I Was Right When I Said I was Wrong

Consider the lilies of the field, or at least the mums and cabbages...

You can be right or you can be happy. Choose.      Anonymous

Once upon a time, my husband and I overheard this conversation: nine year old son, "hey that's not true." Eleven year old son, "well, I was right when I said I was wrong." Since that fateful day Mr. G and I have used that expression to soften the blow of being completely in error. Try it, it works and it's funny to boot---two of my favorite actions.

Maturity, for most of us, is a process of aging if you pay attention to the lessons in life and do it well. For some of us, the process is hampered by rigidity, addiction and/or fear. These people, you know who they are, always have to be right. This is a drag to be around and worse to live with someone who's like this. At best it's an irritant and annoying, at worst it's incredibly disrespectful and frustrating. One remarkable similarity that most abusive people have is their rigidity and insistance on being right all of the time.

When someone is always right, it tends to wear the people around them down. Now, if this is a friend, it's considerably easier to outmaneuver them:

1. You can merely pretent to agree, decide that they are wrong and not get into it,
2. you can divert the conversation to something else,
3. you could choose to ignore them or
4. you could decide to politely state, "that's what you think, but I disagree" and let the matter drop.

If this is a good friend, one of these tactics usually works. If one of these suggestions doesn't work and the person doggedly pursues the topic ad nauseum, well, I'd look for another friend. Life is too short, as they say, but life can be deeper and wider and you won't find it with annoying people in your life. Simple solution...

Things get a bit more complicated when the person who is rigid/right is a relative and someone you have to deal with on a regular basis. Ugh, the dread of these interactions can weigh heavily on the heart. I recall one of the best interventions I ever witnessed. We were at a wedding and a relative [Scott] was being harrassed to debate politics with this other fellow [let's say his name was Tim]. Scott said, "sure Tim, I'll talk politics with you if you'll dance with me while we talk." This put the brakes on conversation because Tim, being a homophobe, jumped back, end of discussion! Scott so nicely handled what could have ruined his entire evening with aplomb and humor.  I strive for this kind of intervention in my own life.

So, wonder if you're married to one of these folks. That is one difficult situation and one of the tougher clients I deal with in couples' counseling. However, if someone has decided to come to counseling, they have already loosened the tight bolt on their issue of having to be right all the time. So, that in itself is helpful and hopeful. As therapy progresses, I try to find out why admission to error, being mistaken, being wrong is such a disgraceful or terrible thing for that person. Sad to say, usually the roots are in childhood and connected to a storehouse of shame the client is dragging around. Now here comes the shocker: so what. All of us have things that we are toting in our emotional back packs. The difference is that the rigid/right person has little to no incentive to change, because you can see their logic: they're right! Sometimes if divorce is threatened it can bring about change in that person if the damage hasn't been too severe in the relationship. One of the unfortunate truisms in couples counseling is by the time the partner can convince the rigid/right person that things are crucial, there's lots of accumulated damage. It takes a Herculean effort to turn this around and, most crucially, the right/rigid person has to realize this and be willing to change.

We have just emerged, thank God, from the season of frenzied politics. Did you notice that a bunch of the always right people came out of the woodwork screaming and yelling? This goes for the folks on the left as well as the right. Obviously what is needed here is flexibility, an honest ability to listen, reexamine their respective postions and a willingness to be open to the goodness that can flow from learning a new thing or two.

I give you the example of the NRA as the ultimate always right about guns. In 1996 Australia had a horrific slaughter of 15 people by a man who had an assault rifle. They banned assault weapons in that country and haven't had an incidence since then. Isn't it only logical that if assault weapons were banned we would have less carnage in this country? Notice I did not say anything about hand guns or hunting rifles because that would be an all or nothing approach. But some legislation makes sense.

Many years ago I had a client who said, "it took me years to say 'I was wrr-wrr-wrong!' but now I say it with humor and relish that I can admit my faults." As a selling point, it does feel better to acknowledge our errors. I suggest that we all put a little joy into other's live and admit when we're wrong. That's when the great line from AA comes into play, "when wrong promptly admit it" and I would add, put on your grown up pants and apologize for being wrong. It's respectful and refreshing.  
Soooo sing along:
R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to me.
A-P-O-L-O-G-Y find out what it means to me!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Letter to Pope Francis

Everyday people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce

I do benefits for all religions---I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.                Bob Hope

All religions are the same: basically guilt, with different holidays.               Cathy Ladman

Dear most promising and potentially loving Pope Francis,

In my most head bowed, humble request I'd like to implore you in the strongest language [without one swear word uttered] to please be a Pope for all the people of the world. 

If you do this, you could literally save lives. This saving lives was true of the "Pope of the People", the late, great Pope John the XXIII. Prior to becoming Pope in 1958, he valiantly, without constraint, saved the lives of hundred of thousands of Jews, the handicapped, and Gypsies from the Nazis prior to and during WWII. Your opportunity is at hand. Without constraint and quite simply, you could encourage the faithful and the faithless to use condoms. This could prevent the needless loss of life to AIDS throughout the world. Just by making this a health issue, not a moral problem, you'd literally save millions of lives. Think of it, millions of souls saved by saying a few words. Then, another reality to consider: if your faithful do acquire AIDS and die, they leave their children behind or worse infect them also. The condom helps prevent children from becoming orphans. I believe this is the strongest and most loving Christian act: to help children of the world live and enable adults to lead healthier lives.

Another point I'd like to see you address is truth and bravery in the Church. This is something that the Catholic Church [basically this is true of all fundamentalist religions] has been cowardly about. Please come out strong and hard on the men who inflict harm on their small brethren, the defiled innocents. Take a stand! Use your position to not only condemn but punish the pedophiles who have sexually and emotionally abused so many children. Incarceration and excomunication come to mind as appropriate responses. Be fearless and point the way to holiness, goodness and truth. Use your position for good, it's only right to get abuse out of the church.  

I am hoping in your work with the poor in South American and championing their plights and rights that you will recognize and honor the good works done by the Nuns of the world. Lately they have been unfairly [and ridiculously] villainized by the former Pope and our  bishop in Seattle. These women give succor and love to the least loved and cared for in the world and this is the epitome of goodness. In short, this ministering to the poor and downtrodden is what the Church should stand for. The Nuns generosity should be cherished, acknowledged and valued.

Finally, thank you from the bottom of my soul, for injecting hope into the heart of millions of Catholics who were walking, or even running away from the Church in disgust. Take the road that leads to the greater good for the most. Let all your actions and utterances be based on love. Love is all there is. After all, isn't that the only words that can be verified that Christ said, "love one and other". Fulfill his dream [and mine!], be loving to all the people. 
Yours sincerely in truth and justice, Susan R. Grout

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Reversing the Curse: Getting Unstuck

One of my favorite bodies in motion

The port to a new life is wide and open.

In my almost forty years of counseling one of the easiest things to do with clients is help them get unstuck from a repetitive problem. First I have to figure out what's preventing them from having the life they want. Then I go through the initial interview with the question, "what would you like to see changed in your life or in your relationships?" This is client directed therapy and I aim to partner with the client to enable them to change their life. That question is most revealing and a very good start.

Below is a partial list of how I see people gumming up their lives:

1. laziness and stagnancy 
2. lack of exercise and an improper diet
3. fear 
4. greed and/or stinginess
5. depression
6. addictions to drugs/alcohol
7. poor choices in relationships
8. guilt from real or imaged mistakes
9. too much time viewing TV/computers/cell phones/i pads etc.
10. meaninglessness
11. unwillingness or fear of change
12. self-loathing
13. anger and hatred of self or others
14. grudge holding
15. narrow mindedness
16. purposely failing so they stay stuck.

Defining what's impeding clients from leading this desired happier life is the first step and then it's a matter of 'reversing the curse'. Starting at the top of the list is a huge culprit, laziness. This is usually a difficult one for people to admit, but if in fact they've not moved much from the couch, either mentally, emotionally or physically in years, they need to consider that they might just be lazy. They aren't alone. Currently, we Americans, are 16th among developed countries in longevity and one of the root causes for our poor showing is lack of exercise and a poor diet [#2 on the hit parade].

Isaac Newton stated: a body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion. One of the truisms is that we're not in motion enough. The simple act of walking has become an ordeal for many and what's sad about that is, it compounds itself by creating the body at rest. Unsticking from laziness physically is analogous to trying to get dried up gum off the floor. There are many remedies to this sticky situation [pun irresistible] and all of them require effort. One way is to take a knife and pry it up, another is to apply ice and then scrape away. A jackhammer uses too much force and a gentle finger too little effort. But energy and the right amount of force will do the job. The same is true of laziness. It requires awareness, determination and then effort to get unstuck. Interestingly, energy expended begets energy. But you have to notice the gum on the floor--- then you have to want remove it. Otherwise there it sits.

You have to love whatever activity you choose.

Motivation to change and get moving has been described and re-described as though it is a mysterious process and yet it really isn't. Obviously if you hate a physical activity the reluctance and loathing will soon create the body at rest again. So pick something that you love to do. Since I was a little girl I've adored the freedom and the feeling of riding a bike. Naturally this is my number one go-to activity. When the weather is too crummy wind blowing a gale then walking and yoga are safer bets. If I'm lucky enough to be in a warmer climate then it's swimming and snorkeling. The commonality in all of these physical activities is that I love them and look forward to them.

Poor diet isn't all that complicated either: eat what is natural, avoid processed foods and keep your portions reasonable. The billions of dollars made on diet books that really could be pamphlets---but that's a deep dark secret that I've just uncovered. Two dear persons in our family recently lost 25 lbs. just by portion control and drinking 'lite' beer. Hey, everyone has their methods. It could be a book, The Lite Beer and Smaller Portions Diet, Try It!

The next part to laziness is mental laziness. I believe everyone agrees: there is so much work to be done cleaning up this world. Sadly there are so many able bodied and able minded people who choose to sit on the side lines and watch the world implode. This is the worst aspect of mental laziness. How on earth can we be a positive force in the world with inaction or apathy? We, the world's people, need all of our efforts to change the way things are being handled. We all need to clean up the environment, help our neighbors and the world's children who are due to inherit the mess we've made of things. The effort expended, through volunteer work or even writing a supportive check to a worthy cause, can contribute to the change we need to see in the world. If you will do this the positive action helps move you away from mental apathy. It also, even for selfish reasons, has been shown to . Agood recommendation to be altruistic.

Recently there have been a flurry of articles suggesting that learning something new, no matter what your age, can enhance your life, improve your quality of life, keep you sharp into old age and increase your life span.  For purely selfish reasons [endorphins calling] you could exercise and choose to learn something new each day. Some of the longest living people on the planet are active and life long learners. So, study what's important to you.  You can even study a new language from the couch! But be sure to get cracken', time's a wastin'.


Joyous activity begets more joyous activity.


susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved



Spouse Appreciation Day

My husband, Mr. G has been nothing short of magnificent throughout my recovery from the total hip replacement. His loving care and almost hovering concern allowed me to completely relax into recovery mode. It's not easy for me to accept a huge amount of help almost ever. There's a part of me that's independent to a fault and I bristle when someone is doing for me what I believe I can do for myself. This is illustrated by my walker story.

I was still using the walker ten days after the surgery. Mr. G was still getting up with me in the middle of the night when I had to clomp my way to the bathroom with the walker. I was sleeping downstairs in the TV room because at that point I couldn't handle the stairs. So we worked out a deal where I would call him from my cell phone to the house phone and he would come down and supervise me making my way to the toilet. One night on about the 11th day after surgery I awoke and thought, "this is silly, I can do this myself" and I clomped my way to the bathroom as quietly as possible. Then I clomped my way back and got into bed. Well, he heard me and, picture this, he came downstairs half naked, in just his Tshirt, still wearing his mouthguard. He was very annoyed with me and obviously concerned for my safety. He shook his finger and said, "You sshoudddn't get up by yourssthelf! I'm sstheriousth! You ssshhould'nt!" I tried to be grateful but he sounded so 'sthilly' I couldn't help it, I laughed so hard I almost fell out of bed.

Humor and the ability to see it in ordinary moments, makes for a great relationship.

There is always the mystery of why and how we were so fortunate to find each other and have such a loving relationship for well over 40 years. The truth is we are both stubborn, opinionated, have 'strong personalities', are sometimes argumentative know-it-alls, and these are just a few of our tragic flaws. On the other hand, he is the calm to my anxious, he is the logic to my shoot-from-the hip, he is the reasonable to my un, he is Mr. Consumer Reports to my snap decisions, he is the tall to my short, the philosophical to my worry-wart and the partner in crime to all my nutty ideas. In some respects, this relationship/marriage shouldn't work but oddly enough it does. Of course, great love for each other binds us together. That, and the ability to have a heated argument, be over with it in minutes, and sometimes laugh about it later. "I'm sstheriousth."

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Resilience, Flexibility and Commonsense

Inside of the ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong.                                 Muhammad Ali 

Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks and courage.                                   Charles Luckman

As you might imagine in my over 40 year history in the field of psychology I've met more than my share of people who came from difficult backgrounds and tough circumstances. Some of them stayed bonded to their old wounds and lived life looking backwards.  Others not only moved on, but thrived in their adult lives. Why? In a word, resiliency.

I am fascinated by resiliency. I find the topic irresistible and even made it a key item in my master's program. I revel in the client who's triumphant over incredible adversity. Like the client, Darla*, who's been successful in everything she touches: Motherhood, business, friends and husband. Darla had to raise her siblings from the age of 11 because her  mother contracted a debilitating form of cancer and was bed ridden. Sadly, her mother lingered for several years then died an agonizing death. The children listened to their mother from the other rooms in their small home.

Somehow, with grit and determination, after her mother died, Darla was able to go to a community college. Then, when her father remarried, she left the house to pursue a University education. Of course there were dark, difficult times. Darla had an incredible need to not feel tied down, understandable from her upbringing. However, she was bright and open to new adventures. When a perfectly delightful man came along she stayed with him and eventually married him despite her dread of commitment. That's when I came on the scene, when she was trying to decide if she should take the plunge into a permanent relationship. I used my multi question method and after she had satisfied all of the questions, she took the plunge and married.

I said, "Darla here are some of the questions that I want you to answer."

1. Does this person make sense to me?
2. Is he my intellectual equal or better?
3. Do we speak freely with one another and agree on most important values?
4. Am I attracted to him, emotionally, physically, and spiritually?
5. Does he make me laugh?
6. Do I feel safe and comfortable with him?
7. Would I trust him with a child?
8. Do I admire him?
9. Do my family and friends have the same good response to him?
10. What are my hunches about a future with him?
11. Is this the kind of person who can be a friend, go to bat for me, be someone who has my back?
12. Do I feel as passionate about him as he is about me?

In other words, the questions ask, what does not only my head, but my heart and my guts say about this person. If all three are in alignment, voila, you have a good chance for a life partner barring any gross fabrications. Darla had to be willing to give up her fear of commitment and let her commonsense about relationships aid her in her choice of a future husband.

The very good look of determination and resiliency.

I have found that the people who not only follow their heart but also pay attention to their head and guts do the best out in the wide world. They learn somehow to trust themselves. If they didn't get a boost at their home as children they did from other angels in their lives: grandparents, teachers, neighbors or relatives. The most resilient had the best breaks with loving siblings, teachers or relatives and really excellent capacities for flexibility---whatever life threw at them they'd grab it and deal.

Reach for the light in life

*a compilation of two clients

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Fantasize with Me for an Open-Minded Pope

The Pope has resigned and many of us "recovering Catholics" are cheering the news. Not that the Cardinals will elect anyone who is remotely open-minded or liberal, God forbid, but there is at least a chance. The reason that I have a seemingly ridiculous hope for a more liberal Pope is because I lived through the era when Pope John the XXIII [Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli] came to the throne and revolutionized the stodgy old, conservative church. He shook it up good.

Angelo Roncalli himself was surprised at being elected Pope. As a matter of fact he had a round trip ticket back to Venice--- that's how sure he was that he had no chance. Luckily for all of us he was elected in 10/28/1958 at the age of 77.

Due to his age, he was not expected to last long in his role as Pope, rather he was elected as a stop gap measure. Had anyone reviewed his record as a humanitarian I seriously doubt that they would have even temporarily elected him. But, interestingly, no one foresaw how he would become beloved in the entire world for his revolutionary ideas, his kindness and open-mindedness. 

John XXIII called the Second Vatican Council, something that had not been attempted for ninety years. Many good, forward changes came out of that Council, updating the church. It's amusing to me that the Church wouldn't have recognized that he was a fearless activist for human rights. The hierarchy of Catholic church tends to be against most human rights, and even today is apoplectic over the nuns helping the poor of the world, people choosing who they can marry, women as equals to men, and women's right to choose family planning. The current Pope was part of the Nazi's youth program which is ironic because John XXIII formally apologized to the Jews for the church's despicable behavior leading up to and after WWII. He said,

"We are conscious today that many, many centuries of blindness have cloaked our eyes so that we can no longer see the beauty of Thy chosen people nor recognise in their faces the features of our privileged brethren. We realize that the mark of Cain stands upon our foreheads. Across the centuries our brother Abel has lain in blood which we drew, or shed tears we caused by forgetting Thy love. Forgive us for the curse we falsely attached to their name as Jews. Forgive us for crucifying Thee a second time in their flesh. For we know what we did."

Out of Wikipedia I copied a few of the heroics of John XXIII did to save not only the Jews but others persecuted by the Nazis starting in 1935.

"As nuncio, Roncalli made various efforts during the Holocaust to save refugees, mostly Jewish people, from the Nazis. Among his efforts were:

• Jewish refugees who arrived in Istanbul and were assisted in going on to Palestine or other destinations
• Slovakian children managed to leave the country due to his interventions.
• Jewish refugees whose names were included on a list submitted by Rabbi Markus of Istanbul to Nuncio Roncalli.
• Jews held at Jasenovac concentration camp, near Stara Gradiška, were liberated as a result of his intervention.
• Bulgarian Jews who left Bulgaria, a result of his request to King Boris of Bulgaria
• Romanian Jews from Transnistria left Romania as a result of his intervention.
• Italian Jews helped by the Vatican as a result of his interventions
• Orphaned children of Transnistria on board a refugee ship that weighed anchor from Constanța to Istanbul, and later arriving in Palestine as a result of his interventions.
• Jews held at the Sered concentration camp who were spared from being deported to German death camps as a result of his intervention
• Hungarian Jews who saved themselves through their conversions to Christianity through the baptismal certificates sent by Nuncio Roncalli to the Hungarian Nuncio, Monsignor Angelo Rota.
• In 1944, during World War II, Pope Pius XII named him Apostolic Nuncio to France. In this capacity he had to negotiate the retirement of bishops who had collaborated with the German occupying power."

We have a church that not only tolerated pedophiles but until they were sued to bankruptcy in several cities, chose to hide these priests so they could abuse again. This is still the church that forbids any form of birth control including the condom. In some third world countries, pious Catholic men and women are having unprotected sex and dying from AIDS. Currently in Africa there are tens of thousands of children orphaned due to this epidemic. How can that be good and holy? Yet who is this church up in arms about? The Girl Scouts and the nuns.

By the way, technically, according to the rules of the church, any Catholic male can be Pope !  True, it's never happened before, usually only the Italian hierarchy, but my husband, Mr. G is busy dusting off his resume. Ah, men...

Is There Any Hope for the Pope?

Ah, the Pope he wears a dress-
says he'll excommunicate
any fag who's in drag
for in his position
it's competition
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the pope he lives alone-
peons serve him on a plate,
condemns all women from his throne,
for to him it's chillin'
if any woman is willin'
and he's learning to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope who lives alone-
has no women near his throne
so no female can ever bother
this very holey father
says it's Mary he adores
[though we've heard this all before]
and he's attempting to share his feelings.

Ah, the Pope he's never married,
disgusting thing to procreate,
children, babies make him harried,
though he needs them for his coffers
since there are no other offers
to get all the gold he can hold
and you're learning his true feelings.
Susan R. Grout               1995

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

A Manner of Healing

Prior to the operation I was leaning to one side and favoring my right leg.

After my total hip replacement operation in September,  I wanted to be on the fast track to healing so I could again partake in the things I love: hiking, biking, swimming and dancing. At first I would say to anyone who'd listen, "I just want to be able to walk". This particularly made sense to the people who saw me prior to surgery  and witnessed me dragging my leg behind me. Ouch in more ways than one. However, after surgery and being human, as soon as I masterred walking again I quickly added, "I'd like to hike three miles pain free, no props." Now in addition to walking, hiking, and swimming my new goal is yoga and dancing. Never satisfied or reaching for a new goal? I can't decide if this is striving and worthwhile or dissatifaction and forgetting to be grateful for the newly appreciated pain free pleasures in my life. At least I'm not adding marathons to my list.

Competition

By nature I am a competitive person. I really didn't believe I was until I entered a "fun run" in our town many years ago. Mind you when I entered this race, I didn't jog at all and I ran hardly ever but that didn't stop me from entering. When I started I internally declared "I'll have fun and take it easy." My then eight and ten year old sons were in the same race and I didn't expect to keep up with them and that was fine by me. I was so proud of my boys and wanted them to do well, as for me it was to be 'que sera sera'. Except that wasn't true. When older or heavier people passed me by I felt compelled to surpass their efforts. You do realize how absurd this was, I hadn't trained for five minutes for this race. Well, I finished the race in a not too embarrassing time. Lordy did I ever pay for it! I couldn't walk for several days and was miserable trying to get to sleep at night. By God, I showed those older, fatter people a thing or two didn't I? I bet they really cared. My family made fun of me forever ---as well they should.







 This above story brings me to my recovery from the hip surgery. Intellectually I got the concept that I should be reasonable and go at my own pace. Did I? No. It didn't help that people who'd had the surgery years before told me they were walking unaided by canes or walkers after only a couple of weeks. I kept asking myself, "why is my recovery so much slower than theirs?" If I'm being completely honest, it did bother me greatly. I asked my physical therapist about this and she said, "they probably don't accurately remember their recovery..." The only thing I could compare this to was child birth. No one would have a baby two or three weeks after giving birth and happily this is not biologically possible. But a year after the baby is born, the old hormones kick in and you've forgotten the pain because you have this great product. So I think it's the same with the recovery from surgery. You forget the nights that you suffered because you did too much during the day [me anyway], the muscles screaming at you right after the surgery, the difficulty of moving without pain. Now that I can walk, hike, swim I keep reaching for the next level. I am trying my best to be sensible and mostly I am but at least a once a week I push too vigorously and pay for it at night. OW!



A very important part in my recovery was the support of wonderful people and a special feline.





How wonderful it is to be on the other side of healing from my operation in September. A surprise bonus was that I [with sisters Sally and Trisha and husband Mr. G] went to Kauai and each day did lots of swimming and snorkeling in warm water. The advantage: it jet propelled my healing. Prior to Kauai I was walking with a cane or trekking poles for long walks and now I don't need these props. The freedom is remarkable and not anything I will ever again take for granted in my life. To all of you who struggle on a daily basis with walking, and with pain, my heart goes out to you. Don't do as I do and over exert, "be loving and diligent" as St. Augustine said and then you can do whatever you want.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Extraordinary Inspiration from the Ordinary

You've probably had an experience where you expect nothing special and something extraordinary occurs. Consider this. My darling sister and I were traveling together and she suggested that we could get mani/pedis in a small town 15 miles from where we were staying for a good price. Any of you who know me know that this is not something I would ordinarily think of, but what the hey, I was on vacation so I said, "let's do it."

We set out talking excitedly about all the wonderful things we had done on our trip to Kauai, the miles flew by and soon we were at our destination a very unremarkable looking nail salon. We plopped down in the lush massage chairs and punched the setting on the chair which made us look like we were doing a seated rhumba. I got assigned a rather severe looking woman who spoke very little English but was proficient if rather bored with her job. As she was doing a competent but uninspired massage to my toes, ankles and feet I glanced over at the man who was working on my sister. He was a perfect 3/4th scale model of a Buddhist monk. Clean-shaven with a sweet face and a very deferential manner---"K" was, by contrast, totally immersed in his work. He reverently touched my sister's leg. With his head bowed he loving and professionally embraced her foot starting his job. With each massage, he used a devotion usually reserved for newborns. T glanced at me in surprise then melted into her chair, closed her eyes and allowed the generosity of his spirit to fill the room. He slathered her with various potions, scrubbed her feet with brushes, rubbed and filed each toenail with exactitude. Each act was done in a way one expects of a Catholic priest at the Good Friday foot washing ceremony. I watched in awe, knowing how important and how justly deserving this was to T.

Next we moved to the hand area and again my efficient nail technician did a very dutiful job of applying the oils, massaging my hands and painting my nails. All the while in the next seat sat my sister, and K was applying tenderness and caring in each expert stroke. Then they were deep in conversation.  I couldn't hear what they were saying but at one point, T said something and K's eyes began to blink rapidly and he excused himself and went into the lounge to collect himself. I couldn't imagine what had transpired and I looked over at her and she mouthed, "I'll tell you later."

Soon K came back and resumed his attention to T and their tete a tete. I meanwhile was finished with the mani/pedi and put out to dry under the lights. T came a bit later and we left for our drive back to the condo.

I said, "first of all, what a tremendous job he did on you, I was truly impressed!"
T said, "I feel like I've had a spiritual experience. I was hoping you weren't too envious but then I decided to just go with it."
I said, "I so admired his devotion and seriousness and how he approached each task."
T said, "you don't know the half of it. He is an artist."
Then I asked, "what happened in there?"
T answered, "He has only been in Kauai for ten days and this is his second day on the job. He's from Vietnam and when I heard this something prompted me to say: 'my mother traveled there and said it was such a beautiful country."
K said, "It is though not everyone feels that way and thank you for saying so."
Then T continued "I am so deeply sorry for what my country did to your country. And that's when K's eyes filled with tears and he had to leave the room. He came back and said,
K-"I've never had this reaction before."

We drove for miles in silence, each of us pondering the profound experience T had--- in a nail salon of all places. The world can be rich, deep, moving, reverent and meaningful even in mundane circumstances. What moves the world is connection and caring and in an ordinary nail salon on a Thursday in Kauai we found it that day.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Gratitude Changes Your Attitude- A Year in Review

Some of my healing team after surgery

Friends to celebrate the end of summer

Fair time is part of the fun of Groutfest

  12/12/2012 at 12:12--- I liked the rhythm and rhyme of that date and truly started to write the year end encapsulation of all that I am grateful for, but obviously I didn't finish it on time. The whirlwind of Christmas with all of its preparation and expectations interfered. That is just an excuse but sadly, this date and time will never happen again in my life time. Should I care about this? Or is this yet another missed opportunity in the hallways of insignificant events? It seems like every day the media has another event that they want us to stew about. So I stayed bravely in the moment. I'd much rather just be in the moment and grateful for the real events in my life and there are plenty.



Sibs at Thanksjuning



That is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great.      Willa Cather

 Reasons to be grateful:

1. Mr. G, me, and sisters Sally, Trisha and Kathleen gathered for a new tradition: Thanksjuning in LA with brother Bob and sister in law Senja. We had no idea how much fun Thanksgiving could be in June. An added plus was it rain constantly at home when we were in sunny LA. We're making this a new tradition and I/we are very grateful for the family we have.
2. We had another successful and happy Groutfest in August with a good family gathering, much hilarity and great fun. More joy shared, more joy increased!
3. I had my hip replaced [with titanium] in September and am now walking just fine with no pain. What a relief! You never know how just feeling OK is until you're out of constant pain. [One of my grandsons says he can feel the metal...] I am beyond grateful to all of the friends who brought me good cheer, food and laughter during my recovery.
4. We got to travel to take care of our grandchildren and have riotous fun with the four of them. We are especially grateful to their parents, first of all for presenting us with these beloved creatures and secondly for indulging us with sleep overs at their houses.
5. Mr. G retired in April and he is excellent at retirement. Never a word of complaint or wandering around not knowing what to do with himself. He manages his day in a lovely fruitful manner and is glad to be home and I cannot believe what a good nurse he is.



A beaming new home owner with some of the family

6. We got to have the other Thanksgiving at my sister's new house and it was a joyous feast for many reasons, especially that we were together sharing the joy of her new place that she graciously opened up to the family.
7. Christmas is almost always fabulous for me and what added to the fun was the Nutcracker we attended on Christmas eve. This Maurice Sendak production was the "nutty" Nutcracker, where, in high energy fashion, the dancers got to spoof the ballet. Very funny and grand fun to be in on their jokes [snow didn't fall from above it was pelted! The ballerinas threw snowballs at each other and the orchestra].
8. Nothing is better than watching the surprise and delight children have opening presents on Christmas morning. Our son and daughter in law really go all out making this a special time and we are privileged to enjoy it.

Many studies contend that having a readily available gratitude list can help you through your day, increase your sleep at night and give you a generally sunnier attitude. I concur.

Here's hoping that you're making your gratitude list of what you've appreciated from this year, even if you missed 12/12/12 at 12:12.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved



HONOR THY FATHER, HONOR THY MOTHER

We are very good at celebrations and owe this to Mom and Dad

Today would have been our parents, Bob and Jane's, 69th Wedding Anniversary. Up in the heaven of my imagination, can't you just see them dancing the fox trot with Dad cracking wise making Mom laugh? Happily for all of us, she was not only amused by him but grew to admire and love him. When first they met, he was twenty one and she twenty and Mom was initially put off by his wildness. She was working in downtown Chicago as an artist and he was in the family's Chicago restaurant and they met through mutual friends. She told him he drank too much and more or less dismissed him. The man was persistent and soon his other shining qualities won her over. He had out grown the goofy, gawky stage and his kindness, intelligence, wit and business acuity became more of a draw. Mom decided to take a chance on him and despite WWII they married on December 11, 1943. Thanks to our devoted and caring sister Trisha I have an 8 x 12 of their wedding photo hanging on our wall. Thanks again Trish!

Here are a few of us at another wonderful celebration

Growing up in the chaos of his family*, it's a semi miracle that our Dad was so loyal and true. That was certainly not the role model our paternal Grandparents projected. He must have learned faithfulness and trustworthiness from the unfaithful and the not trustworthy. Sometimes people do that, but most commonly and unfortunately they become similar and not the whole opposite of their parents. I have worked with plenty of adults that have grow up in chaotic and/or violent homes who became organized, responsible and wonderful peacemakers despite the odds against this.  Our Dad's flaws were the anxiety and that he studiously avoided conflict to the point of withdrawal in our home life. Hence the famous, "you're punished" refrain whenever Mom would ask him to help with disciplining us. For all I know, I'm still punished.

Lots of the credit for a stable home life and marriage goes to our Mother. Mom had good role models. By contrast to his chaotic upbringing [Dad chose to live with his mother who benignly neglected him] Mom's family, while not exactly peaceful [Grandpa Webster: "Florence if I say white, you say black, ..."] was stable and loving. One strike against her was she had six kids under the age of ten. Some people thrive with many children, this was not our Mom. Another reality was Dad--- though he was an excellent provider, he was fairly useless with the kids until we were old enough to work along side him. Mom managed to keep us in line, drive us to and fro, provide meals for us and copious relatives, and on rare occasions, able to produce something artistic for herself.


So, simplistically, Dad was the fun and the workhorse and Mom was the drill Sargent and the ballast for the family.

Sibs plus cousins

I seem to be skipping over all of the fun times we had as a family and there were many. Most of it centered around food, singing, the extended family, the lake and the few vacations that we took. It was/is a loving family and we have to credit Bob and Jane for creating a wonderful crew. I feel especially grateful for the transformation that Mom did after Bob died in 1987. She became funny and fun to be with, kinder and very generous. Yes, we do have a lot to honor. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

*see one of the early posts on Anxiet and Drinking...

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Connections: Family History and a Famous Chef



My sister and I love to go to restaurants

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it.                             Andy Rooney

I just finished reading Yes, Chef by Marcus Samuelsson and periodically throughout the book I was in tears. I kept saying "why am I tearing up" to myself. Many things about the book resonated and were especially meaningful to me.

Marcus Samuelsson was born in Ethiopia, a country where there is enormous deprivation and illness. He, his mother and his sister contracted TB and his mother carried him, and held his sister's hand for 75 miles to seek help for them in the hospital in Addis Ababa. Ultimately his mother died and then, improbably and fortuitously, he and his sister were adopted by a Swedish family. He grew up in the very white Sweden with a loving parents and again, most fortuitously, a kind and dear grandmother who taught him to cook. Part of the magic was he was intensely interesting in cooking or the story would have ended right there. But he was ambitions and driven to be a success to impress his very loved father and to honor his grandmother.

Mom was hostess and helped run our family restaurant

Here's some of the clues to the "why am I tearing up" question. I'm from Chicago and a big somewhat famous restaurant family. I hear other people say that about their families, but it doesn't have the same meaning. Our family's restaurants were generational.

About a century ago [1904] in Chicago, our great grandmother [Mary Nelson Ricketts from Sweden] was widowed when our great grandfather died of TB. Strapped for cash with four sons to raise she did the only thing she knew how to do and opened a restaurant. Mary called it 'Ricketts restaurant'-- how clever. The family lived above the restaurant and it became famous, for the "home of the strawberry waffle". Amazingly, Mary Ricketts did well enough with her hard work, determination and good food that she was able to start each of her sons in a restaurant of their own in the 1920's. One on Oak St., one on Rush St., one near Michigan Ave. and our grandfather John Ricketts' restaurant at 2727 N. Clark St.

In the 40's and 50's my Grandfather John advertised our Ricketts as 'Chicago's most popular restaurant'. Not sure if that's the God's own truth but it was a big fabulous place, huge, luxurious and for a long time wildly popular. In another inspired touch, since the restaurant was only two blocks from Wrigley field, they painted a sign on a rooftop that you could see all over the field that said, "Hit this sign and win $500!--- Ricketts Restaurant". In fact, no one could have possibly hit the sign, it was too far away, though it was a good optical illusion, it looked possible. In the 50 years or so that the sign proclaimed the reward, it was never collected.

Sadly my Grandfather died youngish [64 or so] of a heart attack, my father and his brother took over the restaurant in 1958. It was not all roses and sweetness, my uncle was a very troubled and difficult man, so much so that my father had a series of panic attacks which led to him eventually leaving the N. Clark St. in 1962 for a restaurant of his own in Wheeling, Il. naming it, cleverly enough 'Ricketts Restaurant'. Good thing he did move on, as the neighborhood vastly declined and his brother, John Jr. went out of business in the early sixties.

Starting his own restaurant was a gamble and an adventure. It was not unusual for my father to work fourteen hour days. Unfortunately, he continued to have panic attacks. Bottom line: restaurants are chronically tough businesses and he had six children to support. But with his hard work, determination, good food and charming personality he made a success of the business and the panic attacks eased.

Marcus Samuelsson and I are practically twins. He's Swedish by adoption, me by heritage, his mother died of TB, as did my great grandfather, he was the chef for the Obamas at their inaugural ball in 2008, I voted for and love the Obamas. He likes to cook and loves to eat and so do I. See, twins! OK, he is a world famous chef, had to struggle and work wonky hours to be successful, but I appreciate that!

I do love to cook but watching my father work the hours that he did and knowing what chefs go through to be successful never appealed to me as a career choice. Instead I 'cook' with the ingredients that the clients bring into my office. Sometimes they need more ingredients and I suggest something toothsome. Sometimes I stir the pot, I season my words heavily with just the right amount of spice to add flavor and interest to their lives. Sometimes I have to allow time for the baking process which sometime takes longer than you'd think. Ah, the end product, in truth, is something that the client and I craft together with love. All the best chefs of this world love what they're doing and so do I. That is my definition of success. Ta da.

A la familia

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

It Is A Wonderful Life, With Luck

The influence of a beautiful, hopeful, helpful character is contagious and may revolutionize a whole town.                Eleanor H. Porter



Longing to return to Venice at night, fantasizing for myself

When I am confronted by a gloomy Gus or a hopeless Hannah in counseling I sometimes like to use other people, to broaden the scope, as the ones to emulate. If I can't think of someone real off the top of my head [and a further concern, in this small town someone who might be recognizable] I'll turn to books or the movies. Many people erroneously believe what they present in counseling are the feelings that they're 'stuck' with for life. "Untrue!", I say, "do you remember the story of "It's A Wonderful Life"? [I haven't had a "No" response yet.] Well there are many lessons from that story about how life can change. Can you think of any?" If they need their memory refreshed, they take the movie out of the library to view and then I let them ponder and report back.

Here is a partial list of the ideas from the movie that they come up with.

1. There are disappointments, unexpected problems, deceitful people, but also good people who reward you for your ability to love and be loyal.
2. Do what's right even if you think you may not be rewarded. Life can turn out better than you can imagine.
3. The future is unpredictable [except that we're all gonna die...] and  life can turn out differently, sometimes sweeter. 
4. Problems always seem darkest at night or in bad weather.
5. Family and friends are more important than financial success.
6. It's always a good idea to be generous, expecting nothing in return.
7. Worrying doesn't make things better, the illusion is that you'll come up with a solution. Better to put your nose to the grindstone.
8. It's important to tell the ones you love what your troubles and fears are.
9. Remember to ask for help, everyone needs it sometimes.
10. Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings. [I just threw that in].

Another movie that packs an important lesson is "Life is Beautiful". Not as many people have seen this movie so I encourage them to watch it. This little film takes place in a concentration camp during WWII, a father and son are sent to the same place. Unbelievably, the father convinces the son [who is about 5 years old] that there is riotous fun in the camp.  This goes along with Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning [he is a Psychiatrist and a Holocaust survivor], wherein he states, "the Nazi's took everything from us, even our bodily hair, but they couldn't take our attitudes." And the movie father, in a superlative act of love, displays the most outrageous and funny attitude toward the Nazis in an effort to make his son laugh. Not only touching but reminds all of us that if we laugh/mock troubles we can survive with elan.

For a more modern movie the newest one that I believe has a good message is the delightful movie, "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel". In this movie the "geeziers" that were "outsourced" to retire in India all arrive there with very different expectations. Although  each person had something that they were expecting to happen in India, most of it didn't turn out they way they thought it would. Some better, but in very unpredictable ways. The ones that fared the best were open to the goodness of new experiences and were willing to change.

A smart sister who reaches for the light in life.

The point of all of this is, life is not predictable and it is how you handle the left curves of life that can make the difference between surviving and thriving. I'm into thriving, laughter, surprises and joy myself.

So, I always say, "why not fantasize for yourself rather than against yourself." Here is a short list on coaxing what you want to  have in your life.

1. Get a picture of what you'd like to be or how you'd like things to be in the future.
2. Write that sentence down as though it is happening in the present tense.
3. Pick a date it in the future when you expect that divine sentence to become reality.
4. Draw a picture of yourself being that future delighted person.
5. Keep that sentence and/or picture handy and look at it daily. [I have traditionally used  3 x 5 cards since I was doing workshops in the '80's...]
6. Live as though what you hope will occur will happen.
7. Fantasize for yourself instead of against yourself.

This is what I've done for over thirty years and my success rate is well into the ninety percent range. Not bad. Use this above recipe for fantasizing for yourself. Makes me happy just to recall all of the success I've had with this little technique. As the old Yiddish joke goes, "it can't hurt".

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Remembering a Friend

There is a magnet in your heart that will attract true friends.  That magnet is unselfishness, thinking of others first. When you learn to live for others, they will live for you.                                                 Pramahansa Yogananda 

I had surgery several weeks ago and after my surgery the people of this community were fantastic. They dropped off dinners, books, magazines and other delights. As I mentioned Mr. G and I didn't cook a meal for three weeks. This was absolutely true for my old friends, Jim and Judy. J & J arrived on a sunny day, a week after my surgery with a Coleman cooler stuffed full of food. Judy said, "Jim made this happen." He had cooked short ribs with a rich gravy, mashed potatoes and venison chili. Judy made an apple pie and apple crisp. Such bounty! I was touched and so grateful. Then, the piece de resistance, they also brought a lunch that day for all of us. We all sat out on our deck downing delicious sandwiches, drinking sodas and talking about our old friendship of more than thirty years.

"What a treat!" I said to them and Jim said,  "I bet I win for best and most food brought to a convalescing friend". "Yes, yes, you do!" I said and laughed. Jim did win in the giving and generosity category for my convalescence. He also won for years of generous service.

Jim had a history of showing up in the thirty five years that we knew him, especially when a family member was in trouble with alcohol. Jim was right there to share his experience, strength and hope. Many years ago he told my son who was first in line for the parties, "right now you're in an elevator going down. At any time you can push the button to go back up, but the further down you go the harder it is and it takes more time." This advice was given more than twenty years ago and it still reverberates with my son.

This was a man who got excessive joy from bringing cheer to others. He could fill a room or even a store for that matter. He would walk into a store and soon have all the clerks chuckling at his lively sense of humor. His greatest joy besides his wife Judy was his daughter and his two grandsons. He lived to be 'Odie' [his nick name for Grandpa]. It is my belief if there was an Olympic medal for grand parenting he would have walked away with the gold. When I said this to his mother in law she said, "and for parenting!"

Jim died on Friday October 26 of a pulmonary embolism, unexpectedly and suddenly. We all will miss him, his hearty laugh, his generosity and his love.

 A lovely story that my friend Judy tells is that when she was living in Hawaii and Jim was in California he used to send ee cummings poems with his love letters. "That is how he courted me and won my heart," Judy said. Here is the poem that we read at Jim's memorial. To Judy from Jim, may he rest in peace Amen.

i carry your heart with me by E. E. Cummings

i carry your heart with me  (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it  (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me-- is your doing,  my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are-

whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud  and the sky of the sky

of a tree called life; which grows higher

than the soul  can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder   that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart  (i carry it in my heart)

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved