On Why I Was an Eclectic Psychotherapist

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage is also needed to do what is right.                                                                                   Arthur Dobrin

Kind words are the music of the world.
Frederick Faber

A very young, very dear friend of mine became pregnant by an indifferent man many years older than her. I was young too but sincerely wanted to help in anyway I could. This was the era prior to abortion being legal and there were few resources for young women except family and friends to help in this emotional crisis. Fortunately her parents were supportive to a point, they didn't want her to come back home but they did provide a rental place for her and gave her money to talk to a Psychiatrist. I dropped her off for her appointment and said, "I'll be back in an hour and a half, take care." She exited the car and walked in all by her little self. When I arrived back she was waiting on the curb for me.

"I'm never doing that again!" she said. "What happened," I asked fearing the worst. "I poured out my whole story to this man who wouldn't even look at me---worse, he hardly said a word."

And that, ladies and gents, is why I decided to not be the detached, disinterested, dispassionate therapist. His method of silence was profoundly wrong and not helpful to my friend. His inaction reminds me of the saying by Oscar Wilde, "whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest of motives." I feel sure that the Psychiatrist believed that his silent and unobservant witnessing [after all it was the accepted technique] was sufficient for this young woman and he was so mistaken.

I'm getting fed up with my psychiatrist. I told him I had suicidal tendencies. From now on I have to pay in advance.
Rodney Dangerfield

Something that has always bothered me about the field of Psychology is the tendency of therapists to be evangelical about their technique that they "discovered". They swiftly publish and patent a method which, when you apply common sense and a bit of heart, is not drastically different from: good parenting; dog training; taking care of yourself; and respecting and loving others. Of course, the bottom line is profit, 'buy my recognizable brand'! I realize that's a rather crass assumption but no one will admit that good counseling has a lot of good old fashioned common sense plus a warm regard for the person sitting in front of you. It is noted in the psychologists' book on their method, that you must learn their correct, exact method and never stray from it in order to achieve success with your clients. What utter hogwash! And that is an insult to the pig.

If you are loving and diligent, you can do whatever you want.
St. Augustine

Most of us in the front line of therapy, the ones actually seeing the people with the problems, use our whole selves almost artistically in each counseling session. We use what works and what is useful, and many, many different techniques and methods. Study after study shows that it is not the technique that is most instrumental in people's success in therapy, but a warm, safe relationship with the therapist. I found this to be true early on in my career.

I started in the counseling business as a teen when I went to work with the developmentally disabled at a fairly enlightened 'sheltered workshop' back in the late 60's. They used the "reward" system with the "kids" [most of them were older than me] and I followed their system. I found my most significant rewards came from the mutual delight that the kids and I took in each other. Did the system work? To a degree, it did reduce some bad behavior. However, the joy in the kids and good behavior was most evident when they were allowed to do what they did best--play and do their jobs on the farm. So, loving these kids while learning the ropes of therapy, definitely influenced my work. What stayed with me was the delight and the insights I gained from working with these darling people.

In college I worked in a Children's Hospital as a 'Play Therapist'. That was there I learned a very hard lesson.  These children, some of them, were not going to get well and grow up. For quite awhile, I held myself back from "over attaching" and tried to keep an emotional distance from some of the sicker ones. Then, one ordinary day, a nurse convinced me to be with Arthur as often as I could. She said "no one in his family comes to visit this little two year old Buddha". He was suffering from a severe kidney disease, all swollen and indeed, did resembled a Buddha. And sweet, oh, the word was invented for him. Arthur. I not only let down my guard, but opened my heart and grew to love him so fiercely, ignoring the obvious consequences of his devastating illness. Each day he would greet me as I walked into his room with his little hand wave, his crossed chocolate eyes registering delight. He couldn't talk, just grunt, so we just held hands while I showed him toys, read to him and loved his curly head. This went on for months. Then I had to leave him for my wedding.

When I returned after my honeymoon, I walked into his room full of anticipation---- he wasn't there. I asked my favorite nurse, "where is Arthur?" and she said in a rather matter of fact tone, "oh, didn't anyone tell you? He died last week." I burst into tears, ran down many flights of stairs and never went back to that hospital again. Guess that was my version of a formal resignation at 21 years of age. It still makes me cry when I think about him, yet I also smile that I got to love such a beautiful little person. I'm ever grateful that he is with me in my heart.

"When you're down and troubled and you need some loving care,
and nothing, nothing is going right..."
Carole King

The people who come to sit before me as clients need my storehouse of knowledge and vast array of therapeutic techniques but also want and deserve to be honored. It's my job to help them feel safe and comfortable. It has been my privilege through the many years to see hundreds of people and yes, I grow to love them. One of the best pieces of advice I got on this rather mind boggling subject of respectfully loving my clients, was from my years in Al Anon.  It's called "loving detachment".

Entire fat books have been written on this subject of being able to detach, making it sound so complicated. Really, it is difficult but not terribly complex. When I was in Graduate school, I read about a workshop based on the book The Differentiation of One's Self in One's Own Family of Origin. Sounds so complicated and intellectual!  I decided, "I guess don't know anything about that and it sounds so important." Well, I went to the workshop and the author talked on and on, some of which was helpful about family of origin issues. Then it came to describing the meat of the workshop and he rattled on an on about the difficulties and dilemmas a family member faces in growing up and moving on with their life. How on earth could they be part of the family yet a separate individual. He stressed how complex this really is. Curiosity took over and I raised my hand and asked, "isn't this the exact same concept as learning 'loving detachment' that they encourage in the Al Anon program?" At that,  the workshop leader exploded!  He said disparaging remarks about Al Anon, how "they had no sense of humor." and basically berated my question as foolish.  Why the overreaction?  Really, he  never did answer that question,  he just dished out the insult.  Of course, I am putting myself in an excellent light to explain this point. Also, this is not an unusual experience for women in general. Yet the truth is the entire book could have been neatly summarized in a pamphlet. In my view this workshop was a needless complication of a important interaction we all need to learn but they threw in obfuscation and a fancy title.

Loving detachment, in case you're interested is the ability to hold yourself steady, stay loving and open, and acknowledge your beliefs, even if they are very different from your family of origin. In fact it's a mature attitude requiring practice, practice, practice. In counseling the same holds true. In my chair, I listen respectfully, sometimes even tearfully, to the dreadful things that happen to people, yet all the while telling myself to honor what is brought to me. I never have to grab it and run, or take it home with me. This is easier written than done sometimes.  I frequently make suggestions or comments.  I'm not a passive therapist as I explained above, all the while I realize these are not my problems, issues or traumas. If I kidnapped their traumas and tribulations that would be dishonorable to them and their recovery. To aid in letting go, I am fond of telling clients that "we're going to put those bad thoughts, feelings and ideas right into the Puget Sound, you can release them and breathe." And funny thing, that is just what I do too.

"close your eyes and think of me and soon I will be there
to brighten up even the darkest night."
C.K.

Hopefully, each person that I see is going to go home with a many very useful tools that will work for them when needed. One tool that springs to mind is about how to deal with worrying. I swiped this idea from an excellent source, I believe it was Jennifer James, and now it is unrecognizable as hers and is mine. This is an good way to make some sense out of rumination and turn it into a creative process.

TOP TEN FAVORITE WORRIES LIST

1. Get a pad of paper, or a journal or a sketch book and pen and write down 5 to 10 items that you regularly worry about [money, aging, kids, health, friends,etc...]
2. Make sure that you include everything that might keep you awake at night.
3. For no less than 15 minutes, no more that 20 minutes, ruminate on these items.
4. While you are worrying, write down any insights, ideas, jokes, songs, doodles that come to you in the allotted time that you are worrying.
5. Fold up the paper,  put away the journal, the sketch pad, etc. in a drawer or anywhere safe and out of sight.
6. If one of the items should creep into your consciousness during the day say to yourself, "Oh, I already did that!"
7. If it is a nagging and persistent thought, write it down and let it go, saying, "I'll tackle this tomorrow.
8. Breathe and be proud of yourself.  
9. Be aware and amused at yourself and your world and share with others.

What we all desire in life is to be loving and peaceful, delighted and fulfilled. So in my work we do repair, reparation and healing. Counseling is just one way, there are many paths to the Buddha. I got the privilege of meeting a live Buddha named Arthur and I am grateful I took the risk of loving despite the consequences.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2019 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.