Grief vs. Depression

Our darling Dad

Our loving Mom

 In my talk to Hospice group someone asked a very good question, "how can we do this hospice work and not go down the rabbit hole?"  That got me thinking about grief verses depression: in other words, the rabbit hole. 

Embarrassingly the example that I popped into my mind was of putting my cat Rufus down---I guess since it was my most recent grieving experience. I said, "I'm still very sad about Rufus and I miss him every day,  but it doesn't depress me". 

This reaction is so different than Marie's* one of my clients from years ago. She had to put her pet down but it was a very depressing event. The dog, Buddy had been run over by her husband. Buddy didn't immediately die and they rushed him to the vet who operated on him, removing one of Buddy's legs. He rallied for a bit only to be in gross pain. The vet leveled with her: "you can't continue with this course of action, he's suffering and will not recover." So she felt forced to put him down. The grief was terrible and complicated. When Marie cried, she'd upset her husband who felt guilty. As Marie put it "I was both angry and frustrated," she said amidst the tears, "he never really bonded with Buddy anyway and now this." So she hid her grief and cried alone. The more she hid, the angrier and more depressed she became.

Marie came into counseling saying, "I didn't feel this much grief when my mother died!" "How was your relationship with your mother?" I asked. "Not good." Obviously there is going to be a different sort of grief when you have a difficult relationship with someone you love but don't particularly like. In the case of Buddy, she not only loved him, he was her constant source of support. Unfortunately for her, the husband was a distant sort, a "man's man" and always taking trips with his friends, rarely including her in his attention. Then when he inadvertently killed her best source of comfort, well, you can see the complication.

Here are the myths and facts list that I took from The Center for Grief and Healing

Myths and Facts About Grief

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.
Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only make it worse in the long run. For real healing it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it.
MYTH: It’s important to be “be strong” in the face of loss.
Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
MYTH: If you don’t cry, it means you aren’t sorry about the loss.
Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.
MYTH: Grief should last about a year.
Fact: There is no right or wrong time frame for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Mom came to all the weddings in the family and helped all of us emotionally and financially

What I'm exploring in this post is not simple grief which is straight forward and pure, like  the loss of a beloved mother who lived to be almost 90. This is sad but not a tragedy. Much more difficult for me was the loss of a darling Dad at the age of only 67, who died quite suddenly from a heart attack. Took me quite awhile to grieve him. Those of us who've had a child die experience horrible pain and that, in my book, is always a tragedy. The grief from the loss of a child may last a very long time and might be complicated. Here's more.

Complicated grief

The sadness of losing someone you love never goes away completely, but it shouldn't remain center stage. If the pain of the loss is so constant and severe that it keeps you from resuming your life, you may be suffering from a condition known as complicated grief. Complicated grief is like being stuck in an intense state of mourning. You may have trouble accepting the death long after it has occurred or be so preoccupied with the person who died that it disrupts your daily routine and undermines your other relationships.
Symptoms of complicated grief include:

Intense longing and yearning for the deceased Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one Denial of the death or sense of disbelief Imagining that your loved one is alive

Searching for the person in familiar places Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss Feeling that life is empty or meaningless

My hope publishing all of this is that it can bring some clarity to the subject of grieving vs. depression. My best to all of you out there who read these posts. As a friend remarked today in Facebook:

"the meaning of life is to find your  gift, the purpose of life is to give it away."                       Pablo Picasso

*No surprise, Marie is a compilation of several clients.

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