Creating a Positive Self Image

One of my Mother's paintings depicting tranquility

No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit.                                     Helen Keller

Respect, admire, love, trust and value yourself and spring forth with love in all of your dealings with yourself.      Susan R. Grout  1987

I've spent over thirty years encouraging people to develop a positive self image. Actually, if you count the years with our sons, forty two years of encouragement. The sons were easy and have good self images.

Nothing gets in the way of recovery from just about anything as a  negative or worthless self image. Self loathing and fear wreck havoc on someone who is attempting any kind of change in their life. A great example of that is people who are dieting. If self loathing is constantly in the way and their internal patter is belittling, this can, and frequently does, lead to sabotage and despair. It's hard to stay motivated to change any habit when bumping up against defeatism.

One of my siblings [who shall remain nameless] was in despair about dieting and lamenting how she felt to a friend. "I'd really like to go swimming but I'm too embarassed to be out in public in a swim suit," she said. Her friend said, "why is that?" and my sib answered, "I'm heavier than I want to be and everybody will be looking at me." And the astute friend said, "yeah, once."

Seems to me that's basically a good philosophy: get over yourself and go enjoy the water; dive in and let go of how others perceive about you. Focus on what you love, not on what is a "flaw" about yourself. This is also a very important trick to teach people who are inherently shy: put your focus on someone else and make them comfortable. Risk it, challenge yourself.

I is kind, I is smart, I is important.                                                            from Katherine Stockett's The Help

I worked with a man many years ago who was afraid of women, good thing he came to a woman therapist, right? As a matter of fact it was the best thing he could have done. First of all his approach to women was appauling. He figured that humor was important, "good so far" I said, "but it falls flat every time", he said. "Hmm, give me an example." "Well, I make fun of one of their body parts, like calling them 'thunder thighs' or ask them about their 'honker of a nose'." It was all I could do not to laugh. Clearly he hadn't been raised with women, he was flunking male/female conversation. Then I asked him, "tell me to whom you're addressing these 'witty' remarks".  He mentioned several names and it turns out he'd zeroed in on the most glamorous women in our small town [and he was no prize in the looks department]. With this winning strategy he was bound to fail. I gently suggested he look for women more like himself, bookish, introverted and pleasant looking but not Christie Brinkley types. We went through many role plays, good natured teasing and banter before he was ready to attempt his new way of being [more authentic] with some really nice women.  I said, "If you are kind and fun to be around the worst case scenerio is you'll get a pal out of the deal."

Learning to have healthy, fun loving, encouraging internal dialogue is key to a positive self image. Now, mind you, wildly overblown verbiage is not going to improve your life or image [like: "Christie Brinkley is my physical twin!" While I find this amusing, it is preposterous and only good for a chuckle]. More helpful is the true, loving affirmations [see above, alter the grammar] that can make big differences in our lives.

The following are a few guidelines that I have used with hundreds and are helpful.

1. Be motivated by self love and love of others.
2. Use any guilty feelings as a springboard for action, make a list of what you can do to assuage those guilty feelings.
3. Realize that life is a "cha-cha" sometimes taking a step back enhances the dance of life.
4. Not everyone will like you, let go of their feelings and remember this is none of our business.
5. Others moods, feelings are not our responsiblity and unless asked, better to just listen and honor them and then let go.
6. We are peers with all humans. No one is better than me and no one is worse than me, for proof imagine a nursery with newborns, who's better? worse?
7. Black and white thinking contributes to prejudices and ignorance, be more colorful and open minded.
8. Use all of your life experiences for your benefit, constantly growing and changing with each new illumination.
9. Learn to be judicious in trusting and thinking. Study, research and examine what others tell you.
10. It is acceptable to be different, embrace who you are.
11. You can just BE, hold still and realize that you are loveable just because you are.
12. Intimacy is wonderful and rewarding, you can ask for what you need and want.
13. Accept and allow the full spectrum of life: grief and sorrow, love, laughter and joy.
14. Kiss, kiss, kiss, hug, hug, hug.

Creating a postive self image requires effort, action, repetition, vigilance and "acting as if". Bring it on in your life. Love, always...

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved