Kapow! Why Do Women Stay with Abusive Men?

This is how huge domestic violence  feels over one's head

The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right name.      Confucius

When anyone is assaulted: verbally or physically, it is common to mentally get in a world of trouble and confusion. The mind reels from shock, scrambling to decipher what is happening. People from abusive homes mostly do one of two things: they freeze or flee. There is another healthier method which I will waltz you into as gracefully as I can.


Sad but true bullies [the abusers] revel in being on top, frightening people and creating confusion so they can seize the upper hand. [Think Vladimir Putin and Trump] They've learned that bullying has its own rewards: people become frightened and tend to do what the abuser says or wants. A really funny example of this is the dentist in "Little Shop of Horrors".  Steve Martin's over the top portrayal of a sadistic dentist and abusive bully certainly strikes a chord [a poor pun]. However, he perfectly skewers the stupidity of being a bully and he certainly gets his just desserts in the end. In real life abuse is anything but funny.

Nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it.  Anon.

Why on earth, you might ask, would a woman try to drop charges or defend the abuser, only certainly to have the terror continue? In three words: fear of reprisal. The people in abusive homes are living with  domestic terrorists. They are in essence being held captive and like the "the Stockholm syndrome" from the Patti Hearst case, they will defend and love their terrorists. Obviously this is not healthy love, healthy love is never based on fear. Instead, this is traumatic bonding. Yet, for years the abusive bully uses fear and intimidation with frighten looks, actions or gestures. Listen up: if you take a healthy dogs and abuse them, you are going to wind up with one of two creatures: a cowering, cringing animal or a vicious one. This is why it is not uncommon for men from abusive backgrounds to become abusive. Seemingly senselessness behavior [repeating the abuse] becomes their new reality.

Sadly, from the looks, actions and gestures the bullying escalates: her pretty things are destroyed [never his], he might mistreat the children and the animals, and sometimes brandishes weapons. He escalates, threatening her in every area of her life: financial, emotional and physical. Her self esteem plummets, the result is almost worse than the physical beatings. This is the soul shattering experience of having the person you love try, on purpose, to make you feel as bad about yourself as possible. Unbelievably, when I had my practice I  listened to many a woman cry, not for herself, but for how hard his life was and how sad his childhood was ad nauseum. Finally I'd ask, "OK, well what about you and the kids?" Silence-- then maybe some tears for the kids. A slim dawn of awareness would start and then we'd start the process of her facing the grim truth.

After a bit of coaching, she might come out of her own denial. She might even get brave enough to confront the bully on his violence and the terrible repercussions it's having on the family. Guess what? He'd minimize and deny that it's that bad. Worse, sometimes the culmination of the confrontation was he'd threaten to impoverish her and take the children away, her greatest fear. So, she backs down, all the way down into the morass of the cycle of abuse. Ironically, for a short while he'd be even nice to her, and this folks, is the honeymoon phase. After awhile something [almost always silly and petty] she does or says pisses him off and Kapow!

"Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety...the second stage is remembrance and mourning...the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life."   Judith Herman from Trauma and Recovery

As a psychotherapist my job was to help people suffering from any form of trauma to recover and reconnect with ordinary life. This could take months to years depending on the severity of abuse and trauma. That was also one of the reasons that I studied methods that produced rapid reduction from trauma, I wanted to ease the suffering ASAP. These therapies included but were not limited to EMDR [eye movement desenitization and reprocessing]; brief therapy; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and my own special eclectic art form of therapy which I modestly called the Grout method [a combination of anything that would work].

Here is roughly what I see as essential to recovery from abuse or traumatic experiences:

1. Work diligently toward the ability to respect, admire, love, trust and value yourself and spring forth from love in all of your dealings with yourself and others. [A bit flowery but I wrote this for workshops I did in the late '80's.]
2. Go to someone who is safe for you and start the process of telling what happened. [Therapist, a support group, priest, rabbi, shaman...]
3. Surround yourself with people who believe you and are supportive of your recovery from the violence.
4. Give yourself enough time to see if these persons are trustworthy and then inch forward for deeper secrets from your past that make you feel imprisoned.
5. Educate yourself on the best methods of recovery including the 12 Step programs, or any trustworthy group that has a history of success.
6. Establish a safe living environment, establish relationships that enhance you and your family.
7. Let go of people who strike fear into your heart no matter how attracted you are to them.
8. Face your grief and sorrow over what happened in the past with the knowledge that this too shall pass.
9. Be militant about letting go of repetitive destructive thoughts [the brain will to return to these thoughts because it's habituated for years to think this way].
10. Be willing to love without fear.
11. Be willing to challenge yourself.
12. Remember that life is a "cha-cha" and you will take a step backwards occasionally because you are human, keep dancing.
13. Forgive yourself, and do make amends to the ones that you have hurt.
14. The truth is: no one is better than you and no one is worse than you.
15. Be judicious prior to being open with people.
16. Learn to value your opinions.
17. Never forget that the abuse/trauma happened but be willing to forgive. Even the Jews had to come to this conclusions about the Holocaust.

Revel in the beauty in the world

Another one of my dictums about life is to find something amusing each day, and to commit to staying loving and open. None of us are victims of our pasts, move ahead, the day is wide and open, don't go back to sleep, dance forward.

susansmagicfeather copyright 2017 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.