Small Town Therapist on Inadequacy

 

People will lie on their backs, talking about the fall of humans, and never make an effort to get up.                           my take on the oft quoted               Henry David Thoreau

Tell us your phobias and we'll tell you what you're afraid of.                        Robert Benchley

As ridiculous as it seems, especially to a smarty pants therapist like me, one of my favorite phobias is: I can never do enough. The feeling that I'm falling short, is my own personal brand of inadequacy. Who's to blame? It's always very popular to cite my Catholic school upbringing. The Catholic church taught me to proclaim, from the time I had my First Holy Communion, "through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault." At age six I never questioned, nor understood that statement and I figured it was probably correct---it was  my fault. I'm still asking 'for what?' is it my fault? Anything and everything it seems. Ouch times one hundred. 

Christmas time always brings that 'fault' to the forefront of my mind. How can I make absolute sure that I've given enough, delighted enough, served enough, been charitable enough? I can't seem to shake the feeling that I could be doing more, better, my best. Ugh. The solution is to take myself firmly by my mind and confront my seeming inadequacies with humor and compassion. Mother Theresa and St. Francis of Assisi I am not, and will probably never will be, but I secretly think I should be.  

Does having a belief that I can never do enough have any benefits? Why, yes it does. I love to make people happy and comfortable and laugh. That's the 'hostess with the mostest' mentality which works great by the way, in the service industry. Remember I'm from a restaurant family and my Dad was just that. Bob Ricketts was the host, the owner---who never forgot a name of a customer, served all elegant and delicious food and as a bonus made them laugh with his incredible ebullient personality and wit. That kind of talent and charm certainly put the thought in my mind that being the charming host was not just a nice aside but an actual necessity. Striving ever striving. I also think most of my siblings have this imprinted in their mentality as well.

So what's the big deal if I do fall short? What if someone is disappointed in Christmas, their birthday, their graduation, etc. etc. Ah here's the rub! I always used to tell my clients to "let go of other people's feelings." [thanks to Laurie for that one] Tragically I'm falling short of my own dictum. Horrors. Guess what I need is a softening on myself, requiring that I do the best I can and let go of how my recipients of my efforts feel about: receiving their presents, meals, good wishes, or loving care. I'll take that thought and add a deep cleansing breath to aid in letting go. Sounds reasonable and simple, huh? Doing with commitment next.

There's a upside to having the expectation of bringing delight to others: it brings delight to me to please others. So honestly this is a somewhat selfish flaw, I do love giving for the joy it gives to me. I'll just have to cool my jets on how others are receiving my joy machine.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout