Resolving Depression and Complicated Grieving

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.                                                               Steven Wright

You wake up in the morning and wish that your parents had never met.                                 Bill Fitch 

Years ago I read in one of Dave Barry's books a story about his mom that illustrates this point. Her husband, Dave's father, Dave,  had been dead for three years and his mother still wasn't functioning well, she seemed sad all the time. Then at the urging of her sons she sold her house because, "it's really too big to take care of by yourself.". When she'd visit it was clear she wasn't getting making any progress on where she was going to live.  She moved constantly from son to son's house and  talked with great longing about her husband. and left notes on the calendar about events that they had celebrated together. She'd write things like, "Dave's [the husband] birthday, come back Dave."  Dave Berry and his siblings thought for sure she'd snap out of it eventually and settle down somewhere she liked. "What she really wanted", wrote Dave, "was her old house, with my father in it". Finally Dave, and I imagine his brothers too, were getting exasperated with their mother and took to lecturing her about getting a grip and settling down.  She didn't and sadly, she committed suicide. A very hard legacy to leave for the family. At the end of this very sad story Dave wrote something like this: be sure to really listen to your parents [or grieving friend or relative] and when they express despair, pay attention. In other words, please don't ignore the symptoms of depression. This coming from a comic writer. I've never forgotten it.

Obviously it is easy to figure out in retrospect that Dave's mom needed professional help, and who knows perhaps she refused it. Below are some suggestions  from the Center for Grief and Healing that I thought were succinct and pertinent.

The difference between grief and depression 

Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant.
Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:

Intense, pervasive sense of guilt Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness Giving away many personal items

Slow speech and body movements Inability to function at work, home, and/or school Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there Shutting out friends or relatives

When to seek professional help for grief

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better.
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:

• Feel like life isn't worth living
• Wish you had died with your loved one
• Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss
• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities 
• Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it
• Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks
• Feel that you are worthless

As for seeking professional help, it has to be right for who you are, what feels the most soothing to you. One of my favorite therapists in town has a grief group ever six months and for some people this is very valuable and healing. Not everyone is appropriate for groups, it feels threatening and not safe they heal better with family and friends or in individual therapy.

For all of us who are concerned about someone who is grieving my remedy of choice I call 'bird dogging'. I learned this technique from my friends and from my Mom. Mom called my sister every single day after the death of my sister's husband. My sis said that this was one of the most important helps on her road to healing, she looked forward to the check-ins and the support from our mother. So when someone you love is grieving be there for them either literally or by any form of communication. Bird dog your loved ones, keep them in sight and in touch, and not just for a couple of months. What is especially true is, let's say six months later,  most people expect someone to "be over that" and that's when it's most crucial to be there.

So, what are the best ways to resolve depression and grief at the same time? Unfortunately the answer varies wildly with each circumstance and each death. For some going back to work is essential, an excellent distraction especially if you like and appreciate your job and the co workers are very supportive. If work isn't palliative or soothing for you then taking time off is important-- as long as you're not isolating yourself.
Be honest with yourself, if you need help, yell Help! Call someone who is loving and supportive of you and don't go alone on this difficult journey. Then when you're able get with people and activities that make you laugh and feel joyful, even if for a moment. The reality of life is we all die, but in between birth and death we can live richly, lovingly and fully.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved