I can offer lots of advice, good advice. Advice that's been passed down from generation to generation and never been used. Bob Monkhouse
I'm talking to the local Hospice group on October 26th about "The Importance of Boundaries in Our Lives" which is such a big subject I needed to narrow it down---ah, put some boundaries around it. So I decided to speak about personal boundaries. To put it simply--where I end and you begin.
Boundaries define us, it's the 'what's me and what's not me' of a person. Actually it isn't quite so black and white-- because in life, as in our relationships, there's a lot of gray areas that tend to rear their heads and shout, "hey, what about...". Humans, not being robots, can radically alter their opinions with a life changing event. For example, many people believe they could only love a child with their own DNA. Then it happens: they discover pregnancy is not an option. Many find out that an adopted child brings joy and deep love into the family's life. In other words, people grow and change with experiences. Change can be life altering and positive. In counseling I always tried to encourage flexibility and exploring other ideas, solutions and options. This leaves room for an open mind, 'what's not [like] me' can change. Because this change can bring great joy, it behooves all of us to be open to change, to stay flexible, accept responsibility for ourselves, our feelings and our actions.
The most common ways that people think of boundaries in relationships are physical and emotional. The easiest to describe are the bad examples, when physical boundaries are violated. This includes sexual or physical abuse; people who stand too close or attempt to hug you when you really don't want to be touched by them. Then there's the opposite: the 'distance-rs' the people who never let you come closer or hug them or touch them even though they're your good friends, or the ones who purposefully choose to ignore you in an insensitive manner. These are the obvious boundary violations that most everyone has experienced. [The exceptions are different cultures where there are different standards on physical and emotional boundaries, I'll leave that for another post.]
However, there are more subtle personal boundary violations that we, due to fear, let slide. These are the ones that are felt and carried out, yet may not be recognized by ourselves, our family or closest friends. They include:
- pretending to agree when you don't
- concealing your true feelings, saying "I'm OK" when you're really hurt or angry.
- going along with friends or family when you don't want to
- declining to join in due to fear or insecurities
- pushing yourself beyond what is comfortable
- working too hard or too long
- doing too much for others
- saying "yes" when you mean "no" or the opposite
- lack of sleep, impairing your ability to function properly
- ignoring your needs, physical and/or emotional
- not eating or over indulging
- too little time alone or too much time alone
- too little exercise or too much exercise
- withdrawal from friends
- too much or too little leisure time activities
- over using or abusing drugs or alcohol
- using compulsions: eating, sex, gambling, shopping, etc.
Summarizing the above list, it's rather obvious that this describes a person who has little self respect and is unable or unwilling to set limits. Their" internal moral code"* is either weak or being constantly violated and they don't have the tools to correct the problem.
*Internal moral codes are the hallmark of a healthy ego. A perfect example is having self respect and sticking up for yourself and your own moral code, what you believe in. I'll start with one of my favorites, the obvious, "love one another" which Jesus, and every other spiritual all- star, spouts. Everyone knows the feeling of not speaking up when someone cracks an offensive sexist or racist joke. You walk away feeling like a schmuck... and you should! If your moral code includes, "love one another" as does mine, how does a racist/sexist comment figure in that equation? This is a good example of you violating a personal boundary by not sticking up for your own moral code. I'm supposing in that instance, when the offensive remark or joke was cracked, insecurity and fear played into the inability to tell the truth. I have a remedy and a favorite expression that summarizes what to do in situations like this: 'tell the truth and run'.
Here's a list of responses that can be used when your moral code is sensitized or violated:
- I disagree
- I won't listen to that
- that's offensive to me
- I'm not willing to go along with that
- I choose not to be that kind of person
- stop that
- That hurts
- It's/that's wrong
- that's bad/mean/offensive/insensitive
- have you considered that most of the world is female including your own mother?
- I have a black, Chinese, lesbian, gay, transgender, cousin...
- you sound just like my great grandfather when you say things like that
Healthy boundaries are clear and flourish when we value ourselves our ideas, decisions, feelings, perspectives and wishes. We accept differences in ourselves and others.
What I see as troubling in the country right now is the unwillingness to be flexible. Witness politics: there is an insistence to conform to extremes, especially with the radical right wing. Aren't they supposed to 'love one another'? The moderates are buckling under, no matter that their opinions might differ. With this kind of rigidity we all suffer. This kind of rigidity, at it's worst, is what leads to wars. Speak up all you moderates! This is the time to have enough self respect to tell the truth.
Tomorrow [or very soon] the ways to resolve the weak or rigid boundaries.
susanmagicfeather copyright 2013 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved
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