Small Town Therapist on Know What You Know

                                                                                                                               We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.                          Will Rogers 

Lately my thoughts are turning to clients that I've worked with in the past that were not successful in letting go of something or someone that was not good, caring or healthy for them. Yes, sometimes it was due to the client having an addiction, or an abusive childhood that left them with an unconscious dictum that tells them "you don't deserve love". I realize these days this dictum would also include people who have been continually lied to--- which is a form of abuse and gaslighting.  

What stimulated these thoughts was my struggle to finish Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte. What's personally interesting for me was breaking one of my "rules" in reading this book.  I have to either love or admire the characters, and in WH I neither loved or admired any of the characters. The only characters in WH that were even minimally appealing were the narrators, not the main characters. Despite this I plowed on because I'd just watched the film 'Emily' which was a lovely film about the life of Emily Bronte and I thought I should probably read her only book. 

I started reading the prologue only when I'd read more than half of the book. I didn't  want to be overly influenced or prejudiced by what was happening in the book with the prologue writer's opinion. This writer analyzed the plot, the pacing, the fame and why this book remains popular more than 175 years after it's publication. What really got me questioning the wisdom of some of her analysis was when she posed the questioned "Heathcliff: was he a hero or a villain?"  Gee, let's see, in the book Wuthering Heights , Heathcliff is a man who was the victim of child abuse and neglect. He suffered hard knocks perhaps even living homeless for years on the streets of London. His appearance at age 14 years old is left as a mystery by Bronte. Supposedly brought home to the family [with no explanation] from London by the father of the household. Was he a cousin? An illegitimate son? It's suggested he'd been treated like the children in Oliver Twist, the 1836 novel  by Charles Dickens about the deplorable way the English businessmen treated the children who worked for them. Yes, Dickens should know because Charles Dickens was one of the children abused by that system. Unlike Heathcliff he turned out to be a fine, although not a perfect man, but to his credit a non violent man who had a big family he took care of. So Dickens despite his rotten childhood was more of a hero.

All of this is most probably true for Heathcliff I'm guessing he had a nightmarish childhood.  Was he grateful to his new father and home for rescuing him? Not in the slightest. He wasn't treated all that well and was further taken advantage of. He only connected with the twelve year old Catherine [who most assuredly clapped as he walked by] and he developed an obsessive love for Catherine. Heathcliff was violent, self absorbed, obsessed with revenge and yes, devastatingly handsome. So Heathcliff more of a villain.

Know what you know, see what you see.                            Susan R. Grout

I kept asking myself what makes this fictional character so compelling to some women? They swoon over his description and his nature which included his black, black moods. He had all the hallmarks of being clinically depressed and, because he actually cared for no one but himself, was probably a sociopath. The only reason he cared for Catherine was for what she could give him, clap, clap, clap. So my question to all of you is---what in God's name recommends him to the female readers who fall under his spell? Is the handsome, violent, brooding type someone to desire? I guess so. This is love based on fear.  Even though he's a fictional character some women sadly fall in love with this type of dark bully. As these women clients would pour out their tale of woe, on how difficult it is loving a man who's a sociopath, I'd sigh and try my best to awaken these women. I'd say, "consider or even imagine, living life with someone who is never threatening, and is reliable, loving and caring."  Then I'd add "this is not an easy task in any sense of the word but entirely possible, there are kind loving men out there."

I suddenly realized as I'm writing this I've also had one female client who was basically a female form of Heathcliff.  She would find the kindest, sweetest men and basically steal their hearts and their money. I'd see the remains of the man who'd been lured by her incredible sex appeal [I guess to them] and promises [false] of her care and concern for   them.  All lies. She basically believed her own con. After her third marriage proposal, with her accepting their rings and money and then dumping them, finally the word got around in her small town that she was not to be trusted. Only of of her victims had the temerity to confront her. He told me, 

"I asked her to go for a walk after she broke up with me. As we walked I said to her: remember, I never called you a bitch or a loathsome person or a despicable human being!" She demurely answered, "no you never did."

"Then I left."  He continued, "so I got the to finally say the truth, that she was all of those things. I said, I 'never' but I got to call her all those names, even if she didn't realize it." He made me laugh at his cleverness.

I lost touch with her and wonder if she'd be on husband number five by now. I used to say to my clients both male and female, "know what you know, see what you see" also, "watch their actions not their words." Their actions will tell you all you need to know about them, believe what you see.

Cheerfulness keeps up a kind of daylight in the mind, filling it with a steady and perpetual serenity.    Joseph Addison

Thinking about men who are kind and heroes I was remembering my Grandfather. My Grandma used to say, "it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man." This was dubious advice to my sisters and me--- which none of us took and in fact, advice she didn't take herself. My grandfather was by no means rich and he was a bit taciturn but did love her and all of us with care and concern. He especially loved my mother who he always called "Lady Jane". Grandma's marriage was somewhat tumultuous, [he'd say "Florence, if I say black--you'd say white"] but they did have a long marriage, mostly happy. My Grandmother's saving grace was she was cheerful and really funny. Cheerful and amusing can make up for a bunch of sins, especially of being argumentative.

Small Town Therapist on the Best Revenge

Eleanor got even in a way that was almost cruel...she forgave them.      Ralph McGill on Eleanor Roosevelt

It's far  easier to forgive an enemy after you've gotten even with them.                                                                                                       Olin Miller

 My husband and I were very distressed and saddened when a bully House Sparrow forced our tiny Bewicks Wrens to abandon their nest by sheer unmitigated harassment. Worse when Mr. G opened the now abandon bird house there were five teeny blue eggs. Ah nature. Though so sad I said to myself "that's nature and nature can be cruel." My husband's response was, "next time I'm going to stand under that nest and harass the House Sparrow." It made me laugh because, well, I was passive and he was aggressive. I'm going to vote for passive in some circumstances, it sits easier on the mind. Always? Heavens no.

 

One of the examples of  'heavens no!' is when here is abuse in the picture. Standing up to anyone who is abusive is imperative even if it's as weak as "it makes me uncomfortable when you talk to______________ that way." The fill in the blank can be a child, a pet, a woman who has been verbally threatened by a bully. Yes, there is a chance that the bully will then turn on you-- I realize that. It happened to me years ago. I was counseling an abused woman when suddenly  her husband crashed the appointment. He started threatening me, yelling. I stood up to him--- who was approximate a foot taller than me. No match. But I stood up to protect my client [not wise, I realize] but happily for me another therapist, a man and my friend was across the hall and came to my defense. In a very commanding way he told the husband "you're way out of line and you need to leave immediately." Thankfully that ended the abuse and yes, I was shaken after the husband left. In retrospect I could have gotten hurt if my fellow, male therapist across the hall had not intervened. But I would do it again.  Because my belief is to shy away from witnessing bullying [abuse] is plain and simple cowardly. 

In extremis, call in the authorities if you are bullied! [This was decades before the availability of cell phones which would have helped and also decades away from the dangerous and ridiculous proliferation of guns.] I guess I was lucky to have the man across the hall. The "authorities" can simply be: a person bigger than you; a bystander; the playground aides; the sheriff; etc. All of us need back up when bullied or abused. This is a sacred duty as far as I'm concerned. You can be kind and insistent but often with bullies this is ineffective.

The idea of  revenge was in a small way on my mind after we had that hateful bully bird. Then I was reading about all the horrible, abusive big things that humans do to each other. Here's a list of some of the awfulness: shootings of innocent people; racism; misogyny; domestic violence; turning a blind eye to starving children; banning books;  prejudices against people of color and/or people who have a different sexual preference; and inflicting cruelty on groups of people who don't share your religious views.  All of these items mentioned of abusive behavior are based on fear and loathing not caring, concern or love. This calls for both active and passive actions: actively defending those who need back up and passive, accepting that all people are not going to think like you do and this may not resolve the issue at hand. Both includes actions--- do unto others and mind your own business. When someone is getting hurt or taken advantage of it is my business. We all can participate to end abuse.

My own son, as a kindergartener, would chase down anyone[boys] on the playground who was a bully.  I loved his audacity. He'd come home with tales of his deeds and would add, "then the girls would chase me around the playground and kiss my arms." Swoon! 

One of my favorite lessons about revenge [and recovering from it] was taught to me by a really kind young man, Hank*. Hank was required by the court to seek counseling and he came to my office. He was a father of four young kids and recently his wife had left him for another man, who was supposedly a friend, and ironically a member of their church. It happens. His response was to fume, then plead, then---when neither of those options worked, after many months of separation from his wife and children, he impulsively took to revenge.  The happy new couple were building a home not far from where Hank was living without his wife and children. My client took matters into his own hands with a bulldozer. Ramming the partially built home to pieces felt great until he was caught and charged with destruction of property. Humbled and honest, he plead guilty immediately. Lucky for him, he got an understanding judge who offered him restitution, counseling and supervised visitation with his kids. No jail time. More impressive was this man took this humbling blow to his ego as a wake up call to change his life. Getting even he learned was not all it's cracked up to be, there often are horrible consequences.

The inspiring part of his story is how much he valued his children and would do literally anything required of him to be back in their lives as a full time father. Hank put his feelings aside and stepped up to be a responsible mature man. He was more casual prior to this incident about his wife and kids.  The other blessing was he was in a church that really was based on love and understanding. His congregation fully embraced him and he faithfully attended all the "fellowship" meetings.  Sometimes it takes a fellowship to raise a father.

The Liberty Bell

You'll never get ahead of anyone was long as you're trying to get even with them.            Lou Holtz 

Our country is divided and that puts stress into each of our lives.  People who are naïve have been taken advantage of. I brook no excuses for taking advantage and lying to people who are vulnerable or delusional. The last president, although he knew that he'd lost, became the world's biggest sore loser. Where was the humility and the wake up call like Hank had to change his life? Instead of being gracious and inspiring to those who voted for him, he whined to to his base that they must believe his lies. [And, oh yes, please send money.] Sadly his voters continue to contribute to his delusional failings. Worse, hard resentful feelings were created against the newly elected Biden presidency. It's so disgraceful that many politicians continue to choose lies over  the truth. Liz Cheney says it's a sad state we're in because "we're electing idiots".  Although that's a funny statement, the consequences are profoundly awful. Some states are electing people ill equipped to run a preschool never mind a state. Would you really rehire someone who believes it's okay to pout, whine after they lost a race? Why is it okay to elect people who are furthering frustration, advancing falsehoods and encouraging anxiety? From a psychological point of view this is comparable to abuse and gas lighting. 

Living well is the best revenge.         

                                     George Herbert 

In my life,  I've encouraged and sometime pleaded with my clients, to let go of things you can't control. In other words, difficult things are part of living. Choosing to live life to the max, always taking into consideration what is best for you, your family and our country is the best choice.  Eliminating the need for revenge through thoughtful action is important. When your mind is focused on getting even who's really being effected? You. Certainly not the person you're trying to one up or retaliate against. Again, I must add, I consider it a sacred duty to stand up to liars as well as abusers. Hence voting out idiots and liars is imperative.

*Hank, of course is a pseudonym.

susansmagicfeather 2023 Susan R. Grout