On Raising Responsible Teenagers

It is good and important for our kids to take on  mature tasks while still teens

The amount of satisfaction you get from life depends largely on your own ingenuity, self-sufficiency and resourcefulness.  People who wait around for life to supply their satisfaction usually find boredom instead.                        Dr. William Menniger

On a suggestion from Anna Quindlen's newspaper column I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. This was a hole in my education that needed to be filled. The book depicts the harsh times of one poor family around the turn of the last century. We follow one young lady, Francie from ages 11 to 17. It is labeled as fiction but so much of the book is autobiographical that the truth flies off the pages. This young woman, Betty Smith led a hard scrabble life and redeemed her difficult situation through education, and when she had to quit school to help support the family, by reading and hard work. Her diligence was impressive and it paid off.

Take a mental, quick walk with me through the centuries. You'll find most children and especially teenagers had very difficult lives, especially by today's standards. In fact, until recently in this country many children had to leave school to work and help support the family. This was true of the protagonist, Francie mentioned above and this was also true of my own grandfather, Webster McHenry. Then when and where they did work, the children were working in deplorable conditions. There were no child labor laws, they worked 60 to 80 hours a week and were paid poorly. It wasn't until FDR's first term in the White House in the 1930's that child labor laws were enacted. In this century things have gotten better, certainly not because of the charity of the bosses, but due to legislation that big business fought against tooth and nail.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.               Fredrick Douglass

Stating the obvious, the ease with which our teens today are being raised is in stark contrast to the children of a century ago. That is indeed a blessing yet sometimes their character suffers for these cushier circumstances. I keep asking myself  "what are we promoting in these children?" Since the burdens for most children have lightened up considerably this should be heralded as good news but sometimes the burdens are lightened to an absolutely absurd degree. That's what I'm concerned about.

There are misguided parents who go completely overboard pushing and basically overdoing everything for their child. It's been called 'helicopter parenting'. Please remember, this isn't for the benefit of the child, this is all about the star-shine for the parent. I remember reading years ago in a book, The Road Less Traveled, in which Scott Peck described a mother who drove her son to school each day because she was afraid for him to take the bus. She described her actions as loving. This was a boy in high school. That's not love, it's teaching him to be fearful and dependent.

If parents really cared primarily for their teen's maturity they would be concerned about enriching them. This would emphasize encouraging the teen to be capable of doing rudimentary tasks for themselves. Examples abound: doing the family's laundry; help cooking meals; procuring and working at a summer job; finding joy in volunteering; learning to file a tax return; filling out college applications; cleaning their room; cleaning the bathroom; being responsible for a checkbook; know what a debit card actually means; how to earn and manage money; taking care of younger children; knowing how to study; learning how to do research; how to navigate in a city; how to read a map; learning what it means to be a good citizen and the value of loving kindness in everyday life. All of this is what I would hope that the average American teen would be capable of. Instead...

These days it is not unusual for parents to never require their teen to help around the house, or be responsible for a pet or even a younger sibling. These parents even go so far as to write their kid's college essays. That's not all. I have been told by teachers that they call the schools for special exemptions and privileges for their child then they yell at the teachers if the kids aren't getting a grade A on their work. I have witnessed them giving their kids expensive cars to drive to high school. These teens are never required to have summer jobs and this is particularly sad because a job would be an excellent way to start them on the road to being self sufficient. 

I ask you, what is all of this over protectiveness/overcompensation teaching the child? One answer is: "you can't possibly do this for yourself, I must step in assist" and that folks, is infantalization, treating a perfectly capable person like an infant. No wonder we have a rash of prolonged adolescence. These parents need to stop defining themselves by their children's achievements and to be less anxious about the way their teen chooses to achieve. As I see it this is not helping either of them to mature. My hope and request is for the parents to be less indulgent and expect the teen to be more diligent, respectful and caring. This is the hallmark of maturity: taking responsibility for one's self for the sake of their own [and our] future. Lazy indulged teens are the last thing we need to keep our country strong. An excellent goal is to aim to raise good citizens and caring adults.

If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.                                   John R. Miller

For of those to whom much is given, much is required.   John F. Kennedy

While I'm trying to understand this over indulgence on the part of the parents I do realize the world is a more difficult place than it was when I was a teen. For one thing the easy access to a wild variety of drugs just wasn't part of my experience. Violence, guns, were not so omni-present and things moved at a much slower pace. Also the world for my generation was more affordable. With summer jobs and only a bit of assistance financially from my parents I was able to pay for much of my college education. 

When I was a kid my parents moved around a lot---but I always found them.                                                    Rodney Dangerfield

I grew up in a mostly happy home, one of six kids whose parents did have trials and tribulations. Being one of the oldest I had much more was expected of me and now I appreciate that and the benign neglect of my parents. I had to do a lot for myself and for my family. Looking back, even the rotten experiences I had as a teen have been useful in my life as life lessons. 

susansmagicfeather  copyright 2015  Susan R. Grout all rights reserved  

.

How to Be Neighborly and on the Team

The gospel very much wants us to think in terms of a neighborhood, in terms of being in solidarity with other people, in sharing our resources, and of living out beyond ourselves.                                Dr. Walter Brueggerman  

Nothing makes you more tolerant of an neighbor's noisy party than being there.                                                             Franklin P. Jones                                            

Love thy neighbor as thyself

Don't we all want a world that is neighborly and peaceful instead of one where there is so much acrimony, strife and prejudice? Don't we want a world where, even if we choose not to, we are invited to the neighbor's noisy party? The big question that I've been examining is cynicism and nastiness that is apparent in not only politics but also religion and attitudes of some of our people. Why there is so much free floating hatred and defensiveness? Some say it is justifiable to be this way, being cynical is the only right way to approach these times. I have an alternative theory: we are allowing people to be disrespectful, prejudice and selfish. It is high time we called these errors out when we hear them or see them. 

Cynicism---the intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence.                                                                                           Russell Lynes

As a psychotherapist and from my long years of listening and commenting from a chair, I know that the people who are most cynical and paranoid are the least happy. The ones who approach each day with hatred and anger, spoiling for a fight are the least satisfied. So why not let them stew in their own miserable juices? Dunno. Guess as an optimist who specialized in relationships and solutions I can't just give up and let it go unconfronted. They could be happier and less troubled.

How does this cynicism get started? Sometimes it truly is mental illness but often it is from the grouchy, disrepectful attitudes surrounding a person. It then gets condoned.

Most of us are concerned about the lack of respect some children exhibit to their teachers. Worse and more painful is reading about their parents who threaten teachers and/or coaches for doing their jobs. These parents should be disciplining their children for being disrespectful. [Might I suggest removing their cell phones, TVs or their freedom and then writing an essay about their behavior before the restriction is lifted.]  I realize that popular TV and movies show a level of disrespect that is sickening and children are vulnerable to coping what they see. Why haven't parents first discussed this with their children then raise up in arms about what is being taught on the media? Instead what gets reported are silly groundless fights about naughty words in books and banning science [think Kansas and evolution] from the curriculum.

Another thing that is disconcerting is a segment of our citizens who paint all police officers with the same brush. They believe all in law enforcement are a frightening group of thugs just waiting to arrest or worse kill any person of color. How unfair and untrue. Indeed, there are some who are problematic and of course and they need to be weeded out. But this is classic all or nothing thinking. 

I watched this happen [the black and white thinking] back in the 60's when the soldiers came back from Vietnam. It was hurtful and ugly. Instead of blaming the higher ups for making these bad war decisions, it was taken out on the soldiers.  Black and white thinking doesn't come from our higher selves and can unnecessarily hurts the just and innocent. Rather, it springs out of the worst part of humans, fear, prejudice and hatred. This is then passed on to the children who in turn become disrespectful, aggressive, fearful and hateful. Even wild animals, when cornered can become aggressive or flee in fear. Behold the mild mannered opossum who when confronted will either hiss and raised up on it's hind legs or play dead. That is what is passed on to the children. "You've go to be taught to hate and fear". Instead, teach your children well. 

Do you value good citizenship? Do you value being a good neighbor? Then lead by example.

Almost all of us have read, heard, been subjected to the vitriol about our President. The theory is that these are justifiable criticisms. But look again they are from the cynics, they are hate filled baseless accusations. 

For example our President advocates providing health care for all of our citizens. By the way, this was based on Mitt Romney's health care for the state of Massachusetts. Health care for all in my book is necessary for any workable society. We are one of the few first world countries who refuses to do this. So what we are basically saying to our citizens that can't afford health care is "you aren't worth our concern". Is this really what we want for one of the richest countries of in the world? Dr. Brueggerman says "that identifies and fosters a kind of disadvantaged class that is excluded from all of the resources of society." Doesn't sound very religious, loving, neighborly or Christian to me. Does it to you?

It is not enough to know what is right. Courage also is needed to do what is right.                      Arthur Dobrin

In terms of love I like what Dr. Brueggerman says in regards to people and religion. He is appalled at the attempt by some of the "faithful" in the current religions who are making end runs around the best of their faith and trying desperately to justify parsimony, greed, violence, hatred and selfishness. This can also apply to the politicians that seek to improverish our citizens. Honestly, sometimes some religious people and politicians seem as unwilling as a feisty cat to share a house with a gentle, excluded dog. See above. Instead invite them to the party. 

Being invited to the party of life is like being a "12th man", one who is part of the team. If one of your 12th man fellow neighbors is acting boorishly you'd gently tell him to stuff it for the good of the team. Can't we have a team U.S.? Can't we have religions that are team oriented? When people are being disrespectful to their leaders, teachers, coaches, etc. we need to confront them and tell them to knock it off. It's unsportsmanlike conduct.

susansmagicfeather sopyright  2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Pope Pops the Fundamentalists!

 Religious fundamentalism, even before it eliminates human beings by perpetrating horrendous killings, eliminates God himself, turning him into a mere ideological pretext to perpetuate mass killings.
.                                                          Pope Francis 

Pope Francis today [1/12/15] denounced religious fundamentalism. He stated it was this that inspired the Paris massacres and the ongoing Mideast conflicts. Pope Francis said the attackers "were enslaved by deviant forms of religion that used God as a mere ideological pretext to perpetuate mass killings". He then called for an end to "fundamentalist terrorism" in the Mideast and for Muslim leaders in particular to condemn "extremist interpretations" of their faith that seek to justify such violence.

The leader of the 1.2-billion strong Catholic Church has stepped up his call for Muslim political, religious and intellectual leaders to vocally insist that Islam doesn't condone such violence.

I so welcome this news and the admonition from Pope Francis. How refreshing it is to have a Pope who is a humanitarian. He understands the meaning of the word religion in its best sense. To aide in my understanding I read the definition of the word 'religion' over three times in my dictionary. Not once does it mention anything about hatred or killing for God. It seems to me that most religions have as their base the ideas of a power greater than humans and, far as I can discern, this includes the power of love and goodwill toward all humans. So why is religion being used to perpetuate mass killings? 

Throughout history someone who is power hungry and has a self-aggrandizement complex encourages/commands his men/minions to murder 'others'. 'Others' are defined as all who do not agree with whatever the megalomaniac is declaring as right. He must be followed as though he is the supreme being. "In the name of God, I will slay, starve, impoverish, convert, exploit you." This is currently going on and Francis rightly "denounced the "abominable" kidnapping and enslavement of young girls by Boko Haram militants in Nigeria and the slaughter of "unspeakable brutality" of more than 100 children by the Taliban in Pakistan". 

Time for active non-violence. Time to stand up and call out, time to protest. Time to call it what it is: a perversion of religion; it is murder and the most egregious violation of human rights. When power is perverted it always comes out as hate and creates fear.

We also need to call out [and stop propping up] the nations who are supporting these terrorists, supplying them with funds and arms to carry out their atrocities. I shudder to think that it is possibly from our own arms manufacturing that some of these weapons are coming. 

A sincere appreciation must go out to the world's leaders who are brave enough to stand up to the terrorist and say, 'no more'. We need a massive amount of brave, caring leaders as well as brave, ordinary citizens to come forth at this important hour and pledge their allegiance to goodness and love. This a call to non-violent action.

Remember:

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate is not driven out by hate, only love can do that.                   Martin Luther King

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On the Difference between Protest and Hatred

That's the first step---you demonize people and pretty soon they're not people anymore, they're meant to be despised. It's exactly what happened in Nazi Germany.                Peter Mathiessen

The Romans had to work up hatred to kill Jesus

Blood. Blood spilled by crazed individuals, then by obsessed people in power. Wars always start this way. Whether it's the Nazis against the Jews or the Bosnian against the Muslims or the Hutus against the Tootsies it always starts with a campaign of hatred and fear. It goes like this: first demonize the human beings and urge others to treat them as less than a human beings, then call them names and bully them. The next step follows: it's OK to kill them because you feel no respect or any empathy for them, they are less than animals and certainly not "our" kind. This insane rationalization is how people justify their inhumanity to their fellow man.

Yesterday three extremists took the lives of twelve people in an office of a satirical magazine in France. Earlier in January an Australian Muslim man held an entire cafe hostage for hours, killing two. In our country a misguided and suicidal man recently killed two patrol officers in Brooklyn. The commonality here is that these people are operating on the delusion that their hatred is justified and their suicidal behavior is righteous and holy. In the case of the religious fundamentalist they believe their hatred and the right to murder are sanctioned by God. Weird. 

What happened to the God of love, to the "do unto others as you would have done unto you", to the "love thy neighbor as thyself"? All religions [or I guess I will have to qualify that with 'most', I only a have a minor in theology] have as one of their tenants the power of love. There is a disturbing trend to pervert that tenant into the "ours is the only way" philosophy, which is prejudicial, intolerant and certainly not loving.  This is certainly true of some of the more Orthodox of the Catholics, Jews and Muslims of the world just to name a few. 

The history of the world, like the history of its hills, is written in blood, the blood of barbaric warriors and bold partisans, of old women and beardless boys, of the guilty and the innocent.   Thomas Cahill

In the secular world humans have suffered at the hands of those who believe that "might makes right". Sadly, this goes back to the dawn of human interaction, from before the barbarians. Isn't the latest of the human suicides/murders a form of devolution? These poor deluded young men all believe that they are saintly for their murders. At best this is a form of mental illness, at worst these men are mere pawns at the hands of tyrants who only are looking out to justify their meglomania. This is a good definition of evil in my book.

The people who are trying to make this world worse are not taking a day off. How can I?                                            Bob Marley 

In a couple of my posts: http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2014/12/theyve-got-poochy-and-theyre-gonna-hurt.html and http://susansmagicfeather.blogspot.com/2014/10/please-no-more-dick-cheneys.html
I challenged the notion that torture and screaming at immigrant children is not Christian or loving. One of my readers took great exception to that statement and said I was propagating lies. 

In response to another post a woman I know sent around a message by the Tea Party suggesting we drug test all people on welfare. Honestly, I thought, let's start with the poorest of the poor. And then what? Surely these suggestors would want to help them and then deign to give them a job or send them to treatment? I doubt that. I propose that we start at the top! How about we start by testing people on the upper end of the feeding troth--- those on corporate welfare? Test those corporate farmers driving around in fancy cars collecting money not to grow crops. The bankers taking egregious salaries after being bailed out by the Federal government.Then why stop there? How about testing all of the people on Wall Street? Sounds like a fine idea to me. You probably have your own favorite idea about the people on corporate welfare. Insert here______________________, should be drug tested.

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate is not driven out by hate, only love can do that.      Martin Luther King

 I am going to state unequivocally that hatred is not protest it is violence. Violent protests always backfire. Effective protests are strong, emphatic, clear, insistent but never violent. Violence is back to the might makes right and has no effectiveness in protest. Hatred costs humanity everything and only adds to devolution, not enhancing mankind.

If you smell a rat, call it out and protest, that is why 'Je suis Charlie'. If  you hear a racial slur, protest the hatred. The only way we are going to make this world a better place is with firmness against oppressors and protecting the innocent. Another way of saying that is love in the bravest truest sense of the world. Don't bow to hatred, stand up to it and spread love.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Who's the Bully that Puts You Down?

Around and around it goes, where it stops is right here

Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness.                                                     George Santayana

In my career as a psychotherapist I spent lots of time with clients who were incredibly self critical. I attempted the optimistic, wrestling with them, two falls out of three!, to at least lessen their critical opinions of themselves. Some of them were very stubborn and believed something terrible would happen if they dropped the habit of being highly critical of themselves.  I'd try to convince them just how silly this was. I'd point out that their method of repetitive mental put downs failed to accomplish what they state they wanted: to be happier.  Ah, but in some cases they were afraid to let go of that old dark companion: the crabby critic in their head. I realize this seems irrational, but sadly people stick like glue to what they know, after all it's familiar even if it sucks. This is, my friends, the hallmark of abuse.

Life is short but can feel very long indeed if each day you find a way to relentlessly beat yourself up. If you do this you're the bully! I realize as I write this some of you might find it hard to admit that your inner child is a bully. You might even think you need to listen to the repetitive yammering inside your head.  Granted it could sound important or like your nastiest relative who chastises you for not being productive enough, good enough, interesting enough, pretty or handsome enough, clever enough, talented enough, thin enough...enough is enough. In fact on the topic of self bullying--- enough is too much. Time to stop that awful habit.

This could cause some envy...

How does this start? With some people I worked with there was a history of verbal and physical abuse. Then the child internalized it and became their own worst enemy. Sometimes it was  as simple as people feeling inadequate and so constantly chastizing themselves to be better. Many people torture themselves with envy and comparisons. They fret and believe that others are happier than they are. They scan what the neighbors have or go on face book gnashing their teeth. I call this the "face book syndrome", when people imagine that these imaginary "somebodies" have more money, a better car, frequenter vacations, a sexier mate, suffice it to say, the envy list is longer than this post can handle. They obsess about what they don't have instead of being grateful for what they do have.

When ones expectations are reduced to zero, one really does appreciate what one has.
Stephen Hawkins

One person who epitomizes working with what you've been given is Stephen Hawkins. Mr. Hawkins was diagnosed with ALS at the age of thirty, and has been wheel chair bound for over thirty five years. He can only talk with the aid of a machine. From this great scientist comes the quote above and though he expects nothing, he works like hell with what he has. What he has is a brilliant mind which he has used to acclaim, discovering the secrets of the universe from that wheel chair.  The obvious lesson here is that you can improve your life with what you have, but, you must work like hell. If it means digging yourself out of colossal debt by becoming austere and self sacrificing, you do it one day at a time and then find pleasure in the simpler things in life.  If it means reevaluating your relationships and changing who you associate with, take the measured and kinder steps and let go of the abrasive and embrace only the people who bring you joy. If you are incapacitated by an illness or injury, see what you can study or learn to expand your world from your chair. A good friend of mine has a lung disease which forces her to be sedentary. In her past she was an outstanding athlete and a vigorous person. With delight she reported she's taken up bird watching. I admire her spunk and urge you to revel in what you can do and enjoy.

Having joy and bringing joy to others

One thing is absolutely true, if you are in a situation that is continually difficult and you can't find a way to make it better, then yes, you will be miserable. My job was to help people living in misery see options, despite their difficult circumstances. Clients would come to counseling usually after they had consulted with their family and friends and their friends and family didn't come up with any satisfying ideas. Counseling is all about solving the puzzle of their lives, finding numerous alternatives and solutions that are just waiting to be discovered to make things better.

Stopping the nagging critical voice

1. Become hyper aware of the negativity of your inner dialogue.
2. Be a firm but kind person to the internal childish bully.
3. Study exactly what you are saying to yourself.
4. Does the criticism make sense to you? If so, write down what the critical voice says.
5. Does this sound like something you believe about yourself? Would you talk like this to a beloved child?
6. If the criticism is valid, feel it for a good thirty seconds and then write an action list.
7. Action list must be carried out that day with no over analysis involved.
8. Pat yourself on the back for quick follow through and wallow in the sense of accomplishment.
9. When the critical voice in your head starts up the next day [and it probably will] sing, "I've got plenty of nothin'" and make fun of the voice. 
10. Get on with revelling in your new life of being an action figure.

In the past I once read a statement from an eminent psychologist who said "anyone who states that they just want to be happy is immature." Sounds like a critical voice to me, doesn't it?  I respectfully disagree. It is not always attainable for those going through horrible suffering, but it is an excellent goal for the majority of us. And why not shoot for happiness or even moments of joy? The rewards are vast. Show up to fight the internal bully and you will be happier. Besides, action heroes are adorable.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2015 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Good bye, fondly to 2014 and Hello to 2015!

Hooray for us, riding our bikes in the 28 degree heat wave today...

Time to ring in the new year and I know of no better way than ride with a bunch of equally crazy friends in 28 degree weather over seven miles to a delicious brunch.

Here is a pictoral walk around my year. The idea came from FB trying to do my year for me. No thanks, so here is my own view of the year in Washington state, San Francisco, Los Angeles,  Chicago and New York city. Much love to all.

They've Got Poochy and They're Gonna Hurt Him!

Throughout history in times of crisis people can either rise to the occasion and use their best judgement or they can descend into irrationality and fear and make atrocious mistakes. Nazi Germany and the people in that country come to mind in the latter category.

Our government in the hands of the already paranoid and ill informed CIA [WMD anyone?] also made atrocious decisions. In 2001 they hired two psychologists, James Mitchell and John Bruce Jessen and over six or so years paid them a total of $81 million dollars because they knew how to create "learned helplessness" in the Guantanamo captives. They convinced the Bush/Cheney administration that "it would be irresponsible not to hire them." In fact these psychologists had "no experience as interrogators and no special knowledge of al-Qaida, no background in counter terrorism."**  The CIA was smitten by their claim that learned helplessness could be created in the detainees and they believed the captives would readily spill their guts. 

What they failed to discover, all of these supposedly smart men, was that the study on learned helplessness was done by Martin Seligman in the 80's. Yes, the Martin Seligman who has spent his career studying "positive psychology". The irony: his learned helplessness study was one of the seminal studies proving the exact opposite conclusion: people can recover from it. I wrote about this study in my post of 11/14/2011:

Long ago, I read a pivotal study by Dr. Martin Seligman that positively influenced me. In the 1980’s his group of scientists performed an unkind experiment with dogs on “learned helplessness.” They  constructed a huge cage with an electrified  metal floor and shocked the dogs randomly until they just gave up, lay down in their cages and awaited the next jolt. They had induced despair. The story could have ended there, with a pack of highly neurotic dogs. However, these were scientists who had hearts as well as brains and they decided to see if they could help these dogs recover.

So, using sausages as rewards, they coaxed the dogs out of their pens. With some of the dogs it took as few as 10 times dragging them by the collar to the sausages, with others as many as 50 times, but ultimately all of the dogs recovered. I said to myself, "I think  perhaps I could help clients find the particular “sausage” that could coax them out of their own cages."

I used this study and positive psychology continually in my career to great satisfaction. I watched and aided people recover from trauma and as I mentioned, it sometimes did take quite a long time. To recover you need to use your heart as well as your brain.

The saddest fact in all of this is that the CIA, the greedy psychologists, and our government at the time, the Cheney/Bush administration, used this seminal study for evil instead of it's intended purpose---to aide in depressed people's recovery from the grim pit of depression. In other words they used the animal part of their brain, fight and fear instead of a more grounded rational, reasonable approach. No heart working there. In fact James Mitchell didn't object to the findings other than to defend his expertise even suggesting that the torture was better than using drones. How's that for scantimonious obsfuscation. 

Didn't the CIA or anyone in the government at that time bother to read the Seligman's learned helplessness study? Didn't they note somewhere in their investigation that Seligman was using dogs and not people? John McCain is a perfect example on how and why torture doesn't work. He was caged for six years and bravely never gave good information to his abusers.  Another example is the remarkable dear hero of Unbroken, Louis Zamperini who remained unbroken in the face of excruciating torture while a prisoner of war. Torture is disgusting and beneath our dignity as human beings. To condone it defies my comprehension. It is the lowest form of abuse and needs to be called out and eradicated.

For some people torturing humans seems only mildly upsetting which absolutely flummoxes me. Yet if you mentioned that a dog, horse, cat or animal is being tortured they go ballistic. Hence the title of my post today. Save Poochy! If you are one who condones torture and cannot work up a shred of compassion for the humans being tortured substitute your favorite animal. Makes a difference doesn't it?

I liked what Obama said back when he was running for office in 2008, "we [the US] do not used torture." He has been heartily backed up in this report [and all of the studies I've ever read] that proves over and over again, torture does not work. Just ask John McCain.

Today is a new day. We are better, finer than the dark period when Cheney/Bush were at the helm and the CIA had run amok. Let's today honor the John McCains, the Louis Zamperinis and all of the service personnel who have ever been in captivity and eradicate these hate crimes against humanity. 

*This quote was taken from a very good article in todays Seattle Times by Hal Bernton and Kyung M. Song

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

What the Heck

I imagine that the headache from the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius was profound

I got a pain in my head, running up the left side of my skull above the ear. It was sharp and recurring every minute or two, I timed it. This naturally lead me to secretly believe that I had a brain tumor and tragically was going to die a horrible death in a matter of days. Then I was lethargic and uninterested in drinking either wine or coffee which prompted me to believe that I was probably suffering from food poisoning and could expect to be puking or worse in a few short hours.

Prone

Finally I brilliantly realized  that if my husband had a cold and I was in direct contact with him, my symptoms may not be fatal [although they felt like it].

This is nothing special, it isn't even a complaint but since last Sunday when I received this present of a cold in my nose, I have been driving myself crazy. Instead of the steady drone of  'what if's' I decided to bring on the couch, the tea, the cough drops, the chicken soup and of course the kleenex. It takes a little thing like this to make me overwhelmed with gratitude that I am not one of the millions that are chronically sick. But I might mention that prior to the correct diagnosis of a simple cold I did catastrophize my plight.

Since it is quite chilly outside and the sun is blasting through our living room windows nicely warming the place, the set up is cozy and comfortable. I'll survive. I just thought you all should know. 

The picture of health

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

On the Bravery of Four Young Women

Great deeds are usually wrought at great risks.               Herodotus

Fortune favors the brave.                                              Virgil

I recently watched a documentary on "Pussy Riot" about the brave, fearless young women who stood up to the evil that Vladimir Putin is doing in Russia and in the Ukraine. Currently, no one is standing up to him and calling him out. In fact he is a thug and a criminal who has amassed a gigantic fortune to the tune of an estimated 41 billion dollars. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest this is not his salary. Instead this is the money he's stolen from the Russian nation. But Pussy Riot did something, they wrote and preformed inflammatory songs about the disgrace of Putin's reign. Nadya Tolokonnikova and Masha Alekhina are indeed human-rights advocates. They were tried and then imprisoned for just about two years until Putin was embarrassed into releasing them. Their crime: "making fun of religious people"---seriously.

Now Putin is invading Ukraine and beside these two young women where in the world are the leaders calling out this horrible bully?

Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation.            Susan B. Anthony

In our country another  two young women are making waves, demanding justice and creating havoc...among the universities of this country. Annie E. Clark and Andrea Pino challenged the colleges on how they are dealing with the sexual assault that regularly happens on their campuses. Both women broke with the tradition of not identifying victims of sexual assault and outed themselves. 

According to a report by Rebecca Johnson in Vogue magazine, "rape on campus in not new, one out of every five young women who attend college will, at some point be sexually assaulted." In doing research on the subject of sexual assault, Ms. Clark and Pino discovered a little known lever to aide in their crusade, Title IX. That law was created to insure that women's sports got fair treatment [and $] in the schools. The support came from the Obama administration's Russlynn Ali who in 2011 sent a letter to every university reminding them that "sexual violence is not only a crime but also a form of discrimination thus making it a violation of Title IX which guarantees equal access in education." Knowing that the penalty for violating Title IX is the withdrawal of federal funds, the young women had their lever.  Says Kirsten Gillibrand [New York Senator] who after listening to the young women at her office on Capitol Hill, "we need citizen activists to bring attention to these situations." In other words with the correct lever [withdrawal of funds] the campuses had to start, albeit reluctantly, to pay attention and stop the rampant sexual assaults on their turf.

There has been backlash and while not threatened with imprisonment like Pussy Riot, Anne and Andrea lives have been threatened. Their organization is 'End Rape on Campus' and they have been actively helping women file complaints and providing survivor support. 

Their activism has paid off. My husband and I were just in San Francisco and passed the university that had a banner across one of the entrance gates. On the banner was the Grim Reaper declaring that the school hadn't sufficiently enacted reforms against sexual assault. This is probably one of the 55 colleges under investigation by the Department of Education. Across the country there is now dialogue and the colleges have certainly been warned that sexual assaults will be taken seriously.

These are four extraordinary women who caught my attention for their bravery. This isn't a 'get rich quick scheme'. Clark and Pino confessed they are traveling the country by car and they still dress in clothes from the Goodwill. But they are amazing and all of us that care about the safety of our girls and women owe them a debt of gratitude. As for what you can do: cough up the dough and donate. Go to End Rape on Campus and then like their FB page.

 Every day you probably pass ordinary women who speaking up for their children, or who work two or three jobs to support their families, who volunteer to work for the homeless and that is bravery too. Today I just wanted to honor the women who have willingly not worried about their reputations and their social standing and did the thing they thought they couldn't do. Go sisters.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Please No More Dick Cheneys

Our country was sinking under the Bush/Cheney administration 

More than once I have been startled by something on the ground thinking---"it's a snake or an enormous spider!" only to discover, no silly, it's just a piece of yarn. I react and then laugh at my own foolishness. This seems hauntingly familiar as the voting season rolls around. 

It would be amusing if it were not so disturbing that there are ads trying to convince you that it's not a piece of yarn you see but a boa constrictor!. There are political ads suggesting that Mexico is sending people to this country who have Ebola. Seriously, who is dumb enough to believe that when there is no outbreak of Ebola in Mexico. Another suggestion in some political ads [in the south and southwest] is "Isis is working with the Mexican drug cartels". Doesn't this smack a bit of racism? Where is the droplet of proof for this ridiculous suggestion? These are probably the same dunderheads who were screaming at the immigrant children crossing the border, who were already frightened and alone. Children. Adults screaming and spewing their hatred. This is  abusive for sure, adolescent at best.

Speaking of adolescent, why do many people deny that climate change is happening? Is it because with climate change occurring they might have to change their ways? Change is difficult for most people and especially when it means giving up luxuries or cutting back on your behavior. Yet, fact: 97% of all scientists verify climate change and the 3 % doubters are suspected tools of the oil and gas companies. Sad to say, through peer pressure or plain ignorance, about 90% of the Republican party are climate change doubters.

So, what is the scariest thing to the Republican party: our country is doing well financially. Remember back to 2008 and the disastrous regime of the Bush administration: our country was an embarrassment to the world; we foolishly believed the WMD bit and Bush and Cheney started a costly war that had nothing to do with 9/11; Cheney egregiously profited from that war and nothing was done about his conflict of interest; our economy was just about toilet bound; banks were folding; jobs were lost at an alarming rate and people were losing their homes. Also remember that Osman bin Laden was "hiding" in Pakistan.  

This is what our President inherited when he came into office and all of this changed for the better during the Obama administration. Bin Laden is dead; the administration helped people secure home loans; job growth has been impressive; the banks were bailed out; the economy has rebounded; we are out of Iraq and soon Afghanistan and we have earned respect in the world. 

Republicans claim they can do a better job and want you to vote for them. What has been their most memorable, brilliant strategy to help us out of financial difficulties? Well, they decided to shut down the government in October of 2013. According to Steven Perlberg of Bloomberg "the shut down took $24 Billion dollars out of the US economy." I ask you, what good did that do us? I was in Philadelphia at the time and unable to see any of the historic sights. Millions of people in that tourist destination were laid off from their jobs, without pay because of this stupidity. This is just an example in one big city in our country, it happened in cities all over the United States. Do the math... This sounds like they took notes from Dick Cheney, doesn't it? Why would anyone even consider voting for a party that makes these kinds of financially obtuse decisions? Is that good fiscal management? 

Many of my readers would be surprised to read that I am a conservative---a fiscal conservative. Consider, our budget could be improved enormously by stopping corporate welfare ASAP. Social Security could be overhauled and made even more secure if it was used as it was designed: to help the less fortunate survive in old age. This would exclude giving money to the people like Warren Buffet, the Walmart Waltons; Oprah; Bill Gates; most entertainers and sports stars---you get my drift. People fortunate to make over a million a year would be required to pay in and receive no benefits. It should be considered a privilege to contribute to the security of older folks and the disabled rather that accept government money that any of the millionaires and billionaires clearly do not need. Next to further decrease the deficit we need to eliminate all the tax loop holes that allow the billionaires to go virtually tax free by putting their money in lands and businesses off shore. 

The greatest gift in this life is lending a hand to the needy

Sincerely, isn't it outrageous loop holes are exempt and social programs are being cut? 

What do I find startling? I am repulsed that Dick Cheney has gone free and not been charged with profiteering, sent to prison and required to pay back the billions he collected from the war in Iraq. Hey, they sent Martha Stewart to prison for profiting from insider trading but after all, she's only a woman. EEEEEK!

susansmagicfeather copyright 2014 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved

Kapow! Why Do Women Stay with Abusive Men?

This is how huge domestic violence  feels over one's head

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.      Confucius

When anyone is assaulted: verbally or physically, it is common to mentally get in a world of trouble and confusion. The mind reels from shock, scrambling to decipher what is happening. People from abusive homes mostly do one of two things: they freeze or flee. There is another healthier method which I will waltz you into as gracefully as I can.


Sad but true bullies [the abusers] revel in being on top, frightening people and creating confusion so they can seize the upper hand. [Think Vladimir Putin and Trump] They've learned that bullying has its own rewards: people become frightened and tend to do what the abuser says or wants. A really funny example of this is the dentist in "Little Shop of Horrors".  Steve Martin's over the top portrayal of a sadistic dentist and abusive bully certainly strikes a chord [a poor pun]. However, he perfectly skewers the stupidity of being a bully and he certainly gets his just desserts in the end. In real life abuse is anything but funny.

Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.  Anon.

Why on earth, you might ask, would a woman try to drop charges or defend the abuser, only certainly to have the terror continue? In three words: fear of reprisal. The people in abusive homes are living with  domestic terrorists. They are in essence being held captive and like the "the Stockholm syndrome" from the Patti Hearst case, they will defend and love their terrorists. Obviously this is not healthy love, healthy love is never based on fear. Instead, this is traumatic bonding. Yet, for years the abusive bully uses fear and intimidation with frighten looks, actions or gestures. Listen up: if you take a healthy dogs and abuse them, you are going to wind up with one of two creatures: a cowering, cringing animal or a vicious one. This is why it is not uncommon for men from abusive backgrounds to become abusive. Seemingly senselessness behavior [repeating the abuse] becomes their new reality.

Sadly, from the looks, actions and gestures the bullying escalates: her pretty things are destroyed [never his], he might mistreat the children and the animals, and sometimes brandishes weapons. He escalates, threatening her in every area of her life: financial, emotional and physical. Her self esteem plummets, the result is almost worse than the physical beatings. This is the soul shattering experience of having the person you love try, on purpose, to make you feel as bad about yourself as possible. Unbelievably, when I had my practice I  listened to many a woman cry, not for herself, but for how hard his life was and how sad his childhood was ad nauseum. Finally I'd ask, "OK, well what about you and the kids?" Silence-- then maybe some tears for the kids. A slim dawn of awareness would start and then we'd start the process of her facing the grim truth.

After a bit of coaching, she might come out of her own denial. She might even get brave enough to confront the bully on his violence and the terrible repercussions it's having on the family. Guess what? He'd minimize and deny that it's that bad. Worse, sometimes the culmination of the confrontation was he'd threaten to impoverish her and take the children away, her greatest fear. So, she backs down, all the way down into the morass of the cycle of abuse. Ironically, for a short while he'd be even nice to her, and this folks, is the honeymoon phase. After awhile something [almost always silly and petty] she does or says pisses him off and Kapow!

"Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety...the second stage is remembrance and mourning...the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life."   Judith Herman from Trauma and Recovery

As a psychotherapist my job was to help people suffering from any form of trauma to recover and reconnect with ordinary life. This could take months to years depending on the severity of abuse and trauma. That was also one of the reasons that I studied methods that produced rapid reduction from trauma, I wanted to ease the suffering ASAP. These therapies included but were not limited to EMDR [eye movement desenitization and reprocessing]; brief therapy; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own special eclectic art form of therapy which I modestly called the Grout method [a combination of anything that would work].

Here is roughly what I see as essential to recovery from abuse or traumatic experiences:

1. Work diligently toward the ability to respect, admire, love, trust and value yourself and spring forth from love in all of your dealings with yourself and others. [A bit flowery but I wrote this for workshops I did in the late '80's.]
2. Go to someone who is safe for you and start the process of telling what happened. [Therapist, a support group, priest, rabbi, shaman...]
3. Surround yourself with people who believe you and are supportive of your recovery from the violence.
4. Give yourself enough time to see if these persons are trustworthy and then inch forward for deeper secrets from your past that make you feel imprisoned.
5. Educate yourself on the best methods of recovery including the 12 Step programs, or any trustworthy group that has a history of success.
6. Establish a safe living environment, establish relationships that enhance you and your family.
7. Let go of people who strike fear into your heart no matter how attracted you are to them.
8. Face your grief and sorrow over what happened in the past with the knowledge that this too shall pass.
9. Be militant about letting go of repetitive destructive thoughts [the brain will to return to these thoughts because it's habituated for years to think this way].
10. Be willing to love without fear.
11. Be willing to challenge yourself.
12. Remember that life is a "cha-cha" and you will take a step backwards occasionally because you are human, keep dancing.
13. Forgive yourself, and do make amends to the ones that you have hurt.
14. The truth is: no one is better than you and no one is worse than you.
15. Be judicious prior to being open with people.
16. Learn to value your opinions.
17. Never forget that the abuse/trauma happened but be willing to forgive. Even the Jews had to come to this conclusions about the Holocaust.

Revel in the beauty in the world

Another one of my dictums about life is to find something amusing each day, and to commit to staying loving and open. None of us are victims of our pasts, move ahead, the day is wide and open, don't go back to sleep, dance forward.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.