Small Town Therapist on Raising Responsible Teens

It is good and important for our kids to take on mature tasks as little ones and as teens. Susan Grout

The amount of satisfaction you get from life depends largely on your own ingenuity, self-sufficiency and resourcefulness.  People who wait around for life to supply their satisfaction usually find boredom instead.                          Dr. William Menninger 

On a suggestion from Anna Quindlen's newspaper column I read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith. This was a hole in my education that needed to be filled. The book depicts the harsh times of one poor family around the turn of the last century. We follow one young lady, Francie from ages 11 to 17. It is labeled as fiction but so much of the book is autobiographical that the truth flies off the pages. This young woman, Betty Smith led a hard scrabble life and redeemed her difficult situation through education, and when she had to quit school to help support the family, by reading and hard work. Her diligence was impressive, and it paid off. 

Take a mental, quick walk with me through the centuries. You'll find most children and especially teenagers had very difficult lives, especially by today's standards. In fact, until recently in this country many children had to leave school to work and help support the family. This was true of the protagonist, Francie mentioned above, and this was also true of my own grandfather, Webster McHenry. Then when and where they did work, the children were working in deplorable conditions. There were no child labor laws, they worked 60 to 80 hours a week and were paid poorly. It wasn't until FDR's first term in the White House in the 1930's that child labor laws were enacted. In this century things have gotten better, certainly not because of the charity of the bosses, but due to legislation that big business fought against tooth and nail.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.                                                 Fredrick Douglass 

Stating the obvious, the ease that most of our teens today are being raised is in stark contrast to the children of a century ago. Yes, this is indeed a blessing yet sometimes their character suffers for these cushier circumstances. I keep asking myself, "what are we promoting in these children?" Since the burdens for most children have lightened up considerably this should be heralded as good news but sometimes the burdens are lightened to an absurd degree. That's what I'm concerned about. 

There are misguided parents who go completely overboard pushing and basically overdoing everything for their child. It's been called 'helicopter parenting'. Please remember, this isn't for the benefit of the child, this is all about the star-shine for the parent. I remember reading years ago in a book, The Road Less Traveled, in which Scott Peck described a mother who drove her son to school each day because she was afraid for him to take the bus. She described her actions as loving. This was a boy in high school. That's not love, it's teaching him to be fearful and dependent.

If parents really cared primarily for their teen's maturity, they would be concerned about enriching them. This would emphasize encouraging the teen to be capable of doing rudimentary tasks for themselves. Examples abound: doing the family's laundry; help cooking meals; procuring and working at a summer job; finding joy in volunteering; learning to file a tax return; filling out college applications; cleaning their room; cleaning the bathroom; being responsible for a checkbook; know what a debit card actually means; how to earn and manage money; taking care of younger children; knowing how to study; learning how to do research; how to navigate in a city; how to read a map; learning what it means to be a good citizen and the value of loving kindness in everyday life. All of this is what I would hope that the average American teen would be capable of. Instead...

These days it is not unusual for parents to never require their teen to help around the house or be responsible for a pet or even a younger sibling. These parents even go so far as to write their kid's college essays. That's not all. I have been told by teachers that the parents call the schools for special exemptions and privileges for their child then they yell at the teachers if the kids aren't getting a grade A on their work. I have witnessed them giving their kids expensive cars to drive to high school. These teens are never required to have summer jobs, and this is particularly sad because a job would be an excellent way to start them on the road to being self-sufficient. 

I ask you, what is all of this over protectiveness/overcompensation teaching the child? One answer is: "you can't possibly do this for yourself, I must step in assist" and that folks, is infantilization, treating a perfectly capable person like an infant. No wonder we have a rash of prolonged adolescence. These parents need to stop defining themselves by their children's achievements and to be less anxious about the way their teen chooses to achieve. As I see it this is not helping either of them to mature. My hope and requests are for the parents to be less indulgent and expect the teen to be more diligent, respectful and caring. This is the hallmark of maturity: taking responsibility for one's self for the sake of their own [and our] future. Lazy indulged teens are the last thing we need to keep our country strong. An excellent goal is to aim to raise good citizens and caring adults.

 

If you will call your troubles experiences and remember that every experience develops some latent force within you, you will grow vigorous and happy, however adverse your circumstances may seem to be.                                     John R. Miller

For of those to whom much is given, much is required.                                     John F. Kennedy 

While I'm trying to understand this overindulgence on the part of the parents I do realize the world is a more difficult place than it was when I was a teen. For one thing there is easy access to a wild variety of drugs that just wasn't part of my experience. Violence, guns, were not so omni-present and things moved at a much slower pace. Also, the world for my generation was more affordable. With summer jobs and only a bit of assistance financially from my parents I was able to pay for much of my college education. Gone are those days. Then there is global warming, climate change, oy vey!

When I was a kid my parents moved around a lot---but I always found them.                                                    Rodney Dangerfield

I grew up in a mostly happy home, one of six kids. Although mostly happy our parents did have trials and tribulations. Being one of the oldest much more was expected of me and now I appreciate that, and even the benign neglect of my parents. I had to do a lot for myself and for my family. Looking back, even the rotten experiences I had as a teen have been useful in my life--- as life lessons. 

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout