt.

Guess

Included in my list of big joys, are the grand trips.  For our big Anniversary last year, we took a road trip to several National Parks, and to say the least, it was worth it every day.  We tend to travel toward the family, mostly to celebrate something and hence our grand trips are all in the U.S. Though many of our friends and acquaintances do the race around Europe or the globe to points exotic, we haven't been to Europe or beyond in 20 years. We do get to Canada [exotic, no, but definitely a different cultural feel] because we live so close by.  I am grateful that we have a chance to stretch our US mind set by visiting our Canadian friends. When in conversation with the Canadians, they do often ask, "what has happened to the US?"  Meaning: we used to be so kind and generous. "Politics--- and Russia interfered in the election of  2016", I say and leave it at that.

I was delighted to go to Hawaii this year with my sister Sally. This was my fifth or sixth trip to these gorgeous islands. Each day we choose to snorkel to our hearts and bodies content. And then we delight in all the fresh fruit, and the just caught fish. It's easy to travel with people you love who also relish what you love.

Another joy, that is continually richer over time is our marriage. Marrying someone I not only love deeply but also respect, trust and who makes me laugh every day has worked marvelously for me.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved