Small town Therapist on Forgiveness

"He who cannot forgive others destroys the bridge over which he himself must pass."
George Herbert

"Don't find fault, find a remedy."
Henry Ford

"Nothing on earth consumes a man more completely than the passion of resentment."
Friedrich Nietzsche


Many years ago I was in a dance troupe, dancing for a charity event. Into this event walked an older man who was quite inebriated. He was the partner of an elderly woman I was seeing in counseling. After we'd finished our dance routine and came out to circulate with the crowd, he came up to me and said, "I want you to leave Mary* alone."

I tried to ignore him, hoping he would go away. He didn't and said, "If you won't I'm going to do something about it."

I was furious but it looked like he was leaving so I turned my attention to my friends. Moments later he came back into the hall with a shotgun. He yelled, "Leave her alone!"

His friends grabbed him and took the gun away, yet he was still ranting and raving. They hustled him out of the hall and we called the sheriff.

I should have been afraid but instead I was ready to go 10 rounds with him. My faithful husband at my side calmed me. It was only later, as I lay sleepless and shaking in bed that it struck me how potentially dangerous that was. He was an old drunk and I was threatening to get his lady friend sober. Bad combo: an angry drunk with a gun. I shutter to think about the reality today. With all the assault weapons now brandished and used I would have probably been killed.

Unsure what to do we went to see a lawyer friend who told us that since he had not touched me we could only really have a "Peace Bond" attached to him. I wisely suggested to the lawyer, "this might only draw attention to his anger and he may have even been in a black out". Fortunately some part of that was true and he never did threaten me again. I however was internally seething for quite sometime. I was attending Al Anon at the time and decided to stop fretting, put my program into action and turn my attention to my little boys who were in grade school at the time. 

We had a wonderful summer and then toward the end of the summer I got invited to visit my sister's family. I was taking the boys with me, leaving my poor husband to his work. I was excited to see my sister and fussing with all the last minute details involved with going on a trip.  As I was driving through our town, I waving to everyone, about to pick up my boys from the  school playground. I turned one corner in the car and smiled and waved at an elderly gentleman. Yes, it was that man. Granted it was accidental, but I really laughed. Months ago he was ready to kill me and I was ready to punch his lights out, but time had passed and so had my resentment. I let it go when I realized he didn't matter at all to my happy trip or my life for that matter. I could only control myself and my attitude, not him.  It was a good lesson I learned that year.

In my long career of counseling, I knew the two most difficult positions that a persons can adopt in their life is being paranoid and holding grudges. The true paranoid person rarely comes into counseling, mostly they are forced in by the court system or by some unfortunate partner who is saddled with them. More typically, the person before me is wrapped up in some form of resentment.  My method of letting go of resentments and anger toward someone who has wronged them are many and varied. I chose one of the many methods for a favorite client who had a bothersome resentment. From her story, her ex husband was clearly an alcoholic and I sent her forthwith to the Al Anon program. She gained so many skills through the program and was progressing nicely except in her dealings with her former husband. Back she came to counseling. She was enraged and resentful for all the times he destroyed what could have been wonderful times, the times he disappointed his children, the money he wasted, his lack of responsibility, etc. etc. Good reasons, every single one, to be resentful. But the cost! This resentment was eating her up and consuming her days and nights with the obsessive and repetitive thoughts. 

We worked on "gratitude can change your attitude", let go and let God, let go of other people's feelings, and one day at a time. Nothing could seemingly shake loose her righteous indignation of the wrongs done to her and her children and this was a year after she divorced. New ideas were clearly needed so I did what I always do when I am stumped--- bibliotherapy. I recommend that she read Frederick Luskin's book, Forgive for Good. I went off on vacation and I didn't see her for a month after that last session, and when I did she said, "I am so much happier, I can sleep at night and I'm getting along well with my ex."

Wow, one little book produced all of this!  Here is the essence from the book on what Luskin calls the nine steps and I will summarize:

 Nine Steps

1. Know how you feel about the incident [s] and what was wrong. Tell  several safe people what happened.
2. Make a strong commitment to yourself to do whatever it is to feel better. 
3. Reconciliation may not be possible [especially with someone who was abusive]. Luskin says, "forgiveness can be defined as the peace of understanding...taking the life experience less personally and changing your grievance story."
4. Your primary upset is coming from the thoughts, [often obsessive] hurt feelings and physical involvement that is intruding on your life now. "Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings."
5. Learn how to use relaxation techniques to soothe yourself when upset.
6. "Give up expecting things from other people that they do not choose to give you." Let go of other people's feelings and take care of yourself religiously.
7. Focus on getting your positive goals met rather than endlessly focusing on what has hurt you. Can you use this hurt experience for good?
8. "Forgiveness is about personal power." Empower the positive gifts in your life, "Learn to look for love, beauty and kindness around you."
9. "Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive."*  *

One of the many important lessons that we are learning from brain research is that the brain will keep on metaphorically tearing open a scab because it believes this is what we want it to do. When you obsess it literally makes a groove in the brain. This fact is also true with people who have repetitive pain long past the time that they should have healed. The brain will even recruit other parts of the brain to jump in on the hurt, physical or emotional. It is important to know that the only way to get over something, especially that which is being obsessed about it, is to interject something wholly new. Give the brain a chance to get out of the rut it has made and on to a new path. Complexity for flexibility and liberality of the mind. Viva! More information on this subject is explained in depth in the tome, The Brain that Heals Itself by Norman Doidge. I repeat, bibliotherapy is a great way to enable people to change the way they are thinking and behaving.

I never dreamed I was making a 'Heroic choice' to forgive, I just knew it felt a hell of a lot better not to have that old drunk in my head.

* Mary is a not her real name

** are Stephen Luskin quotes

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout