Sex and Women: An American Dilemma

           

 In shallow shoals, English soles do it,                                                                                Gold fish in the privacy of bowels do it,                                                                          Let's do it, let's fall in love.                     Cole Porter

Falling in love is easy, staying in love with a worthy opponent is difficult as our divorce rates prove. Some of this incompatibility is due to mates having wildly different interest in sex, affection, attention and respect.

remember the fig leaves

Let's look at some of the influences to our views of sex through the ages. Timothy Egan, who walked across Europe, points out the revelation he had on his journey:

As saturated as this walkway is with the artistic and spiritual glories of Christianity, it is also thick with evidence of a confused and conflicted view of sexuality.                                                                                 Timothy Egan   A Pilgrim to Eternity

Amazing, isn't it, that we even have to wonder about other people's sex lives. Humans are a curious sort and comparisons are odious but still there is this buzz about "am I normal"? Part of this is due to our upbringing, our religion or lack thereof, our parents, our lovers, and our view of ourselves.  I'm putting the focus on this country because this nation has some rather strange notions about sex, sexuality, ageism, body image, women and human interactions. 

It's only Premarital sex if you're going to get married.   Anonymous

I was raised Catholic and told to believe that sins could render me ruined in "thought, word and deed" if I thought about sex, requested it and then did it. Three with one blow! So like many a girl before me I had confused notions about my body and sex. It was certainly not presented to me as good, natural, comforting and down right fun. It was especially scary and dangerous for young women.

My mom as a baby

This is brought home to us right now because of the horrible restrictions approved by the Supreme Court. Sadly, many states are restricting a woman's right to privacy with her doctor, and a woman's right to choose if she is willing or not, or even able to carry a fetus to term. Of course one of the reasons for these restrictions of women's rights is that many churches became overly involved with the pressure to control women's bodies, They definitely wanted many babies--- but only from a married woman.  Back in the 50's some of our neighbors were encouraged by the Catholic Church to use the 'rhythm method'. My mother often said, "I had six beautiful children by the rhythm method".  In other words, a fairly useless method of birth control.  In our neighborhood many women gave birth to as many as 12 children. Rarely do owners let horses propagate that often. Puppy mills use this form of torture on these poor female dogs. Guess they wanted the same for these women. No concern to their mental or physical well being. This cruelty ruined many lives and basically led to poverty. However, one baby after another  means more people in the church equals more revenue. The Mormons are supremely guilty of this way to thinking if not more so: women as brood mares, cattle are better treated in the many wives, sister wives, etc.  Also, birth control was forbidden which is as nutty as it comes for a young woman or any woman. The emphasis was on destroying choice of whether or not to have a child was their mission from on high and Planned Parenthood became enemy #1. Just know this isn't about love of women and children, in fact if you think about it, quite the opposite.

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.      Matt Groening

Imagine if we reversed that statement and men could have babies and no birth control allowed, no privacy from their doctors.  Do you honestly believe there would such restrictions in place for the men? Would they put up with a baby each year? 

I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were twenty-two with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience.                            Shelley Winters

I believe there's a link from our warped perception of what we consider is OK for visuals about human bodies. Think about it, in the U.S, our movies will allow all kinds of horrific graphic violence, torture, murder, blood and gore to be widely shown to the viewing public--- and will only acquire a PG 13 rating. But, God forbid, if a breast, pubic hair, or a penis is on the screen even for seconds, then that movie automatically gets a "R" restricted rating. Don't want our children exposed to the human body.  As a parent I always said I wanted our boys restricted from the most putrid and graphic violence, however [I still think] naked bodies were fine and educational for them to view. This is apparently down right un-American. 

When a man gives his opinion, he's a man. When a woman gives her opinion, she's a bitch.                                                               Bette Davis

In the good old US of A there are places in this country that won't allow a mother birth control or to breast feed her baby in public. Think: a baby nourishing herself from her mother's breast is one of the sweetest expression of love we can see. Yet, bottle feeding in public is not restricted, therefore it has to be the bare breast.  I remember the contortions I'd go through while breast feeding: throwing the blanket over the other shoulder and hoping I could avoid the frowns of disgust from the [mostly men] who couldn't let their eyes be sullied by my lactating breast.  How does this honor women and babies? 

Here's from a song I wrote called 

Be a Lady                                                                 Susan R. Grout 2022 all rights reserved

A lady never wrinkles, a lady never farts        

A lady never has grey hair or dresses up like tarts

She’s never bawdy, never rowdy, raunchy or rough

She never swears, snorts, burps or appears tough

These results so boring, I soon was snoring

But that’s the price to pay to be a lady. 

Could someone, anyone, give me an example of rules and restrictions we currently have for men that are even somewhat equivalent to the restrictions we have for women? I'm as eager as the next person to have a bounty of $20,000 on the men who rape, impregnate women, batter women, children and babies and fail to step to their responsibilities or suffer any consequences. How about it, we even these things out. Bounties on men, starting now. Fair is fair. Oh and they might have to drive to other states to escape this, poor dears.

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout 

The Endurance Contest

 

Marriage is an endurance contest.             Robert L. Ricketts

Marriage requires commitment. So does insanity. Groucho Marx

My father Bob Ricketts was a very funny, and a very kind man. He was also an excellent husband and adored my mother from the time he first met her in his early twenties. When asked about his lovely wife and happy marriage he'd always quip,  "marriage is an endurance contest." 

Jane, our mother,  was a beautiful, talented, sophisticated young woman who, when she met him, at first was amused by Bob Ricketts, this funny man. Initially she dismissed him repeatedly with "you drink too much" or "I'm not sure I should go out with you." Ultimately he won her over with his charm, humor and dogged persistence. We, his children and all of Jane's family, were so grateful that she did relent.  Bob became a kindhearted successful businessman, and was beloved by all who knew him. He had employees that stayed with him for over 25 years that he owned the Ricketts restaurant saying he was the  best boss they ever had. 

Behind that rich sense of  humor was a man who was not just rough around the edges but someone who was recovering from a childhood fraught with neglect, grief and numerous problems. Humor can work to deflect a boatload of pain. He used it buoy up himself and all those around him.

When I met my husband I also was somewhat dismissive of him as well. I was dating up a storm in college and he was one of the many young men I went out with. But he persisted and soon I was impressed by how bright, charming and caring he was. Readers I married him.  

Here are the secrets to a long and happy marriage, simply and succinctly.

First: choose well. 

I did. We started our friendship in college at the tender age of 19. He lived down the street from me so we'd run into each other and we also enjoyed many mutual friends. Most importantly he could make me laugh and he, in turn, got my jokes. So it was always fun and stimulating to be with him and his friends who tended to challenge us intellectually. As we grew closer, I began to admire many qualities about my husband that I now know are imperative in a good mate. He was forthright, very competent, honest, funny, clever, hard working, bright, handsome and kind. These qualities help a marriage survive and then thrive.

Second: be a good pal. I tell young couples, "be the kind of pal that you would like to have". Added to the attributes of my husband I add: be attentive, interesting, spontaneous, generous and humorous. I often say to clients, "be aware and amused every day and then tell me the funny stories". This is a seemingly silly request, but sharing joy and amusement with the ones you love each day is of critical importance.

Third, be kind.  I say "remember that kindness doesn't cost a cent and it pays enormous dividends."

Fourth, tell the truth...and duck! Love, respect and trust require honesty to flourish. Nothing is as destructive to a relationship as dishonesty. Your partner may not like to hear your truth but do tell the truth anyway. This may lead to arguments and you will argue, accept that. [Since we have been married for so many, many years our arguments, even if passionate, are incredibly quick.] However realize there is an art to arguing. Please use your business skills and negotiate fairly, disagree respectfully, compromise when you know that you should. It's OK to agree to disagree and if things get too tense--- take a time out. Every court of law allows for a recess.

Fifth, treasure each other. When I almost died at age 24 [a near death experience which I wrote about at almost the beginning of this blog:  http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html, it rattled us to our core and we have never, not once since that day, have taken each other for granted. We are in each other's heart. The close call has kept death on our shoulders and that is a good reminder to "carpe them diems" as my sister would say. [If the blog post of my Near Death doesn't appear, I'll send it up again.]

Sixth, age well like fine wine. Since we have grown up together, we are history to each other and both of us appreciate good history, so we try to create it every day. We make sure we talk in a loving manner [mostly] and we are interested in our dreams and desires. We strive to bring something fresh and new into our lives even if it's just a good book, an interesting observation, a walk or bike ride.

from 20 years ago

Now we are aging together. My hearing needs volume, his knee needs regeneration, I'm shrinking and he's balding. We hold each other in high esteem and we hold each other up. Our lives are so intertwined our roots link---yet we are separate trees. He's the long to my short, the width to my depth, the question to all my answers, my duct tape and my pal. We give each other an enormous sense of being right with the world, forever and ever as long as we both shall live, amen.

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout

 

The Shock of Aging

Growing old is like being increasingly punished for a crime you didn't commit.                                                           Anthony Powell   

  The Incredible Shrinking Woman

As some of you know I'm kind of a shrimp.  It's always a surprise to me when I'm in a photo pictured beside my husband, sons and/or grandkids. Well, the situation has deteriorated further, I've lost and inch and a half in height in the last decade. Totally unfair to those of us who are physically challenged. Sadly this is not unusual for women of a certain age. It is definitely not your imagination that your grandmother gets smaller every year. Soon I figure I'll be able to fit into the front a shopping cart. Oh the indignity.

The Semi Bionic Woman

 I'm taller than the 10 and 6 years old
 great nephews

Besides shrinking there are other unwelcome surprises,  for example aches and pains. Aging can hurt. I had a hip replacement which was no fun, then currently I have a pinched nerve in my neck. When I complained to my physical therapist, "this has never happened to me before!" she answered "how often have you been in your mid seventies?" 

Energy Level Stagnation

Of which brings up an unpopular topic: tiredness. Hate to admit it but I was of the near ADD category and could out sprint people half my age. But with the occasional mad dash for an almost missed ferry [see the last post] I rarely run unless forced to. This is concerning because before my normal gate was a semi trot. Don't want to any more. 

You're only young once but you can be immature forever.                                                              Germaine Greer

Fashion Challenged 

Some bikers tend to go for the Harley look, sporting a pony tail, beer belly, chains, tats, logos, and jean jackets. Sometimes those of us of a certain age can sport a jean packet too, minus the beer belly, chains and the tats.  Fashions change but somethings are too good to give up. Jeans and jean jackets, ah.

                                                                                                                   

All Caucasian Women Look Alike

One of my friends is Japanese and years ago she pointed this out to me and I heartily chuckled. Darn if she isn't mostly correct.  White or grey hair, pale, pale skin and a uniform of clothes to try to capture some youthful look. This is an observation, not a criticism. While I have retained my blondish hair, the truth is it's mostly grey.

Wait, Weight

Though I am within a few pounds of what I always weigh, I have  the figure of a toddler without the enormous thighs: a small pot belly, folds in my skin, and an inability to run as swiftly as I used to. I believed women who had pot bellies had let themselves go, over indulgences etc. Guess what, except for the people who have various surgeries to retain an hour glass figure the aging process includes fat accumulation in the midsection. Yes and I'm active! I walk at least 7 or 8 miles a week. Is it my fault that I have a bigger waist? Only the scam artists believe so and want to guilt trip you into buying their products. The science is not behind it. Still, it's not a thrilling prospect to resemble a toddler.

Skin Deep

I vividly remember my mother saying to me after I complained about my wrinkles when I was in my fifties, "go look in the mirror", I went to the nearest mirror, came back on the phone and said, "okay, what?" Mom answered, "it's all downhill from here." Funny. But she was correct, the wrinkles plotted against me. So I tried every anti wrinkle product on this continent to no avail. Useless and now  the wrinkles are planning another take over. Will I do corrective surgery? The truth is I'm violently opposed to voluntary pain, hence no surgery that's not necessary for me. Ouch with elective plastic surgery and why? To look younger? Really, why bother. I haven't noticed any paparazzi hanging about and no one is arranging a photo shoot for me. As my blessed grandmother used to say, "I earned every one of these wrinkles." Indeed, so have I.

Day Dream Believer

One of the things I never intend to give up is being a day and night dreamer. I'm also one who records those dreams. In all of my dreams I'm looking about 45 years old, spunky, fierce and out spoken. Then I awaken and reality hits and I look in the mirror. Oh, oh--- no more delusion. Starting me back is a small blondish older woman who has quite an attitude and looks very much like her mother. This is the shock of  aging. One day you're looking at your hand being concerned about a bit of arthritis and then it seems like in no time you're seeing that same hand that incredibly resembles your long dead grandmother's hands. Then my nose is bigger and as is my waist. I don't lie about my age or weight but I do about my height. It's such a shock that one shrinks as we age. Who knew? Everyone apparently. I was the oblivious one. Everyone who has an elderly relative might notice in pictures from the past that the relative then was taller. I'm amazed when I see pictures of myself with my family that I'm now the smallest member. So what.  Napoleon was a shrimp. 

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout 

THIN SKIN

part of the crew

Ordinarily I go about life with an air of 'come si com sa' but these days I have embarked on the journey of thin skin, hypersensitivity to the slightest raised eyebrow or twinge of bodily aches.  Why?

Here's what I believe is going on with me and any of you who have suffered being acutely vulnerable mentally or physically come with me for the short ride.

One of the reasons for being hypersensitive is caring too much what people think of you. Ordinarily I'm a fairly oblivious person. [Some would say very oblivious...] A prime example, last year three days before my birthday my husband and one of our friends organized a surprise party for me. We went to their house and I was delighted to see two close friends were going to be joining us for what I thought was a small dinner party. I'd worn a crummy T shirt for the night and thought nothing of it. Then to my amazement, other friends arrived, "how nice" I said! It wasn't until another friend arrived with a huge Mum plant that I finally caught on.  The worst of it, said Mr. G, was I'd walked through the dining room and saw presents and said, "presents, wonder for who?" This is real oblivion, not faked.  See to my way of thinking it wasn't my birthday...yet.

But the thing is circumstances can pierce the wall of my fog and let the arrows of hurt in both mentally and physically. In my defense I'm truly exhausted and have had serious consequences for myself. 

At the beginning of August we'd gone to my sister's house for a marvelous gathering of the Monday Zoom guitar group. This group I'd attended for over two years [who knew the plague would last that long] was literally the highlight of my week--- with two of my sisters and four of the guys from our guitar camp. I was excited and eager to see all my friends and sisters. We sang, played guitar, went for long hikes, swam and had wonderful meals and barbecues. We all pitched in and had a lovely visit, but that's not the end of it. 

on the cabin's deck

me and my sisters at camp

Our zoom group, after several days at Sally's, were traveling on to the guitar camp. We  missed that camp so dearly and were eager for the ride which was a two and a half hour drive away. Arriving at the camp, we were so thrilled to be back, greeting old friends catching up on three years away, truly was an enormous high. We settled into our cabin, the three sisters together and our guy friends on the other side of the cabin and proceeded to celebrate our good fortune. The camp was six days of great food and wonderful music and teachers. It was not about sleep. That's the truth and so it continued.

After camp we, as a group were traveling to our small town which involved taking two ferries. I was basically in charge of herding the group and insisting that they take seriously the importance of making those ferries. Hectoring is probably a better word, though I hate to admit it. When we arrived for the second ferry I believed we had time to kill so I took a walk along the shoreline. Thinking that the ferry I saw from a distance wasn't ours I sat on a bench treasuring some alone time. It was our ferry. Then I realized that I had literally moments to catch the ferry--- so I had to run. I'm not a runner but needs must and all. I made the ferry, completely out of breath and was granted aboard via the grace of a generous ferry worker who shook his head and waved me on. Jeez, Ms. Hector had to repent and apologize. Ah the irony of almost missing the ferry.

part of the family

After we arrived home we quickly threw our bags and guitars into our house and then went to join other family members who were hosting the Friday family dinner. A blessing as far as I was concerned but because of my gaffe of almost missing the ferry I was truly exhausted. This was another grand reunion. We hadn't seen my brother and his wife in three years and they were going to be there for only two more days. Brother Bob was performing at the Port and many more family members were due to arrive the next day. Guess who was hosting that dinner? A mere eighteen for dinner at our house on Saturday after Bob and partner Laura's terrific performance. At one point I looked around at all of this big gathering on that beautiful Saturday night, sat down at the picnic table and said to Mr. G "this is just exactly what I want". Jubilant that we not only pulled it off but it was a perfect night and so wonderful to have so many loved ones at our house. When I told my oldest son about the dinner for eighteen he said, "you're insane". Probably am. 

the brother, wife and friend 

The next day we hiked, loving being together. People were leaving the next day and for the life of me I can't remember how we ate dinner that night. I know my brother, sister in law and singing partner came for drinks and appetizers to be able to say goodbye. I must have fed everyone else something...

Only one sister and her partner were there at the house on Monday. We had a lovely lunch out for which I was so grateful. They left the next day, Tuesday.  I sincerely miss my sisters and all my guests I had such a soulful good time. 

After the reunions, I'm sure you all know the drill: laundry, laundry and more laundry, dishes, dishes and more dishes. The housework got handled after a few days. That Tuesday the house painter, who we've been waiting a calendar year for finally arrived. A delight but more work to make sure everything outside was picked up. 

a jolly group of women

Would it shock you if I told you that I ended up in the ER with throbbing pain in my left arm on Friday? I thought I was maybe having a heart attack. Fortunately, all tests were fine, thank god, but the pain didn't subside. Now I'm looking for a refund. However after I wrote this all down I have a small hint that I perhaps I took on more than I should have. Even though the last two weeks were absolutely fabulous I'm paying the price for doing too much. Did I mention I also went on a five mile hike with a group of women friends on Wednesday. One of the things that's wrong with me is the inability to say 'no, I'm too tired'.  This never happened when I was in my sixties. But now? Proof is in the ER.  Agree? 

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout 

THE ANTI ABORTIONISTS WIN

Sunset

The anti abortionists win by politically stacking the Supreme court who voted to exclude a woman's right to choose whether to give birth or not.

They win the right to fully display their contempt for a woman's right to privacy with her physician. 

They win the right to withhold birth control and the right to choose a sensible number of children a family can have.

They win the right to speak ill of women who are suffering with an ectopic pregnancy, facing a potential death sentence if the hospital is unwilling to abort. 

They win the right to be indifferent to a suffering woman from a difficult pregnancy in a hospital that is unwilling to preform a therapeutic abortion to save the woman's life.

They win the right to be callus about the impoverished woman who is pregnant with her 4th, 5th, 6th child that she has no ability to afford.

They win the right to condemn the woman who has no choice but to stay home with no or few resources to raise her children.

They win the right to ignore the plight of the over half a million children in foster care who would give the world to be adopted.

They win the right to continue to deny funding to help any of these women who are forced to give birth to an unwanted child.

They win the right to turn away from the child or woman who is raped and becomes pregnant.

They win the right to erase from their conscience all the young child who are victims of incest and impregnated.

They win the right to close their eyes to the trauma of the women and children in violent homes who are forced repeatedly to be pregnant by an abuser who denies them freedom.

They win the right to focus solely and only on the "unborn" who now have superior rights to the living women, children and families forced to give birth unwillingly and sadly.

The win the right to then turn their backs and their pocket books away from those women who were forced to give birth. This is not about love of children.

They win be cause they believe that because the Constitution does not mention abortion in it and is therefore unconstitutional to allow it. By this thinking the Constitution in the day with the right to bear arms pertained only had MUSKETS  and yet they are allowing the most awful weapons of mass destruction to be purchased by any violent offender in the US. Where is the justice?

These wonderful women can't believe this is still on going

A Woman's Rights Are Human Rights

Expect More BS from the Right Wing

This destruction of our children, our people, has got to stop. There is every reason to not sit on the fence about this issue. If the legislatures are too cowardly to step up to the NRA and the weapons lobbies, then they should lose their jobs. We, citizens need to clamor for justice in the form of outlawing these assault weapons. Australia did just that in 1996 and they've not had another slaughter since then.  

Give me one good reason a citizen needs to own/use an assault weapon. One. The truth? There's money to be made by the evil weapon manufacturers so they try to convince people that it's their right. Don't be fooled, really it's greed, pure and simple. It's stupidity to be cowed by these people and absolute foolishness to overlook the greed element. Don't the people in the NRA have children, grandchildren, a heart? Ask them.

How on earth can anyone prevent mass murder? Truthfully, I'm not sure we can predict who'd be a candidate for such a huge heinous crime. But we certainly don't need to glamorize it, nor to endlessly focus on it. Wouldn't it be great if instead the focus was on prevention? Wouldn't it be great if we would have licenses that actually screened for suspicious behavior, and licenses for responsibility and competence with a weapon? We do after all license our cars and our citizen who drive those cars. Another thing, I've heard it said that we can't hold the gun sellers responsible for the crimes committed by the criminals. We hold the bartenders and restaurateurs responsible for a drunk who has left their establishment and ends up killing someone in a car accident. Fat chance, I realize, to get the lawmakers to toughen our laws, but it's a nice fantasy of mine and a good idea. Better than the nothing that's normally done after each of these horrendous murders. Nothing.

I was so impressed by the very young adults from Stoneman Douglas high school who  stood up to all of the adults in this country with their articulate demand for gun control. It is not going to take a village, it is going to take a country united against the slaughter of innocents. I was deeply saddened that it's taken the deaths of 17 more innocents [by another lone young white man apparently a white supremacist sympathizer] to rally and take a strong stand against the NRA. Was it the adults? No, it was the young high school students who are taking the strong stand against the NRA. They are unafraid of that organization and are calling out all of the politicians who are the NRA's toadies--- bowing and scraping for the generous bloody handouts. 

“They say that tougher gun laws do not decrease gun violence — we call B.S.!” she continued as a chorus of supporters echoed her. “They say a good guy with a gun stops a bad guy with a gun — we call B.S.! They say guns are just tools like knives and are as dangerous as cars — we call B.S.! They say that no laws could have been able to prevent the hundreds of senseless tragedies that have occurred — we call B.S.! That us kids don’t know what we’re talking about, that we’re too young to understand how the government works — we call B.S.!”             Emma Gonzales a student at Stoneman Douglas H.S.

They have called B.S. on the "it's not time to talk about guns... it's time to grieve". As Emma said, "this is how we grieve, we want action on gun control." 

Vote, recruit your friends and family to take up the cause for action. Donate to one of the very worthy organizations that are helping to pass gun legislation. Be kind to your neighbor, volunteer and do take good care of  yourself. A nice way to do this is to forest bathe or just take a walk and smile at your neighbors. You never know who is going to need your help. Love is always welcome, neighbor.

we

susan r. grout 2022

Small Town Therapist On Becoming Good and Holy

 Knowing is not enough, we must do. Thinking is not enough, we must act.                                                     Susan R. Grout

at the Earth day rally

One of the most interesting and challenging parts of the life we lead is trying to be a good, loving and responsible person in all our choices. Here are some questions that I've been rolling around in my head for a long time.
I seriously thought about doing an entire post on the above questions and let each of you contemplate exactly what your answers were to the posed questions. You could stop right here and answer all the questions for yourself. But then I decided that was unfair and if I'm going to blog about philosophy and therapy I need to answer my own questions. Here goes.

1.    Can being constantly in prayer encourage a good and holy life?

2.    Can we be on the cell phone frequently with no consequences?

3.    Can it be harmful for us to be on our phones all the time?

4.    Can tithing to a church be promoting holiness?

5.    Can we strive to be a good person every day?

6.    Can we embrace the sacred when there's so much trash?

7.    Can we disallow junk in our lives? 

8.    Can we create time to ensure we're contributing goodness for our society?

9.    Can we effectively combat the people who are destroying the environment?

10. Can we find an effective way to approach people who are abusive to others, to the earth?

11.  Can we have a close relationship with your community without sacrificing some privacy?

12.  Can "love one another" get supported in churches who are against homosexuals, feminists, people of color, transgender people?

13. Can we accept people who have radically different viewpoints from us?

14. Can we promote radical kindness and generosity by doing volunteer work? 

I seriously thought about presenting all these questions and letting all of you contemplate exactly what your answers were. You could stop right here and answer all the questions for yourself. I then decided that was unfair and if I'm going to write about philosophy and therapy, I need to answer my own questions.

1. Can being constantly praying encourage a good and holy life? No, if you are completely content with the way things are going in your life and with others. No, if you prefer to have a mantra or have an internal dialogue with positive affirmations and you meditate frequently. Yes, if it feels wimpy not to have a solid spiritual base and you want to have a close relationship with a higher power. Yes, if the word constantly is modified to the word often. Personally, I find having a spiritual center gives great meaning to everyday life. I like the word 'often'— ‘constantly’ feels too demanding.

2.  Can we be on cell phones frequently with no consequences? Constantly playing with the phone texting madly, playing computer games, being on social media and the like encourages missing out on life.  A young woman smarter than myself stated, "I think cell phone usage is like what we thought about smoking twenty years ago. We know it's bad for us but it's hard to stop."  One of the most aggravating things I see about cell phones is the phones are no longer just for convenience of communication. Today, if we're honest, phones have become playgrounds for young and old. Most distressingly I see parents paying absolutely no attention to their children but are on their phones constantly. Important business? No, mostly nonsense. This is going to come back to bite them. Just wait until their kids are old enough to spend most of their time on the cell phones. Precious interactions lost. Cell phones according to recent research states they should never be used as babysitters for tiny kids. They are harmful to the developing brain.

3. Can it be harmful for us to be on our phones all the time? I’d like to sidestep the entire lethality issue, but I can't. Once my husband and I were driving on I-5 and a woman in the car next to us was texting and swerved into a lane in front of us. The man in the car to her right was driven off the road into a ditch. Oblivious and still on her phone, she never even knew he went into the ditch. When we called the sheriff he said, "This happens all the time, did you get her license number?" We hadn't and so no consequences for the texter, huge ones for her victim.  The amount of time you can safely look away from the road while driving is tested to be 2 seconds.

4. Can tithing to a church be promoting holiness? The bigger question is what is your church doing constructively to promote goodness for our planet and its people? Contributions, that in turn promote good for many, win hands down as far as I can tell. Even if your church is the great out of doors, does that organization you support contribute to the holiness/goodness in all of us?

 

 5. Can we strive to be a good person daily? How? St. Augustine said it best, "if you are loving and diligent, you can do whatever you want." Loving means action not just thinking. What acts can you do daily to help our earth and/or another human being?  Can you make a daily pledge to show up and be kind to everyone you meet? Diligence requires that you assess what is necessary for you to be the best possible citizen in this world. That can be volunteer work, care giving, contributions to causes that hold goodness as one of their values.

6. Can we embrace the sacred in our lives?  Have you rid yourself of trash and garbage so that you are surrounded by only what is beautiful and pleasing? Are the people in your life ones who bring out the very best in you, ones who elevate your thinking?

7. Can we eliminate people and things that bring us down?  Any therapist worth their philosophy will tell you to encourage joy by being joyful and sidestep the people or ideas or things that seek to interfere with that.

8.Can we embrace time for volunteering for the good of our communities?  One huge hint: turn off the cell phones and the machines. Less time on the cell phones, computers, TV, and movies can stretch out the day and night impressively. Try it. Then what are you going to do with all those extra hours? It is a new fad that young people are proud of saying No! to volunteering. Then the "me" time is usually with their machines. I’ve read and often follow the advice to have a tech free day, says she while writing on her computer. Stop laughing.

9. Can we effectively combat the people, organizations who are actively destroying the environment? Fight. Get active and get educated. Upset that there is a threat to clean air and clean water? Write letters, call your congressman, show up for demonstrations, give donations to organizations that are working to help the environment and are willing to go after the polluters, vote out of office people who are complicit in destroying this planet.

10. Can we find an effective way to handle abusive people who are bullies? I encourage people to speak up, and do so, with an advocate by your side. Let the bullies know that their behavior will not be tolerated, and you won't be quiet about it. Be courageous.

11. Can you have a close community without sacrificing any privacy? You really can't. You can have some privacy, but not lots if you desire closeness with your fellow humans.

12. Can "love one another" get supported in churches who are against homosexuals, feminists, people of color, transgender people? The only words we know for a fact that Jesus uttered is "love one another." If you suspect that your church or congregation is homophobic, intolerant, or racist how can they be following that loving principle? Not possible.  Find a group that really does love and actively participate in promoting the goodness therein for all people.

13.Can we accept radically different viewpoints?  I am going to use a newly defined 'dirty word': be liberal minded, be open minded and open hearted. Realize and know if there is veiled racism or bigotry you are allowed to say how disappointed you are. Fighting bigotry is an active ongoing posture, not a passive one.

14. Can we promote radical kindness and generosity, you must be the one who is out there dedicating your life to being kind and generous. The easiest way is to volunteer your time. As noted, you will have so much more time if you put down the phone and the machines.

Please note none of this is directed at the people who are working two or three jobs just to stay afloat. However, if you know someone in that position, offer a helping hand or even cash. It's good and holy.

Expect to work hard for goodness, kindness and to save the earth. As Bob Marley said, "the evil doers in this world never take a day off, so how can I?"

The leucistic robin visited us this spring, it felt good and holy.

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susansmagicfeather  2024 Susan R. Grout 

Appearances

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I was told to listen to my body when jogging. My body said, "what are you doing? Are you crazy? Sit down!"                                                    Chet Hurley

 Salmonella is a bacterium that in the human bloodstream can grow into an adult salmon.             Dave Barry

Low and behold there was a time when we [I really mean I] weren't so interested in appearances: that was starting March 2020 and abruptly ending in April 2022. All of those masks served more than protecting us from the virus COVID 19--- they helped those of us who are aging to look considerably younger. No wrinkles around the lips or the parenthesis around mouth knocked off about a dozen years. It was kind of flattering, if you could ignore exactly why we were wearing those masks. 

I even took to wearing mascara when I ventured to the grocery store just to make myself feel as though I was up grading my appearance. Did anyone notice? of course not, I'm a woman of a certain age and the noticing stopped when I was approximately 55 years of age. The truth, that was just fine. To be semi invisible is one of my super powers. Then I open my mouth, oh-oh. 

Therapy is like going to grad school and majoring in yourself.                        Fran Drescher 

I was raised around strong, fierce, feisty women and it had quite an impact on my personality. I believed it was normal to be outspoken and responsive. Did I mentioned that I went to an all girls Catholic high school? That experience taught me to ask questions and answer questions if I knew the answers. In college I was shocked to discover that most young women would not speak up in the classes or answer questions that the professors posed. Why? These young women weren't answering for fear of upsetting the young men. Unbelievable to me. This was one of the many reasons I declared my major as Psychology.

Outspoken and responsive is one thing, if it's based in truth. However here's what has crept into our modern culture: many people have become 'verbally narcissistic'. Even if a person has an inkling that they might be in error, they'll insist even harder that they're absolutely correct. They figure it will harm their status or appearance if they admit they were wrong. Again why?  For example, when I'm wrong should someone points that out [usually my husband] I will promptly admit my error. To me, that could clear up a heap of what's dividing this country. Big if, but if only people could admit they're wrong sometimes, when faced with the evidence, it would help everyone enormously.  One of the strongest traits of narcissism is the inability to admit  they are ever wrong. It's childish and stubborn to insist they're right all the time but they do.  It's currently fashionable to have men and women spouting all kinds of wacko theories based on conspiracies and their defense is--- free speech. I was raised in Chicago we had a place for these people, it was called "Bug House Square". People talked, literally on a soapbox, and some of it was very good, like what they were concerned about in the country---worker's rights, votes for the marginalized and women's health. But also there were the really crazy ones spouting their theories based on tips from their molars,  Space Lazers, the reappearance of the deceased Kennedy's etc.  

 

A Bughouse Square Committee, headquartered at Newberry Library, has continued to organize free-speech gatherings there each July in conjunction with the library's annual book sale. from Wikipedia 

This fact that Bug House Square now has a committee across from the Newberry Library tickles me no end and that they are honoring free speech with a book sale, how lovingly appropos. Today as I type, across this country a certain group of  people are whipping books out of the libraries due to politics of the right wing. Banning books is popular as we all know with any dictator in the world and it's literally a crime against free speech. But to all appearances this has to do panicked parents fearful that reading a book can cause a sex change in their children. I've read plenty of books that have murder as a theme [mysteries] and believe it or not I haven't become a murderess. As for reading about slavery, the World Wars and the crimes committed against the vulnerable has not for one millisecond convinced me that I need to take advantage of anyone but rather makes me want to defend the vulnerable. Perhaps that is the grand fear: these children could acquire an open mind, and understanding about being kind to all people with hatred toward none.

Hippie? I Flunked

odd taste in clothing is not hippie like 

 When anyone hears that I've been in the northwest since 1970 they make certain assumptions about me, namely because I'm an identified feminist and a Democrat that I must have been a hippie.

Here's the history: Back in the late 1960's it was all the rage to be a hippie. But I, for one, found it was too complicated for me--- even though it was 'the dawning of the age of Aquarius'.

Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt                 a pertinent T shirt

I flunked being a hippie.  I never got the clothes right and then there's my hair --- very fine and thin. So no crazy flowing locks for me. I tell people that most newborns have more hair than I do, only a slight exaggeration.  All the young people I knew in the 60's who were hippies had long hair and crazy clothes. Frankly, the outrageous clothes were as much of a uniform as doctors, nurses, accountants had, but hey, they were rebelling. Take the food fads of the 1970's--- Please!  It was all about bread so tough it could be used as an assault weapon, the exaggerated glow of raw foods, absolutely no butter in sight, and for dessert... carob brownies. To use the word brownies next to the word carob is an insult so enormous it makes me cringe.

 

Another strike against me: I was married. Most young people in the '70's who were couples were "just living together" and worse, we had a baby! This is extreme fact was so far from the acceptance of cool and so much earlier than our grad school friends at the time, they couldn't comprehend why we did that. I figured they whispered behind our backs about our very loved baby as our 'mistake'. They were literally baffled. Shockingly we wanted to raise our little boy with care, concern and a regular schedule. I'm not knocking the ones who floated around with babes in arms, no schedules in sights but I found early on that wouldn't work for my family. 

the importance of maturity

Here is an example of my growing realization about how different people cope to new situations. When my son was about two months old we went to a party with my husband's fellow graduate students. We were both so pleased and excited to be out of the house and enjoying the company of adults but our baby boy was having none of it. We weren't there very long when our son erupted crying, and unusual for him, he was inconsolable. I turned to my young husband and said, "we have to go" and we did. I had pictured that my baby would behave just like at home, settling in for the night at about 8 pm...ha, ha, ha. I was a naive young mom. It was appalling to our fellow grad students that we would leave the party just because of an uncomfortable baby but we did.  See? Wrong attitude. No proper hippie would do that.

That kind of set the stage for me coming to some realizations about the age of LOVE. Sometimes, actually with babies often, love meant thinking of the comfort of others [the baby] rather than yourself. Kind of applies to the years when Covid was upon us. I was continually being mindful of COVID and making sure I wasn't infecting others. Courtesy and kindness in my humble opinion never go out of fashion. 

                                                     

Happily for me my sister [who was far more hip than I] moved up to the northwest from a newly dangerous San Francisco. They were concerned about raising a baby daughter in a not safe neighborhood. Both of us were on the edge of Hippie-dom. We had babies who relied on us to be responsible and not stoned all the time. My one experience with being stoned was getting high while my son was asleep and then realizing to my horror that if he awoke, diaper pins could potentially be a lethal weapon in the hands of one who was not sober. No more of that.

The other truth during these years I witnessed was a lot of confusion from my peers as to how to be a good parent. We knew that we didn't want to be "establishment" folks like our parents. However, looking back on our families,  I must admit both my husband and I did have good enough childhoods. For example, my parents were blissfully unaware of what I and my five siblings were up to on a general basis. We were told to be home for dinner-- Period. We lived near a sewage canal in Evanston, Il. and were expressly forbidden to go to it's banks to play---we went every single day. No helicopter parenting for us.  Granted it was a different, safer time but we thrived on the freedom. This must be what the hippies of the '60's and 70's were striving for, that blissful feeling of having no one hovering over you and the right to play outdoors all day long. No responsibilities, not a care in the world. Ahh. Simple. They kind of forgot the part about then they were children, now they were, face it, the adults.

I was firmly dedicated to the notion that we were going to give our kids the right to explore the outdoors as often as possible. To do that and most fortuitously we moved to the country from the city at the start of our parenthood and ultimately we moved to an island. That's where I found out what I valued most. Giving and loving. I treasured what I could do for my family, for my community and for my country. I believe I graduated from any attempt to be a hippie and put away the thinking of childhood and graduated to being an adult.

However I'm contemplating becoming a Hipster. 

susansmagicfeather 2022 Susan R. Grout