The Unlucky Unforgiven Figures It Out

Many years ago went I was in college I had the most marvellous experience. In our school they were trying something new, they were matching roommates based on a questionnaire that they sent to all incoming freshman. I diligently answered all the questions to the best of my abilities and voila, got a roommate who exactly match my questionnaire. I was excited. We corresponded all through the summer and on the day my parents were driving me to the University got a letter from the "perfect fit" that said she'd decided to go to another college. O, no, I thought.

By temperment [and perhaps with a dash of geneology thrown in] I tend to be an anxious person, especially at the tender age of eighteen. This news was not good to me and I only imagined disasterous outcomes. Included in the same mail was the name of my new roommate who was from Ohio. At least I had a name of the girl I was to room with. We arrived at the University a couple of days prior to classes starting. Back in the day [everyone seems to use this sentence...] there was no glad handing students and there was skimpy welcoming committees, but to have my little sister, and my parents present [who ordinarily never went to any of my events] was thrilling to me. They got to meet A. She had changed her mind about the roommate she was given and we two were the "odd woman out" and got each other. After we met her all of us agreed she was indeed a good match for me.

This proved to be more than true. To this day there are very few people who can make me belly laugh they way A could. We had the most wonderful time together and she was up for anything and had such a good spirit. Her story telling was fabulous and I counted myself as so lucky. Our pacing was perfect, neither one of us minded going alone to classes, dances, study halls etc., the relationship had all the best aspects to it, it was so good. Interestingly, most the women in the dorm who had been computer matched had terrible times and ended up changing roommates. Ha!

Ours was such a successful pairing that we roomed together after we moved out, Sophomore year, into college housing with several of the other great women we'd met on the floor of our dorm. These are to this day wonderful women and I am in touch with two out of the five happily. Unhappily not the one that was my roommate.

Through the years, I have thought endlessly about what happened to that friendship. 'A' claimed that it "was a waste of time to continue corresponding when she was living on the East coast and I the West". I frankly don't believe it. Something I said or did infuriated her and she abruptly cut me off. I was sad and reeled from this for quite sometime, never could figure out what the hell I did to destroy this very good friendship. I would have bought the "were on other coasts and will probably never see each other again" except she is in constant contact with one of the other roommates. So it is/was me. Me, all about me.

Part of me laughs at this. I have made dozens of other good friends, I have overcome most of the anxiety in my temperment, I have a rich and great relationship with my husband and thankfully, gratefully, treasure my entire family. So that this sticks in my mind every so often feels, well, odd. Odd woman out.

Fredrick Luskin, in his book Forgive for Good, address almost an identical problem that he had with a very close friend cutting him off. It does leave you stunned and bewildered. My dear therapist Lorie Dwinell calls this "emotional cut-off". Of course it is ten times worse if the person cutting you off is one you're married to but that can be apples and oranges. So at the risk of repeating myself from the post of 4/4/11, I will include what has helped me  and my clients when this kind of thing happens.

Here is the essence from the book on what Luskin calls the nine steps and I will summarize:

 Nine Steps

1. Know how you feel about the incident [s] and what was wrong. Tell  several safe people what happened.
2. Make a strong commitment to yourself to do whatever it is to feel better. 
3. Reconciliation may not be possible [especially with someone who was abusive]. Luskin says, "forgiveness can be defined as the peace of understanding...taking the life experience less personally and changing your grievance story."
4. Your primary upset is coming from the thoughts, [often obsessive] hurt feelings and physical involvement that is intruding on your life now. "Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings."
5. Learn how to use relaxation techniques to soothe yourself when upset.
6. "Give up expecting things from other people that they do not choose to give you." Let go of other people's feelings and take care of yourself religiously.
7. Focus on getting your positive goals met rather than endlessly focusing on what has hurt you. Can you use this hurt experience for good?
8. "Forgiveness is about personal power." Empower the positive gifts in your life, "Learn to look for love, beauty and kindness around you."
9. Finally "amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive."  

When all is said and done I not only forgive A but I do forgive myself. I wish that I had the perspacity to suss out what I needed to say or do to make it OK. I wish I could have said: "I thank you most sincerely for all the great laughs and good times we had together and so my friend, I am, at your request saying good bye."

susanmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved