Applying the Golden Rule

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The Golden Rule is of no use to you unless you realize that it's your move.                                                Doug Larsen

I am myself plus my circumstances.                           William Carlos Williams

the many forms of love includes beloved sisters

Years prior to becoming a psychotherapist one of my family members taught me the essence of being an excellent therapist. She had gone to someone who was a Freudian and when she spilled out all her pain and grief about her current situation he merely listened and took notes. Afterwords she said, "I'm never going there again, he didn't offer me one kind word or say anything. What a waste of time." I vowed I'd be that kind of a therapist who responded with compassion and in addition I would be the kind of therapist who offered solutions. 

I was a psychotherapist for many decades and loved my work and furthermore unabashedly loved my clients. I was cautioned not to do this loving bit because when I started out in the business in the 70's the Freudian method of distance and noncommittal answers and questions were the go-to doctrine. You needed to believe in and then follow religiously an air of "I hear you but I can't get overly concerned/attached to you because you are my patient". Of course that was utter crap. There is another way, loving detachment. You can love someone and not become enmeshed in their difficulties.

Did these therapists really believe that there's a finite amount of love to go around in this world? I found you can love the client respectfully and then let go. I realized that to absorb their problems and worry about them was in fact an intrusive act. Their problems were not my problems and the clients needed an objective second opinion on their thoughts and proposed solutions. Along the way, I learned some good methods to be caring and concerned without enmeshment in my client's problems. 

I believed in firmly, graciously, gently telling clients the truth. I learned this from a mistake I made when I first started counseling. I had a client, Bella* who came to me because she suspected her husband was having an affair. Unbeknownst to her I was seeing the woman, Mable* that her husband was having an affair with. I tried to not say anything and even suggested that she not go to a meeting where I knew the Mable would be. Big mistake. As soon Bella figured out I was shielding these women from each other she was justifiably furious with me. Sin of omission or manipulation? Regardless, I should have referred Bella to someone who was not entangled in this mess. In my defense there were very few good female therapists available at the time. But really this was an error of judgement. 

Other counseling errors in judgement are written about as articles of fiction. Many people love the book by Pat Conroy, The Prince of Tides and in it he gave a glaring example of how not to relate to a client. In the book the therapist falls in love with her client's brother, sex included. Duh. Bad idea. Conroy naively justified this relationship as OK because he has the therapist rationalize "he really wasn't a client but merely a consultant about Savannah [his sister]". Made my skin crawl. Another famous therapist, Yalom wrote [hopefully it was fiction] about his attraction to a few of his women clients. Please! If someone is coming to you for help and you feel attracted, you don't come on to them, you refer them on. Otherwise where is the clear headed objectivity in assisting the client with solutions to their life problems?

What was helpful in my brand of counseling [definitely not Freudian] was that I'd face the client directly. I'd stare intently into their face as I memorized their history. Don't ask me why, but this cemented in my brain the memories of their story. To this day I can recall many, many of my client's history. Always, I found their history valuable in assisting them with any problem they'd brought to the session. I'd also tell them, based on my many years of study, experience and research exactly what solutions I thought would best suit their situation. 

Here is an example.  Years ago Billy* came to me shortly after his son was born. Billy was in agony over the fact that "the baby might not be mine". We talked for awhile and I realized he not only didn't trust his wife, he didn't really like her although he did love her. Then along comes this second child that may not be his. He was not bonding and was ignoring the baby.  I asked him, "even if this is true, is this the baby's fault?" At this point he covered his face with his hands and burst into wracking sobs. I said, "you've got a great opportunity to bond with a darling, innocent boy, please don't waste this chance." He did bond with his son, even though the marriage didn't last. I was especially glad because he had ten years with this beloved child and then sadly Billy died far too young. 

This is the best of the Golden Rule, and in my counseling I tried to be scrupulous about doing unto to others as I would like them to do unto me. Kindness doesn't cost a cent, I always say and there could be so much more of this in the world. Join me and trillion others in the unfunded by highly successful kindness movement. Thanks for reading.

*As usual the names are entirely fictional. susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.