There's a Surprise Inside!

what's the best way to have a pet? Poncho

will he recover?

You think you know everything but you know nothing.                                      Robert L. Ricketts

One of the curiosities of life is that it is wildly unpredictable. In all of our childlike hearts we believe we'll live forever! and never have another dreadful day! That is amusing and from an optimist. Those who suffer from depression believe that they will never have another gleeful, glorious day and some days death can't come too soon. As I have mentioned, people are eminently complicated and complex which is precisely why I went into the field of psychology. I love a surprise.

The some of the surprises I love are: the announcement of pregnancies; the birth of healthy babies; the glories of an unexpected sunset; the chance meeting of friends; the good health report when expecting bad news; the full recovery of someone who was ill; the joy in planning a simple trip and having it be vastly more exciting than expected. For those surprises I love, keep 'em coming. Next I'll be singing, "rain drops on roses". 

And speaking of whiskers on kittens, a very pleasant surprise came to me in the form of  my neighbor's cat, Poncho. He just showed up on my deck about three months after my 15 year old cat Rufus had to be put to sleep. I did a double take and definitely teared up when Poncho came to my door. I knew he couldn't be Rufus but...  Look, Poncho is the one at the top of the page and here on the left is a picture of me and Rufus. As I said, a pleasant surprise. This is the best way to love/own a pet. After I put Rufus down I vowed I'd never have another pet. And this solved a problem with that because I love cats. Poncho lives elsewhere, he's someone else's responsibility. I get the benefits--I get to love and pet my visitor without worrying about who will take care of him when I go on my next trip. 

I had just gotten home from a trip about a week ago and I was reading on the couch by  the cozy fire. I heard quite a thump against the window. Oh, no. I went outside and there was a tiny Golden crowned Kinglet thrashing around very awkwardly on the empty birdbath. I picked him up and he closed his eyes and I thought, "this is it, he's not going to make it." I decided to give him TLC, shelter him from predators and put him on a railing next to the front door. I breathed on him, pet him and talked to him. He was so stunned he didn't expire from this weird creature picking him up, petting and breathing on him. After a bit I went inside and periodically checked on him. About the fourth time I opened the front door, he shook himself, probably in annoyance, and flew away, just like nothing had happened. Recovery is sweet.

We planned a trip to my husband's families on the east coast, Philadelphia and Vermont. we  did the planes, trains and automobiles route and it was incredibly warm and honestly felt like an extension of summer. Delightful, warm, dry climate change weather in which I never once wore my sweaters. Because I pushed for it Mr. G allowed that we could travel from Vermont to Quebec City, a five and a half hour drive. Plus booking a hotel in the old part of the city at the last minute wasn't cheap. Once we finally got to QC it was as if we had traveled by car to France. More beautiful than I can describe in a few words this very old and stately city, I was entranced. We walked, dined, viewed the grandeur of the city and had many nice encounters with fellow travelers. And of course, one surprise. The hat less man with arm raised was our guide and bell hop and he had been in business with people that we knew on the islands. What are the odds? Thousands of miles away we meet a friend of our friend.  

 People love to say, "life is short eat dessert first". To that I would add, life is short be aware and amused and delight in all surprises.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

Too Many Choices

Last post was about the rigidity of black and white thinking how difficult it is for folks to break the pattern and open up to a more colorful way of looking at life. Today I address the other way people get stymied--- when there are too many choices. 

 Although it has long been the common wisdom in our country that there is no such thing as too many choices, as psychologists and economists study the issue, they are concluding that an overload of options may actually paralyze people or push them into decisions that are against their own best interest. Alina Tugend, NYT 2010 

The opposite of b & w thinking is the person who will drive themselves crazy and become paralyzed by too many choices, too many decisions. Their brain goes into overdrive creating anxiety as they try desperately to decide what is the best or the perfect, next step. Those clients must work to somehow simplify the process. 

I start the discussion with the startling announcement that "there is no perfect next step". There are plenty of good steps to take and we work to narrow down what is the most comfortable or reasonable next step for them to take. It's possible this person has an anxiety disorder that permeates their live or it could be a temporarily created anxiety caused by over abundance in our culture. Think grocery stores. Often reported the paralysis that visitors from foreign countries experience when seeing our grocery stores for the first time. Many leave without purchasing a thing. 

the library suggests books 

The perfect is the enemy of the good.         Voltaire

 Thank goodness for Consumer Reports  Susan R. Grout

I firmly believe in science, testing and analysis. I encourage clients to do a bit of homework on whatever choices are causing them anxiety and not to become too bogged down.  A good personal example is my own recent choice of a new car. Our 20 year old, very reliable Camry suddenly died [in front of the gas station] until that time, we hadn't thought much about a new car. Then we did. Mr. G is famous in our extended family for being "Mr. Consumer Reports" and he spent a good amount of time researching what would be our next vehicle. I just want the meager facts which to me boiled down to, "what is the most reliable, not unattractive car that I could throw my bike in the back of". Sad but true. He loves the game of trying to get the best car for the best price etc. I sit and wait until he's narrowed it down then the arguments can ensue. I use not only my head but also my gut feelings about any big purchase. When we went to dealerships I had a decided preference for one over the others. I couldn't quite articulate what was so "wrong" about several of  the dealerships but I knew that I was unwilling to give them my money. Ultimately we agreed on the dealer, the car, and its color and we bought a dandy car.  I have since learned the dealership we chose has won many awards for their service.  

Here in this country we are most fortunate to have a superlative group that looks out for the consumer with good old fashioned science and testing: Consumer Reports. Using CR can aid in making decisions on purchases and part of me wishes that this could be extended to affairs of the human heart. Many a client came in with dilemmas of too many choices in who to date, who to avoid, who to marry, who to divorce. I was eager to help them. The most important decision in your life is who you wish to spend your life and time with. I only wish that more people would do research on their choices. So in my modest attempt at human CR I would bring in the various partners and see if we could clarify what would be the best choice for both of them. One therapist friend of mine, Joan used to say, "everything you do in life you pay a price and you get a prize. If the price is worth the prize, then it's a good."  I saw all types of couples in counseling and always kept this piece of advice at the ready. Also I used my own mantra of "head, heart and guts" when making a decision. In other words, does it makes good sense, does it feel good and kind, does it feel right? It was up to the person to use that advice to decide whether the person they were choosing or married to was worth the price they were paying to be with them. Is it a good decision from your head, heart and guts?Sounds simple, was it? Of course not. Human beings are complex and complicated too many choices! Honestly counseling, especially couples counseling, did
help. 

Abigail Adams urged making a head, heart and guts decision 

Down through the ages people have relied on their head, heart and guts to make very important decisions. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

How Did the Reflections in Black and White Work for You?

One of the amusing things about being a writer is  thinking in verse, chapter, paragraph and exclamation point. Interestingly I participated in a frivolous project: seven days of photographs, each day presenting the photo with no words, no explanation, no people involved in the picture and each day name someone to take this black and white photo challenge.

I loved this little challenge and it make me look at my world, and others participant's worlds, differently. I realized that I often felt the need to explain: the why, the what and the how I'd done the photo. When all of that was optionally taken away I really wanted to show, to demonstrate, and to allow the viewer to have their own experience, no interference. I so enjoyed doing this and especially appreciated all the beautiful work others had done with this challenge.

Several years ago a friend and I took a course in art appreciation. One divine take away from our excellent teacher was, "when you first view a picture---stop. Take it in and let the whole of the picture be present in your view. Only then after you have a feeling one way or another, ['I like it' or 'I don't like it', 'does it have meaning for me or not?'] then approach the picture and see who painted the piece, when it was done and then read it's title." I found this very useful advice when going to an art museum and with this little project.

Personally speaking this b & w photo challenge was very different for me because usually I go for the most vibrant colors in a photo, and b & w was certainly not my style. "Good one" I thought, "shake it up, try something new". I took shots of my life that were either striking or meaningful to me. 

In my years as a therapist there are similarities and differences in exploring ways that were either colorful or starkly b & w with clients. Some times, most times it was to shake them into new ways of thinking and behaving. In quite the opposite of colorful thoughts and behavior some of the people I worked with got caught in negative patterns in their lives. This rigidity is called 'black and white thinking'. Their narrow mindedness prevents them from trying something new, seeking new solutions. Rigidity almost always involves fear. By way of example, Tigger*, was firmly convinced that he had to take Ritalin because his wife said "it's made a huge difference in my dealings with you". Tigger was uncomfortable with the drug, it made him edgy and he wanted to discontinue using it but was afraid of her displeasure to stop. I told him I'd read about a possible solution and an interesting alternative. In Scandinavian countries they rarely use stimulant drugs and instead, they give a cup of coffee to children who are hyperactive. This proved as effective as the stimulants at a tenth of the cost. [Supposedly there is no addiction potential with the stimulant drug Ritalin. If that's true why are the kids on Ritalin repeatedly pressured by their peers to sell them some of their drugs? I certainly don't see this behavior with coffee.]  I was fine using coffee as a trial to wean Tigger off the other stimulant and see how well it worked. It worked beautifully. Case of one, not statistically significant I realize...

Caffeine can lead to addiction but it is only in excessive amounts, like eleven cups of coffee a day. Ritalin and the like does seem to be a slight precursor to problems with addiction later in life for the kids who've been on the stimulants since they were little children. How often are the studies that prove otherwise funded by the drug manufacturers?

The clients that I saw who were caught up in black and white thinking couldn't embrace their world as colorful. I wanted them to enrich their live and see, not only shades of grey, but also the full spectrum of color. Often they would head for the same old thought process. What I tried to do was break them away from the: "either this/or that" thinking and on to new thoughts including: "both this/and that" or "and this and then this" etc. Good therapy offers a way to bounce around new ideas for different ways of behaving in your life. This can lead to a more colorful life, broadening your vision with more ways of looking at a thing/problem. I find it is essential for some to enjoy a bigger perspective. 


Let me end here by contradicting myself yet again.  Sometimes the subtleties of a b & w picture can be illuminating and striking, so deeply that you would've never noticed the richness before you if you had the distraction of color. To the Leonardo de Vinci before you,  I rest my case.   

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Tomorrow, or soon, what to do when the perspective is too broad and screaming color

*a pseudonym of course

It Means So Much

I sometime feel a bit off kilter

I love this picture painted by my Mom, serenity

Human felicity is produced not so much by great pieces of good fortune that seldom happen, as by little advantages that occur every day.                                                                                    Benjamin Franklin

Rumor has it that we age every day. Sometimes looking in the mirror we realize that perhaps, just perhaps, we are not as attractive as we once were. One of my sons, age 16, pointed this out to me many years ago. He was looking at an family photo album when he came upon a picture of me in college. He stopped, looked up and with utter sincerity said, "Mom, you used to be really good looking!" I said, "Used to be?!" and he repeated himself with emphasis on the "used to be". This young man is know for his kindness, what he said in his mind was a compliment and a current observation. Sigh. 

Another wicked rumor is that and we're all going to eventually die. So my friends we need to make the most of today, revel in life and as my sister says, "carpe them diems". Seizing upon this though and knowing that this the last gasps of summer, we took a mini vacation and had a delightful day yesterday. It ended in a lovely encounter.

My husband and I hopped on our bikes and jumped on the ferry to ride around on another small island. Enroute we encountered a couple of humpbacked whales and sat with two good friends on the ferry enjoying the trip. And this wasn't, for me, the high point of the journey. 

 We then biked about twenty miles through forests and next to beaches grateful for the smoke free experience. Forest fires are still raging in the NW but our area is finally free of the smoke. After our ride we stopped off at a small general store on the island that also served lunch. Reuben sandwich for me, [I tend to only order things in a restaurant that I would never make at home], my husband had the seafood chowder and a salad and we split the lot between us. A delightful repast. That wasn't the high point either.   Waiting for the tiny ferry to take us back to the mainland was a good time to reflect on the ride, the views, the trees we encountered. Lovely but still not the high point.

We barely made it back to our own ferry, within minutes of departure. Upstairs on the ferry we plunked ourselves down, and sat separately because I like sitting in the sun and Mr. G finds it hot and annoying. After awhile, I too was cooking and went over to him and said, "I'm going for a stroll, care to join me?" "No, I'm pretty comfortable here...have at it." So I did my perambulation around deck on the outside of the ferry, quite breezy but it felt just great on this beautiful warm day amid the azure sky, lightly clouded with the abundant seagulls whirling overhead. That was not the high point either. 

The ferry ride almost at an end, I came back to my booth and was sitting reading my magazine when a lovely older woman [an older woman is defined as anyone at least 10 years older than me], came up to me. "Is that your husband?" she said pointing to Mr.G in the booth across the way. "Yes he is." Smiling warmly she said, "I just want to tell you that he looked at you twice." I took both of her hands in mine, now both of us smiling. This gracious woman knew how much it would mean to me that behind my back, and without my knowledge, my husband was giving me an appreciative once over, or in this case twice over. I thanked her profusely for her kindness. And that my friends was the highlight of a perfect day. 

What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?          Jean-Jacques Rousseau

This simple interaction took less than two minutes but I'll tell you I can't wait to pay it forward. It's widely touted to do simple acts, random acts, of kindness. What is rarely talked about is being on the receiving end. It was the highlight and when I told Mr. G what she said, he doesn't blush, but he smiled and looked down on me [he is more that a foot taller than me] with such love. 

susansmagicfeather copyright 2018 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved 

Fixing the Party and Having Fun Doing So

A wise owl told me

"Democracy has to be born anew every generation and education is its midwife." -- John Dewey

Why I proudly choose to be a Democrat in these difficult times is for the simple reason this is the party that has compassion and cares about all the people, the party of inclusiveness. But rather than all of us talking and complaining about this abysmal presidency we need to do something to combat all the bigotry.   We need protective measures.         

The smart thing to do at an Eclipse is to wear protective attractive glasses

I believe:

Loving is Doing.                                                               

 It is a great honor to be in an organization that seeks to bring people together in harmony and love and works for the good of all the people. That in essence is how I see the Democratic party at it's finest. 

Alas, it's a human organization and naturally is riddled with flaws. Upon close, caring examination it's obvious it's the Democratic party that could lead us out of this disastrous administration's agenda which is all about power, greed, destruction of the environment, and cruelty to children and women. 

I am hoping that wisdom and goodness can prevail and here in our small county and in our grand country we can learn to be more flexible and be willing to support our Democrats that are running for office in 2018. I fear sabotage of their efforts because their agenda is not liberal enough, not progressive enough.  D's need all the help we can get and swiping at each other is playing right into the Republican's hands. They would like nothing better than a fracturing in the Democratic organization. Rigidity is one way that can ruin and fracture us.

I'm concerned and so I ask you to consider that the word "progressive" has become a code word for a certain agenda. Just last fall in our little county we were trying to endorse candidates, there was spirited debate. At one point it looked to my horror that Patty Murray was not going to be endorsed. Finally, the votes were counted and Patty Murray was endorsed.  Sincerely, do you know of a better advocate for women and children? Then please appreciate how gutsy Patty Murray has been standing up to this ignorant administration. And there was talk of not endorsing her!? That's where the canker gnaws. Perhaps she didn't think the time was right for single payer health care, or doubted the math for figuring out the cost of Medicare for all. Perhaps she didn't rally around 110% free college tuition, does that truly negate all of the stunningly hard good work she has done for this country?

sign me up for the high jinx rallies

I guess part of me wants so badly to defeat the prejudice, the bigotry, the meanness of this administration that I don't want to see a descent into talk of a 3rd party which I hope to God you all can see is the kiss of death for our party, again. Instead couldn't we all agree that we have a common enemy: #45 and the obtuse people that are too cowardly to stand up for his immaturity and nonsense. Couldn't we all have rallies with costumes and make fun of the  bigoted ones? They do that in Germany, dress as clowns and make fun of the Neo Nazis. High time we started that movement.

Other than that I am fine with all of the wrangling about procedure rules, by laws, who does what in the organizations across the country. I truly believe the small in fighting as far less important than the agreement that we will support our hard working Democrats who have a chance of taking back the Senate and a wild card shot at the house in 2018. Go in peace oh yea hopefuls of bringing intelligence and sanity back to our nation.
Amen

susansmagicfeather 2018 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Applying the Golden Rule

 .

The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it's your move.                                                Doug Larsen

I am myself plus my circumstances.                           William Carlos Williams

the many forms of love includes beloved sisters

Years prior to becoming a psychotherapist one of my family members taught me the essence of being an excellent therapist. She had gone to someone who was a Freudian and when she spilled out all her pain and grief about her current situation he merely listened and took notes. Afterwords she said, "I'm never going there again, he didn't offer me one kind word or say anything. What a waste of time." I vowed I'd be that kind of a therapist who responded with compassion and in addition I would be the kind of therapist who offered solutions. 

I was a psychotherapist for many decades and loved my work and furthermore unabashedly loved my clients. I was cautioned not to do this loving bit because when I started out in the business in the 70's the Freudian method of distance and noncommittal answers and questions were the go-to doctrine. You needed to believe in and then follow religiously an air of "I hear you but I can't get overly concerned/attached to you because you are my patient". Of course that was utter crap. There is another way, loving detachment. You can love someone and not become enmeshed in their difficulties.

Did these therapists really believe that there's a finite amount of love to go around in this world? I found you can love the client respectfully and then let go. I realized that to absorb their problems and worry about them was in fact an intrusive act. Their problems were not my problems and the clients needed an objective second opinion on their thoughts and proposed solutions. Along the way, I learned some good methods to be caring and concerned without enmeshment in my client's problems. 

I believed in firmly, graciously, gently telling clients the truth. I learned this from a mistake I made when I first started counseling. I had a client, Bella* who came to me because she suspected her husband was having an affair. Unbeknownst to her I was seeing the woman, Mable* that her husband was having an affair with. I tried to not say anything and even suggested that she not go to a meeting where I knew the Mable would be. Big mistake. As soon Bella figured out I was shielding these women from each other she was justifiably furious with me. Sin of omission or manipulation? Regardless, I should have referred Bella to someone who was not entangled in this mess. In my defense there were very few good female therapists available at the time. But really this was an error of judgement. 

Other counseling errors in judgement are written about as articles of fiction. Many people love the book by Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides and in it he gave a glaring example of how not to relate to a client. In the book the therapist falls in love with her client's brother, sex included. Duh. Bad idea. Conroy naively justified this relationship as OK because he has the therapist rationalize "he really wasn't a client but merely a consultant about Savannah [his sister]". Made my skin crawl. Another famous therapist, Yalom wrote [hopefully it was fiction] about his attraction to a few of his women clients. Please! If someone is coming to you for help and you feel attracted, you don't come on to them, you refer them on. Otherwise where is the clear headed objectivity in assisting the client with solutions to their life problems?

What was helpful in my brand of counseling [definitely not Freudian] was that I'd face the client directly. I'd stare intently into their face as I memorized their history. Don't ask me why, but this cemented in my brain the memories of their story. To this day I can recall many, many of my client's history. Always, I found their history valuable in assisting them with any problem they'd brought to the session. I'd also tell them, based on my many years of study, experience and research exactly what solutions I thought would best suit their situation. 

Here is an example.  Years ago Billy* came to me shortly after his son was born. Billy was in agony over the fact that "the baby might not be mine". We talked for awhile and I realized he not only didn't trust his wife, he didn't really like her although he did love her. Then along comes this second child that may not be his. He was not bonding and was ignoring the baby.  I asked him, "even if this is true, is this the baby's fault?" At this point he covered his face with his hands and burst into wracking sobs. I said, "you've got a great opportunity to bond with a darling, innocent boy, please don't waste this chance." He did bond with his son, even though the marriage didn't last. I was especially glad because he had ten years with this beloved child and then sadly Billy died far too young. 

This is the best of the Golden Rule, and in my counseling I tried to be scrupulous about doing unto to others as I would like them to do unto me. Kindness doesn't cost a cent, I always say and there could be so much more of this in the world. Join me and trillion others in the unfunded by highly successful kindness movement. Thanks for reading.

*As usual the names are entirely fictional. susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.

The Other Part of Motherhood

Present politics of today are being, again, run by men that have absolutely no interest in the health and well being of more than half of their constituents: the women of the USA. This callousness, this insensitivity is something that we women have been fighting since the early sixties. The current group of Republicans in the House and Senate are proof positive that misogyny rules. They want to go back to restricting a woman's right to choose, to take away access to birth control especially for poor women and restrict medicare for the poorest among us, the elderly women. Is this just stupidity or just plain meanness?

Women have a right to privacy with their bodies

Love one another.  Jesus

This is a sculpture of grief. Held aloft by all these people is a dead  baby.

In 1975 I had a stillborn baby girl, we named her Sarah Emily. It was a difficult pregnancy and I suffered through it with the naive hope that everything would be worth it when I held that baby in my arms. Since we had two sons Sarah was a very wanted and longed for baby girl. Then the disaster happened, she died prior to the induced birth and I was a grieving mess for quite a while.

Here's where it gets more pertinent to what is going on today.  I got up my courage and we tried again and in 1977 I had another pregnancy. Sadly, it also ended when the baby boy died in utero. I didn't want to carry around a dead baby inside of me and very fortunate for me I was able to have a therapeutic abortion. Would this happen with the current climate of restrictions looming out there now? I believe not. I know it would have been made imminently more complicated if the current recommendations for the new ACA were enacted.

Imagine, if you dare, what it would feel like to have a painful and disastrous pregnancy and then be told that nothing could be done about you carrying a dead fetus? The argument might run along the lines, "we believe that there may be a slight chance that the fetus is viable". The importance is shifted from me, my grief and reality to the viability of the fetus. Wonder if I did give birth to the tiny one inside me and his health was very, very compromised? Would there be any assistance in his life because of numerous preexisting conditions? I see that the men who are in favor of the new restrictions on women's health care are truly not interested in women or in any child that is born, but in controlling the woman's body. Privacy between a woman and her Doctor? Forget it. If only men could get pregnant...

What did happened to me: we did find out through more sophisticated blood work that Mr. G and I have a blood incapability very similar to the RH factor, it is the Kell factor. Our little babies were dying internally by my body attacking their blood. How incredibly lucky it is for us that we have two sons! How sad that anyone should have to go through losing a child and how much worse it could have been for me and my family if there was some stiff opposition to what I wanted for my body which was to end the pregnancy. I was given a choice, to carry that little girl and that little boy until nature took its course. I chose to end the pregnancies with medical intervention. You might ask yourself, why are these political men gleefully causing suffering to their female constituents? Trust me and all the families who have lost children, losing a child to stillbirth or miscarriage is stunningly difficult.

Happily for me and my family, many of our friends rallied and the boys were well taken care of. I in turn went on to learn from my suffering and my grief and was able to help others who had similar losses in their lives. I then became a full time counselor for over thirty years. As awful as these losses were grief added to my depth of understanding for my work.

One  of the joys of my life is having good relationships with all my family. I have a very special relationship to my "nieces to pieces". I have so many wonderful young women in my life and then the wonderful bonus of granddaughters. So gratitude after all is what life is all about.

May all of you who have suffered find comfort and some peace. I send you love and hope.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

When We Sanctify Our Lives

Knowing is not enough, we must do. Thinking is not enough, we must act.                                                     Susan R. Grout

at the Earth day rally

One of the most interesting and challenging parts of the life we lead is trying to be a good, loving and responsible person in all our choices. Here are some questions that I've been rolling around in my head for a long time.

1. Do you have to be constantly in prayer to have a good and holy life?
2. If you're frequently on a computer or cell phone are you missing out?
3. Is it harmful to be on my phone all the time?
4. Do you have to tithe to a church to be promoting holiness?
5. What exactly is necessary to be a good person every day?
6. How can everything be sacred when there's so much trash?
7. Why do we ever allow junk in our lives? 
8. How can we have more time to ensure we're contributing the goodness of our society?
9. How can we effectively combat the people who are actively destroying the environment?
10. What is the most effective way to approach people who are abusive to others? to the earth?
11. Can you have a close relationship with your community without sacrificing some privacy?
12. How does "love one another" get supported in churches who are against homosexuals, feminists, people of color, transgender people?
13. How can we better accept people who have radically different viewpoints from us?
14. Can we promote radical kindness and generosity through doing more volunteer work?

I seriously thought about doing an entire post on the above questions and let each of you contemplate exactly what your answers were to the posed questions. You could stop right here and answer all the questions for yourself. But then I decided that was unfair and if I'm going to blog about philosophy and therapy I need to answer my own questions. Here goes.

1. Do you have to be constantly praying or being prayerful? No if you are completely content with the way things are going in your life and with others. No if you prefer to have a mantra or have a running internal dialogue with positive affirmations and you meditate frequently. Yes if it feels wimpy not to have a solid spiritual base and you want to have a close relationship with a higher power. Yes if the word constant is modified to be often. Personally I find having a spiritual center gives great meaning to every day life, I like the word 'often' always is too demanding..

2. If you're frequently on machines are you missing out on life?  A young woman smarter than myself stated, "I think cell phone usage is like what we thought about smoking 20 years ago. We know it's bad for us but it's hard to stop."  One of the most aggravating things I see about cell phones is the phones are no longer just for convenience of communication. Today, if we're honest phones have become playgrounds for young and old. Most distressingly I see parents paying absolutely no attention to their children but are on their phones constantly. Important business? No, mostly nonsense. This is going to come back to bite them. Just wait until their kids are old enough to spend most of their time on the cell phones. Precious interactions lost.

3. Is it harmful for any of us to be on my phone all the time? I would like to side stepping the entire lethality issue but I can't. Once my husband and I were driving on I-5 and a woman in the car next to us was texting and swerved into a lane in front of us and the man in the car to her right was driven off the road into a ditch. Oblivious and still on her phone, she never even knew he went into the ditch. When we called the sheriff he said, "this happens all the time, did you get her license number?" We hadn't and so no consequences for the texter, huge ones for her victim.  The amount of time you can look away from the road while driving is tested to be 2 seconds.

4. Do you have to tithe to a church to promote holiness? The bigger question is what is your church doing constructively to promote goodness for our planet and it's people? Contributions that in turn promote good for many win hands down as far as I can tell. Even if your church is the great out-of -doors, does that organization you support contribute to the holiness/goodness in all of us?

 5. Be a good person on a daily basis. How? St. Augustine said it best, "if you are loving and diligent, you can do whatever you want." Loving means action not just thinking. What acts can you do on a daily basis to help our earth and/or another human being?  Can you make a daily pledge to show up and be kind to everyone you meet? Diligence requires that you assess what is necessary for you to enable you to be the best possible citizen this world has to offer. That can be volunteer work, care giving, contributions to causes that hold goodness as one of their values.

6. Do you have things and people that are sacred in your life?  Have you rid yourself of trash and garbage so that you are surrounded by only what is beautiful and pleasing? Are the people in your life ones who bring out the very best in you, who elevate your thinking?

7. Can we eliminate people and things that bring us down?  Any therapist worth their philosophy will tell you to encourage joy by being joyful and side step the people or ideas or things that seek to interfere with that.

8. How can we have more time for volunteering for the good of our communities?  One huge hint: turn off the machines. Less time on the cell phones, computers, TV and movies can stretch out the day and night impressively. Try it. Then what are you going to do with all of those extra hours? It is a new fad that young people are proud of saying No! to volunteering. Then the "me" time is usually with their machines....I read and often follow the advice to have a tech free day, says she writing on her computer.

9. What can we do about the people, organizations who are actively destroying the environment? Fight. Get active and get educated. Upset that there is a threat to clean air and clean water? Write letters, call your congressman, show up for demonstrations, vote out of office people who are complicit in destroying this planet.

10. What is the best way to handle abusive people who are bullies? I encourage people to speak up and do so with an advocate by your side to let the bullies know that their behavior will not be tolerated and you won't be quiet about it.

11. How can you have a close community without sacrificing any privacy? You really can't. You can have some privacy, but not lots if you desire closeness with your fellow humans.

12. How does "love one another" get supported in churches who are against homosexuals, feminists, people of color, transgender people? The only words we know for a fact that Jesus uttered is "love one another". If you suspect that your church or congregation is homophobic, intolerant or racist how can they be following that loving principle? Not possible.  Find a group that really does love and actively participate in promoting the goodness therein for all people.

13. How can we accept radically different viewpoints? Ah, I am going to use a newly defined 'dirty word': be liberal minded, be open minded and open hearted. Realize and  know if  there is veiled racism or bigotry you are allowed to say how disappointed you are. Fighting bigotry is an active ongoing posture, not a passive one.

14. On promoting radical kindness and generosity, you have to be the one who is out there dedicating your life to being kind and generous. The easiest way is to volunteer your time. As noted you will have so much more time if you put down the phone and the machines.

Please note: none of this is directed at the people who are working two or three jobs just to stay afloat. However, if you know someone in that position, offer a helping hand or even cash. It's good and holy.

Expect to work hard for goodness, kindness and to save the earth. As Bob Marley said, "the evil doers in this world never take a day off, so how can I?"

susansmagicfeather copyright 2022 Susan R. Grout 

The leucistic robin who visited us this spring, it felt like a small miracle. 

The Fortunate Mother

I am a fortunate mother, I think about this all the time especially around Mother's Day. We've been blessed with two fabulous, loving sons who then brought to us these incredible families and four beloved grandchildren. As I write this I'm thinking back to the times when our sons were little and under my wing. I realize that I had a better grasp of my son's thoughts, dreams, desires and wishes when they were those dear little boys of ours. I also realize that it's natural for our boys to differentiate from their parents. This is true for sons and for daughters too. It's healthy to become your own person though truthfully part of me misses the more intimate involvement. Hence, most of the stories below will be from the time they were tiny to about ten years old. More later!  I'll share some of the funnier stories from their past, the "boys" might wish I hadn't but 'still she persisted'.

I always wanted children, lots of them.  Dick was as delighted as I at first my pregnancy and the birth of Zachary Ethan Grout forty seven years ago. Because he was our first we had no idea how fortunate we were to have such a handsome, healthy, good natured child. Zachary was smart, very early to talk, and on schedule with everything that most babies do. He was delightful and I thrived on being a mom. Then drama. When Zach was only eight months old I had a horrible miscarriage and ended up U of Washington hospital for three days because I almost died of a staff infection. [Another story...http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2011/03/nde-near-death-experience-and-carrying.html]
The experience changed me, rattled me, but one happy consequence, D had a chance to be very close to Zach with days of the mothering role and their relationship blossomed and was sweet.

We had Zachary in Seattle but this was the time of the Boeing bust and "will the last person out of Seattle please turn off the lights".  No work for the newly graduated D so when he got the job offer, we moved to Boise, Idaho. Nothing but glamour for us...

Here's a few of the comments about and from Zach from the inadequately kept [by me, sorry guys...] baby book for the boys: "I'm worried about Z's growth, thinking he won't be tall." [he's well over six feet tall] Zach is an incredible climber and did so out of his crib before he could walk. Someone suggested we put a net over his bed.

One of Zach's first sentences, "that pisses me off." Where did he get that? Zach, at two years old had an inherent honesty about him and once when I was napping he came to his father and said, "I didn't take any cookies, did I Dad", [the evidence of the obviously stolen cookies: a chair pushed up to the counter]. Also at age two he climbed our backyard fence as I, inside the house overheard that distinct rattle, rattle, rattle punctuated by, "funtastic, I did it!"  Although I was very pregnant with Josh I ran to retrieve the escapee. Josh was born when Z was two and a half and eventually he had fun making the baby in the infant seat smile by talking to him and showing Josh his toys. More fun when the little brother could respond.

Dick's boss took a job in the San Juan Islands and hired D to go with him to found the S.J. Islands Planning Department and so we moved again to the islands. This time to our permanent home. Having a brother is built in companionship and Z and J used to entertain us with "the Bonzini brothers" doing tricks for us every night in the living room with the overturned furniture and cardboard boxes.  San Juan Island is where Z really learned about friendships at our co operative preschool. At the age of four, he was reading all of the names of the kids in his preschool class to help the teacher. Christmas time he came home from preschool and asked me, "when are we going to be making spirits bright Mom?" and "Goodness is God's last name." When Josh exclaimed to Dick's boss Bob McAbee that "I'm two and a half!" Z with a sly grin said, "I knew him when he was two." One night Zach was late playing outside and D was calling and calling for him. Soon he came strolling up the driveway and D said, "Zachary why didn't you come when I called you?" to which Z answered, "I didn't hear you til the third time."

Our house in town had a staircase with a partial wall at the top of the stairs. There the boys [Z age 5 and Josh age 3] drew some lovely pictures of people and trees. I said, "Zachary! you know you're not supposed to draw on the walls."  Z  "I didn't it was Josh! see there's where he wrote his name." Me "Zach, Josh can't write." When he was six we overheard a conversation Zach had with his little brother,  "when you grow up you'll be a man." Josh "I don't want to be a man I want to be a boy." Z: "A man is a boy, Josh, except a thirty year old doesn't play."

Zachary was a well liked boy and had an easy time in school. We had built and moved into our new house when he was eight and I, cruel mother, made the boys make their own lunches and walk the mile home from the school bus. For this I am now grateful as they are independent and capable. They were strictly forbidden to watch TV more than 4 hours a week. Ah but on their own at home after the long walk each day "Gilligan's Island" called. Truthfully, we didn't care. To choose their 4 hours of TV a week required studying the TV guide and negotiations for shows. We all have our standards and limiting the TV served us well, more time as a family.

Even though on Facebook Joshua Elias Grout claims to have been born in 1902, he was in fact born in 1972, a very welcome addition to our little family. He'd obviously sucked his thumb in utero because he was sucking that thumb only hours after he was born. Another cute thing he did was to hold his eyes open to their max when we sat him up. Brought a smile to everyone's face to see this smiley, wide eyed baby. He was the kind of baby you could plop in an infant seat and he'd be happy watching the world go by. Josh wanted to do and be everything that Zach could do. Therefore  he "crawled" on his hands and feet and walked when he was nine months old. Gasp.

When Josh was one years old we moved to SJI.  I babysat for a friend, Cathy E. Sam and Josh E. were almost exactly our boys ages and I enjoyed them and this lead to nicely creating life long friends for Z and J. Josh was always physically active and also developed a good vocabulary early on. The one thing that I noticed was at age three he could count up to 20 but he didn't know his colors. We figured out that he was probably color blind as it was prevalent in a couple of my uncles.

From the baby book: Josh was always very affectionate and in the house in town after D had gotten the boys ready for bed Josh would walk down each stair saying, "I wove you, I wove you" to me. Makes me teary and tickled to remember that. Josh was enamored of his brother and also the big kids on the block who he followed around like a puppy. This had consequences. My Grandmother, GG was ill and I was very concerned. Vail age 5 helped Josh then almost 3, make a card for GG which I found.  I opened it up and there was 'writing' on it. I said to Josh, "what does this say?" Josh holding the card says  "Ah, it says, fuck you."

We had an oil heater and didn't want the boys playing next to it, it was hot. I was upstairs and heard them in that room through the floor grate. I yelled down, "whoever is in that back room better get out!" and he answered, "no one down here can hear you."

Zach convinced Josh that a hard hat their father owned was a 'cowboy hat'. Josh would wear it on his head and say "MOO!"  I used to take the boys on trips when D had to work. We'd go to Olympia and we'd go visit Sally and Dirk. This was the era when filling your own gas tank was new and novel. I filled the tank, proud of myself, and blithely drove down the road until I heard something on top of the car. Not wanting to swear, in deference to the boys I said, "God Bless America!" stopped the car and fetched the cap off the top.  Josh told his Dad about it later and said, "when Mom said God bless America I thought she'd runned over a baby eagle."

Lucky me, we raised these boys on an island, in our own house with lots of room to run around, close enough to friends that they could walk to see. Both of them loved to be outdoors, loved sports and had good friends. These boys were good sports and good companions which made life pleasant for a mother. This was true even when I was going through very rough times. [the stillborn Sarah Emily in 1975 and the last pregnancy which was unsuccessful and resulted in a therapeutic abortion in 1977.] The boys were so affectionate and caring, even when they didn't really grasp what was going on with me. Every family has difficult times and grief can interrupt even the most stalwart among us.

We didn't hover over the boys and I'm quite sure we never monitored their school work, trusting that they would remain good students as they were both so bright. I trusted their judgement which when they became teens which wasn't always the wisest move. As I said, more later!

This is my Mother's Day gift to myself. Reveling in the joys of the boys.
X0

My Favorite Husband

what could be more important than to enjoy the ride together?

The golden rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it's your move.         Doug Larson

How was I so fortunate to met and then agree to marry my husband of almost fifty years? My guess is it was about 50% luck, 40% knowledge and 10% gut feeling. This ratio has served me well. One of the things that I'd tell clients when I was counseling, was "choosing a life partner is only one part a heart choice. The other two parts involve the head [the intellect] and the gut." Many people are willing to dismiss a person's history when choosing a mate because they feel so in love and for that I'd caution, "watch their actions, not their words." Some questions that I'd ask, "are they still friends with their exes, are they on good terms with their families, are they unfailingly kind, how do you feel when you're around them?" These are important questions and not to be overlooked. Here are the exceptions: when there is emotional or physical abuse, the person may have made a wise choice not to be involved with their exes. Same goes for those who are unfortunately from abusive homes, perhaps distance can be the best healer. The most important components are the unfailing kindness, the friends that she/ he has acquired and the messages you get from your gut about the person.

When I met my husband, I was a very naive nineteen year old sophomore in college. I'd been to an all girls Catholic high school and was backwards in my attitudes toward dating. I didn't date a lot in high school and since my family was comprised of many females, having only one younger brother eight years my junior, I wasn't that savvy about men. So Freshman year, when seemingly "nice" young men approached me I assumed that they were fine. Happily for me it took only a couple of insincere jerks who asked me out and then stood me up, for me to figure out the "watch their actions" part of the equation. Also as a Freshman, far from home and family, I was so scared I wouldn't do well academically I became a bookworm and spent copious hours sequestered in the library. How on earth did this mole come out of her hole?  Sophomore year.

  Men seldom make passes at female smart-asses.                                                                  Letty Cottin Pogrebin

Coming from an all girls high school did have distinct advantages: I considered myself an intellectual equal to all the young men I met. It never occurred to me to hide my intelligence.  I frequently raised my hand in class, answered and asked questions of the professors. To my way of thinking, who wouldn't? I found out. Most of the other young women wouldn't dare to ask or answer. They didn't want to upset the young men by being too inquisitive or bright. Silly but true. I also gravitated toward the young women who'd never dream of being in a sorority [and imagine that, I was never invited] and enjoyed being brainy and/or eccentric. Hence like seeks like.

My college friends were fun, witty, studious, kind and adventuresome. Naturally we were drawn to the guys who were similar in spirit. At the first dance in the fall Sophomore year I danced with a good friend from freshman year. Tom introduced me to this handsome, rowdy, funny friend of his, Dick. I was dating several young men at the time and when I say dating I do mean in the most platonic method of dating possible: movies, dinner out, walking home from class. So I just added D to the rooster. I believe he was dating also but it was no big deal. We slowly got to know each other, studied together, went to the same parties, danced, and eventually lived just a couple of houses away from each other. Our friends clicked as did we, more and more. Best of all he made me laugh and I grew to respect his sharp intelligence and inherent kindness.

After a couple of years he asked me to marry him by inserting a diamond ring inside a box of Cracker Jacks as the prize inside. He knew I was a sucker for Cracker Jack. We went home to my parents for Christmas and announced to them that we were engaged. Their mouths fell open. Mind you this is from the woman who was still able to sneak into the movies as a 12 years old. Now I understand their shock. Then I said in a squeaky voice, "aren't you happy for us?" and they quickly thawed and we celebrated.  Both of my parents absolutely loved him and relished our visits.

the grands think he's funny too

too much fun prior to dinner out with the grands

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage also is need to do what is right.       Arthur Dobbin 

Thank God I came to appreciate Richard Grout's complexity because I shudder to think if I had passed him by. I would have missed out on an extraordinary man.

This is the man who has loved me despite my being just the teeniest bit difficult and opinionated.
This is the man who was my ally in joy with the birth and then raising of our beloved sons.
This is the man who has grieved with me over all the deaths great and small that inevitably come with life and age.
This is the man who took such extraordinary care of me through the miscarriages, our stillborn daughter, the hip surgery, etc. I have never once heard him complain about all the care taking.
This is a man who put his enormous grief aside when my father suddenly died at age 67 of a heart attack and got 17 of us on the same plane to Chicago.
This is the man who tirelessly worked to save the earth, to promote good people into political office, to shepherd with love and respect all who have worked for him.
This is the man who chosen to work with the Department of Ecology for his career instead of the private sector for at least double [triple?] the pay because he believed in the good he was doing.
This is a man who touchingly coached all of his staff through recovery after the horror of the pipeline that blew up in '99 in Bellingham killing four children.
This is the man who as characterized by mother, "Dick is such a fine person, what a blessing he's been in all our lives."
This is a man who wholeheartedly embraces grand parenting and relishes the day to day details of our grand's lives.
This is the man who is the 'go to' for our sons when they have questions about their lives.
This is the man who has been my only husband but has been the most excellent and dear husband any woman could ask for.

Richard, Mr. G, still makes me laugh, we have such fun together, we are worthy opponents in a battle of wills, partners in joy, we love and are loved and that makes all the difference.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout  all rights reserved

Our Bother

Thanksjuning 2016

Marital bliss improves anyone's outlook on life

As many of you know a house full of girls is a house full of high jinx and noise so when our baby brother was born we were all delighted by the novelty. Peeing straight up! Trisha got the brunt of that! A huge baby who was calm and content.

Being the last of six kids, Bobby got only some attention from the busy parents but he was the recipient of many buggy rides and dress ups from his older sisters. We all doted on him. This huge new brother.

He got a nick name when I went to camp. As a little boy, Bob sent a letter to me and signed it, "your bother Bob".   Hence forth, bother Bob.

Because Bob was nine when I left for college and thirteen when I got married, I wasn't around for most of his young years. What I do remember is this: we were all home for the summer it was hot, we were in the Glencoe house and Bob was maybe ten years old. He, for reasons unknown, decided to dress as "Stupid man". Bob had his shoes on the wrong feet, clothes on backwards or inside out, zippers unzipped. Mom was giving a party and sent Bob down the basement to get a watermelon out of the downstairs refrigerator. As he descended the stairs Mom called out, "whatever you do, don't drop the watermelon." Coming upstairs, KERPLOP! Stupid man must have tripped.

I know Bob had many neighborhood friends and they were endlessly making weapons in our backyard. Some of these now respectable gentlemen are still in touch with Bob and came to Mom's memorial.

No one who cooks cooks alone.  Even at her/his most solitary a cook in the kitchen is surrounded by generations of cooks past, the advice and menus of cooks present, the wisdom of the cookbook writer.     Laurie Colwin

Do not make a stingy sandwich; pile the cold-cuts high; customers should see the salami coming through the rye.                            Allen Sherman

Bob moved out to Hollywood Ca. worked in various restaurants and really honed his cooking skills.
Bob is a great cook and as a matter of fact that was one of the things that enticed his darling wife Senja to marry him. She said, "I was talking about Ricketts who I'd been dating and my girlfriends said, 'marry Ricketts, he can cook'!" Easy peasey.

After awhile he married our lovely sister in law Senja and they eventually bought the house in which Senja grew up. Lucky for all of us because one of the grand traditions in which my siblings and I participate is going to their house in June for "Thanksjuning". This started because Bob wanted us to come for Thanksgiving and we said, "won't work Bob we have these big families." So, Thanksjuning was born and is always a joyous occasion.

Bob does all of the cooking despite repeated attempts from the sisters to lighten the load. We do become sous chefs and we do sing in the kitchen, hopefully being entertaining.

Speaking of entertaining Bob is quite the excellent musician. He and his pal Tex formed "The Groovy Rednecks" which has been voted the best bar band in LA. for many years. He also plays with "Talking Treason" with Laura Smith whom we all love. So entertainment is a constant commodity in their house. When we're there we sing and play and eat, then sing and play and occasionally dance to their juke box. Fun R Us.

That is why we are grateful to have this generous bother Bob in our lives.

susansmagicfeather 2017 copyright Susan R. Grout all rights reserved