Swept Away! It Wasn't My Fault!

The biggest excuse makers and whiners that I have dealt with in my practice are the men who have been arrested for domestic violence. Here is a typical, worst case scenario: when men who've lost control of their tempers are confronted about this in therapy, they usually blame their wife or children.  He'd say, "She started it, she asked me about my job when I got home from work and she knows that I don't like that."  I'd say, "So you hit her, in front of the children?" "Yeah, but I wouldn't have if she'd only shut up and leave me alone about the job." "Not so fast buddy, your feelings are your slaves," I'd say despite his murderous look my way. Sometimes counseling is not for the faint of heart. But as you know, my vow is to "tell the truth and run."

In the 1980's I was doing l lot of work with the domestic violent offenders and their families and also I was doing workshops with my therapist pal Laurie. We wanted solutions, not just talk and so we'd delight the participants with many therapy tips. The title of the workshops was "Self Parenting" and our purpose was to help the participants do just that, parent themselves in a loving, mature fashion. The participants at this workshop needed to recover from their childhoods or other traumas and face life wisely. Laurie and I found that often many of these people were so stunted from their childhoods, that they'd embrace the roles they fell into as children and stay hopelessly stuck. [See the post on these roles "The Road To Well Is Paved Wit Good Intentions" of  May 6, 2012] We had many remedies for breaking free from old stuck patterns. We loved watching our participants make the great "ah-ha" connections in a mere week end. Of the many tips we gave them, the one tip that elicited the most discussion and controversy was--"your feelings are your slaves." "Huh?" they'd say, "what does that mean?"

Many of us were raised in households where feelings either weren't permitted or they lorded over the house causing all kinds of fear and chaos. "Your feelings are your slaves" means precisely that you can choose how you're going to respond to whatever life hands you, not just react. [Or more truthfully, overreact] To many this was an eye opener and an entirely new concept, respond? not react? We were my no means urging people to suppress all feelings, nor were we suggesting that they were to indulge every last feeling. Instead it's a studied and practiced method, to size up the situation in seconds, take a deep breath and respond in a genuine helpful manner.

Responding to whatever life dishes out, of course,varies wildly to the circumstances. If you've just heard that a loved one has died, you might indulge your grief and throw yourself on the ground and wail like a baby. However, if your children are in the room you might not have the luxury of doing this since it would scare the pants off of them. The mature response is to be there for the child and do your grieving in a more measured way. It truly sucks, but that's life. [I give myself as an example of this, with the post on "Be Careful What You Ask For" of 4/19/11.]

There is not a more romantic notion than being "swept away," a veritable slave to one's feelings. I am here to report that many, many clients have used this notion to justify having an affair. The very unglamorous answer to this very human attraction is to first level with your partner [more, "tell the truth and run" therapy]. Then examine your conscience and decide if the ugly truth is that there's something is wrong in your life or the marriage.

There isn't a more blissful escape from reality than falling in love. [Most of the time it's really falling in lust.] Granted, there are a few exceptions, but most of the people who are having affairs are trying to change their lives. What do they choose to do? They start by blowing it up.  Too bad, and unfortunately too common, there are people in their wake, and they too are "swept away" in the explosion.

Desire and fear hold us in bondage to time, and detachment breaks the bond.                  Simone Weil

Once a long time ago I saw a greeting card that had an enormous foot on its cover. I opened it up and all it said was, "it's bigger than the both of us." Sometimes this is true, someone has married the wrong person, both are miserable or unsuited to each other. Then, someone appears on the horizon who is seemingly perfect, someone who will solve all their problems, and this feels---well, bigger than the both of you. The tendency is to immediately give into being swept away. Ah, swept away with all of those fabulous endorphins racing your through your brain, bliss. STOP, this is when, in my humble opinion, counseling comes in handy. Instead of reacting and acting foolishly,  you need to respond to this attraction as if it's a crisis. Talk to someone you trust and sort out the good, the bad and the ugly. Take a time out and take the time to take responsibility for all of your feelings and make your decisions based on love, kindness and loyalty. Stay awake and aware, know what you know and see what you see, then come to a decision with consciousness.

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you,

Don't go back to sleep.

You can ask for what you really want

Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill

where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and opened,

Don't go back to sleep.

Rumi     13th century

susansmagicfeather copyright 2012 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved