I'll Let You Go --the Grace of A Happy Death

"Seems to me it wasn't all that long ago that when an OLD PERSON DIED  the UNDERTAKER put him in a COFFIN,  and then you sent FLOWERS  to the FUNERAL HOME where the MORTICIAN  held the WAKE. Then after the FUNERAL,  they put him in a HEARSE  and DROVE him to the CEMETERY, where the BURIED  his BODY in a GRAVE.
Now when a SENIOR CITIZEN PASSES AWAY, he is placed in a BURIAL CONTAINER and you send FLORAL TRIBUTES  to the  SLUMBER ROOM  where the GRIEF THERAPIST  supervises the VIEWING. After the MEMORIAL SERVICE,  the  FUNERAL COACH TRANSPORTS THE DEPARTED   to the GARDEN OF REMEMBRANCE, where his EARTHLY REMAINS  are INTERRED  in their  FINAL RESTING PLACE."  George Carlin

The above is not a scolding, but a mere reminder that we have sanitized death and dying sometimes to a very silly level and George was willing to make fun of that. Wouldn't be better, more real, if we just talked bluntly about death and dying?

In grade school most of us loved to solve riddles and one I remember was, "what does a housewife search for and hates to find?"--- Dust.  Another, more modern riddle, "what do most of us avoid examining and must experience"?--- Death. Ashes to ashes dust to dust, a modern day riddle solved.

A couple of months prior to her death, my sister Sally overheard my Mom say to one of her friends on the phone, "my daughter is with me and then the rest of them [me and my siblings] are coming to watch me die, isn't that sweet?" Sally really laughed and gleefully told us this remark.  Mom toward the end of her life was overt and candid about her impending "ashes to ashes" experience. I do not believe I ever heard her utter the popular phrase "passed on" about any of her friends who died before her or  about her own death. In her apartment complex, anyone she would meet would ask her how she was getting along and she'd say, "my life is ebbing away". Since most the of inquirers were approximately her age, they would just nod knowingly, and push their walkers away at a glacial clip. By contrast, the younger people would invariably say something like, "O, Jane you look great," stumbling all over themselves to deny the truth what was right there before their eyes. She did have fire in her eyes and always that witty remark but she was so greatly diminished in her last year.

Being in an old people's home really brings your mind around to how precious a healthy and active life is. Some of the people residing there had few visitors and this was an up scale place that went all out for their residents. I believe it is because no one wants to look at the end of life, especially the thoughts of our own impermanence.
I can't say I blame anyone for not wanting to examine their own death, or as Woody Allen said, "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." And currently in our society we keep death as a secret as possible with our over emphasis on youth, eternal youth, everlasting youth, we do not want to be there when death happens, at all. In my work I promote living fully until the last breath of life with love and joy all around. However, wonder if one of your last experiences is in a country that is having an earthquake, a tsunami, radioactive fallout? Wonder if you contract a particularly virulent form of cancer? How would you be, how would you want to be? I remember many years ago reading in  James Clavell's Shogun, the warriors would prepare themselves each morning with "today is a good day to die". That is how we all should be preparing for our own deaths, daily, with grace, wisdom, awareness and humor. I realize that finding something tranquil or humorous in painful illness is a reach, but the discipline of keeping calm, being meditative, can serve us well.

In my field, Psychology, in past twenty years, there has been a refreshing embracing of the art of "mindfulness" and meditation. Many studies have shown that the simple act of being still and letting the thoughts in your head roll on by without grabbing them with a choke hold has a remarkably palliative effect. I am a type A+ person, love to and need to move, so even though I have practiced a form of meditation for over 25 years I am still fairly lousy at it. Below is the handy dandy method I espouse.

1. Forget what you have been told about meditation, you do not have to be holy, mindless or even sitting up. So instead I would like to introduce:
2. "The Cheater's Method of Meditation".
3. Plan to wake up 15-20 minutes before you have to get up and get going.
4. Go to the bathroom and then get back in bed.
5. Lay on your back, rotate your arms so that your palms are facing up to the ceiling.
6. Let the thoughts in your head just go. Do not grab them.
7. If this feels too difficult, just allow yourself to calmly breath. Watch the breath. [Turning the palms up like that interferes with falling back to sleep.]
8. Do this daily, aim for 15-20 minutes. Even five minutes can improve your day immeasurably, it could be a good day to die.  

I have been happily engaged in this form of meditation for years and truly enjoy the peace and the settling in that comes with it.

This last year was a big one with Mom dying and the meditation practice has been invaluable. It helped with the times I spent with Mom and afterwords dealing with her death. She said to me the last time that I saw her, "you know Susan, you are helping me die and this is something that you will remember all your life." She died gracefully with her daughters at her bedside. She talked about helping my Grandmother through her last days. Mom was holding her hand and GG leaned over to her and said, "let's run away together." Then she died, running to, hopefully, a lovely place.

Mom would always end each phone conversation the same way, "I'll let you go." And now on a daily basis I am letting her go, with love and gratitude. Amen

magicfeather copyright 2011 Susan R. Grout all rights reserved.